The Limits of Self Help

I am currently reading “Morality” by the late leading philosopher, theologian and intellectual Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks.  

Sacks posits that the rise in public discourse, identity politics and extremism that have deepened social divisions, the breaking of close family ties, and the seemingly all-pervading influence of social media are due to our loss of a strong, shared moral code and our elevation of self interest over the common good. 
I am only on the second chapter but there are already a multitude of points that he has made that have provided a new and refreshing perspective for me. One of the topics he discusses is that of self help.

Sacks recalled a near-death experience he had several years prior when he almost drowned while vacationing in Italy. He realized at a certain point that he wouldn’t be able to get out of the water alone because it had become too strong for him, and even considered that it might be the end for him. If not for a total stranger, he wouldn’t have made it that day. In that moment, “self help” was a means to only the ultimate end. 

This is obviously an extreme example, but a fair one to make his point:
“If I look back at my life, I discovered that it was always someone else who sent me on a new trajectory. I suspect the same is true for most people. Someone who was there when we needed it, who listened as we poured out our problems, who gave us the encouraging word when we were about to give up, who believed in us more than we believe in ourselves. Or maybe it was actually someone who looked us in the eye and told us the honest truth: that we were self obsessed, that we were wallowing in our motions, that instead of thinking about how to develop the mindset to achieve great things, we should stop reading and start doing. Help, I have found time and time again, comes not from the self, but from others.”

My journey has fostered a strong desire within me to delve into personal development and conditioning. I used to think that I had to do everything myself (and that it had to be hard), but one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that some of the greatest teachers are simply the people around us. And that it is absolutely imperative that I engage myself in the process of learning from those around me. My main example (which I didn’t realize until recently) is my sister, from whom I learned even the most basic skills. I write a lot about anxiety, and social anxiety in particular was something I really struggled with as a kid and teenager. I literally did not know how to be social. I didn’t know how to conduct myself without feeling painfully awkward and uncomfortable. I was able to develop my social skills by studying my sister’s social skills (she was always the social butterfly). So much so that at a certain point people would tell me I had her mannerisms. 

Point is that all of the self help books and google searches in the world couldn’t help me the way that my sister could (and I don’t think she ever even knew it). At a certain point we have to realize that self help is a wonderful tool, but we need more. 

I will close this by bringing this full circle with my previous point about the breaking of personal ties and the increase in public discourse… how much more so can we close this divide if we simply learn to learn from each other. 

There Is No Room to Be Angry About the Struggle

 “As long as you are alive, you are going to experience struggle- and that is okay. Reward yourself for your victories and be honest about your failings. But there is no room to be angry about the struggle itself; that’s how it is meant to be.”

When I read this excerpt in “What Would You Do If You Weren’t Afraid” by Michal Oshman, who is the head of culture at TikTok Europe and former leadership expert at Facebook, I felt very impacted by it. 

Just like many others, anxiety has always been a majorly present factor in my life. In particular, I have always felt the need to control and understand everything. And if I couldn’t… fear and panic would take over. Over time, I learned to manage and cope. However, I couldn’t truly just let go of needing control over what and how things happen.

There have been several major “aha” moments in my life, and this was one of them. It was one of those moments where all of a sudden so many things made sense, and I couldn’t have come to this understanding and conclusion if not for all of the things that I experienced that I previously could not understand why I had to struggle through them. What a paradox! 

All of a sudden so many things I was constantly questioning their necessity and why they had to happen…. were actually exactly what I needed to come to learn this major lesson in my life that seems to be the key to my understanding it all. In a sense, the answers I have been seeking were hidden within the chaos and confusion itself.

I am even going to be so bold as to claim that the answers ARE the chaos and confusion. How?

Because they are exactly what we need and are meant to experience. Instead of questioning why we go through certain things, we should look at occurrences- both the good and the bad- as direction regarding where we can and need to grow in life… which is what life is all about- constantly evolving. 

What I need to learn and grow through are completely different from others, and vice versa. Which is another reason why comparison to others makes actual zero sense. 

💡The answers are within the questions themselves. You just have to get to that point where you can be a vessel to understand the truth. Meaning, you absolutely must work through the chaos to even be able to understand that which you desire to understand. I have always heard that “things are how they are meant to be” but it sounded so cliche to me. Even though I believe in G-d and that things happen for a reason and everyone has a purpose and particular mission…. I didn’t really internalize  and conceptualize what that meant…. until this moment. 

👉🏻 It’s true that things don’t happen to you, they happen for you. For a very long time I had been trying to internalize this message and live by it, but I couldn’t. It didn’t really make sense to me though I felt like it should. But when you can internalize that things are as they are meant to be and so there is really no need to dread or fight the struggle, you can understand that if that is true…. then it only makes sense that everything really does happen for you and not to you because things are supposed to be that certain way (often times for reasons we won’t understand and that’s okay). If xyz are supposed to be part of your life, it’s good that they’re there. Which leads me to my next point. 

🗣 Everything in our lives is here to teach us a lesson, help us grow, and make us who we are supposed to be. I believe I have my particular strengths because I am meant to play a certain role and complete a particular mission in this world. So too for everyone else. 

It’s so simple and undeniably true. 

But not until you can get to the point of understanding it.

And the only way to get there is to work through your own personal struggles and fears and shortcomings (though it sometimes sucks 😢). 

Even when things seem to be complicated, they’re not. They’re simply what they are and we just need to understand that things are meant to be a certain way… and so they will be… and that’s okay. That’s part of our journey. 

Which also made me realize how much I’ve overcomplicated things, though then again I am only human after all 🤷🏻‍♀️. 

And if that’s the case, then the final conclusion is that we are to give up trying to have full control while focusing on what we can change, find the lessons within the struggles so as to learn and grow from them, and simply enjoy life for everything it is and isn’t meant to be. 

There’s nothing to argue or hate or be angry about. 

It quite simply is. 

And there is so much undeniable peace in that. 

———————————

I will conclude this by sharing the serenity prayer, with which I am absolutely obsessed: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Question Your Thoughts // The Work by Byron Katie

Is this thought true? 

Can I know for sure that it’s true? 

Who would I be without this thought? 💭

Questioning our thoughts, especially when they’re negative, is so important. 

It also helps us to notice what bothers us and, on the other hand, what makes us happy. We learn more about ourselves in the process of questioning. 

Because at the end of the day our thoughts don’t define us. It’s how we react to them and what we do with them. 

To learn more about questioning your thoughts and working with them, visit thework.com for resources. Link in bio. 

Personality --> Personal Reality

Allow your personality to define your personal reality, and not your personal reality to define your personality. 🦋

Dr. Joe Dispenza is a thought leader whose work I’ve been following for several years now. He talks a lot about how people tend to relive the memories of their past by continuously thinking about their “stories” and “truths.” People tend to allow their past experiences to define how they feel, until eventually how they feel becomes how they act and show up in the world. We must think greater than we feel. It’s hard to create something new when we are stuck in the old. 

We are not our past. We are how we choose to move forward. Instead of recreating what has already happened, allow space for creation. Start off by focusing more on what you want and not what you’ve already experienced. Meditate on those things. Create character that coincides with the reality you desire. Your daydream is your new reality. ✨

Stay In Your Lane

There’s your business, other people’s business, and then there’s G-d’s business. 

Stay in your lane and out of G-d’s business. If you can’t control something, it’s not your business. Let go and let G-d. Our knowledge and foresight are limited. He knows better. No, he knows best. 

When you come to live by the fact that you can’t and don’t need to control everything, life becomes so much more enjoyable. Learn to take things as they come and let go of what doesn’t serve you. Be grateful for the challenges because they serve their role and purpose too. Appreciate everything that comes your way. It is all leading you to where you need to be🦋

Perfection Is Not a Skill and Should Not Be Our Goal

The other week I had a chance to read a bit about this week’s Parshat Vayigash on Chabad.org and came across an interesting article comparing Joseph and Judah. Of course, there is a takeaway message that we can incorporate into our lives⤵️

🤴🏻Joseph: the unofficial kind of Egypt. Has the glory that Judah lacked. Was more handsome, successful and loved. He was perfect, but his perfection was fragile. When things broke he was unable to fix them. The Torah recounts more examples of this. 

👨🏻Judah: a peasant shepherd whose shortcomings the Torah recounts over and over. However, he has the advantage of rising back up and build himself up again when he falls. This is a skill that Joseph lacks despite all his glory and wealth.

⚖️This dichotomy continues between those who are perfect until they falter, and those who mess up time after time and can still manage to rise up again.

🗝Despite how perfect someone or something might be, it won’t matter for long if it’s fleeting. That which is lasting and durable is what defines us at the end of the day. 

⚡️It’s not about with what we are born, but rather what we make of it and present it in our lives. Those who truly win are those who can endure, persevere, “deconstruct their personalities in order to reshape them,” channel low points into growth, draw wisdom and maturity from experience, and not allow their imperfections to set them back. 

Shabbat shalom! 

New Year

 

Life vs. Death

Holding someone’s hand as they take their last breaths. 

Watching someone die on the heart monitor as their heart rate goes down until eventually you see asystole.  

Telling people that you’re sorry there was nothing more you could do to save their loved ones. 

Having people ask you if they are going to die. 

Having people ask you to tell them that you wont let them die. 

 Seeing someone you’re caring for physically decline over a period of several weeks until their chances of survival are close to none. One organ failure leads to another. Sepsis takes over. If a COVID patient, breathing gets harder to the point where one can’t without a machine. 

 As a student nurse, I had been present during several deliveries during my labor and delivery rotation. Playing a (very slight) role in a new life’s entrance into this world. As an actual nurse (in my position), sometimes all you can do is try your best to make someone’s exit as pleasant and meaningful as you can. 

The other day during my shift in the ICU, there were two thoughts I had as I took a moment to find personal closure and come to terms with the fact that my patient was gone. 

 What do I do after this experience? How does it change me? 

As weird as it sounds, it’s a privilege to have this type of eye opening and extremely honest experience that most people don’t have or get to see. It’s one of the major raw truths of (seemingly contradictory) life. 

It’s one of the most fair reminders with which we can be presented. 

Despite the sadness I felt in that moment, I also felt weirdly inspired. Someway, I felt recharged. I felt new. Perhaps because in a way for me too it felt like an end, and with an end comes a beginning. I imagined what that person had been able to achieve in their lifetime, what they worried about and what/who they loved, how they dealt with their losses and if they made a big deal out of them, if they took the time to cherish moments and people. We still have time. Our battery is not up. But the clock is still ticking for us. We don’t think about our ultimate mortality on a regular basis, but perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad if we did. Helps put things in perspective and reminds us to spend our time and energy wisely. 

As a nurse... or really in general a healthcare professional... I am constantly drawing a line between life and death. I live and think on a different realm, in a sense. I want to share these thoughts and experiences. I hope others can take something from them.

Dry Brushing

Something I’ve incorporated into my routine and that I recommend to people whenever they ask me for any additional ways to get a skincare boost. Not an expert but I’m that person who does her research on any additional health benefits people can get from alternative sources. So here are some reasons why you might want to give it a try:

🌸The mechanical action of dry brushing  exfoliates dry winter skin. 

🌸Helps detoxify the body by increasing blood circulation and promoting lymph flow/drainage. Start from your ankles and brush upward toward your heart. Then from your wrists also towards your heart. Perform about 5 strokes on each part you’re brushing. 

🌸Unclogs pores. Some report smoother skin. I like to use my dry brush with with a body scrub because the beads allow for stronger exfoliation and removal of dead skin. 

🌸Stimulates your nervous system, which can make you feel invigorated afterward. One of my favorite benefits. 

🚿Perform on dry skin before you shower. Brushing the skin while it is dry allows you to exfoliate and increase blood circulation without removing moisture, since hot water can do that. Apply lotion after your shower. 

Make The Most Of Your Twenties

Some major points I picked up reading The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them

💥Invest in your identity capital- your individual resources, personal assets, investments you make in yourself. This is what we bring to the adult marketplace. How we solve problems, how we speak. This requires exploration. Have the nerve to make commitments that can help you build a stronger identity, be more resilient, and have a clearer sense of self and direction. 

👭Build your weak ties along with your strong ties. Having close friends is important, but it’s also a good idea to branch out to those outside of our comfort zone. Usually those are the people who know things we don’t and can help information and opportunity to spread faster. We limit ourselves when we huddle with only our close ties, the same people all the time. 

🧠 Create a sharp narrative of who you are. Build your story and identity off of your talents, experiences, desires, and plans. Claiming your identity and parts of it like your job or career isn’t the end, as people might assume and fear. It’s just the beginning. Making choices and choosing a direction in life are essential and shouldn’t be pushed off. 

💪🏼 Don’t be afraid of being challenged. You are passionate about what you do, but at times feel anxious and incompetent? Then you’re most likely in a solid, challenging, secure job where you and what you do actually matter. The twenties is a transitional period. Many of us have never held full time jobs before. Even the social expectations at work are different than usual. You probably wont get instantly complimented for your hard work. Twentsomethings find negative info more memorable than positive info, in comparison to older adults. The seat to the emotional brain- the amygdala- is more active during these years. As we get older, we feel more secure and grounded. It generally gets easier not to break or feel like a leaf being blown around by the wind. Learn to grow roots and stand in the wind.