Life vs. Death

Holding someone’s hand as they take their last breaths. 

Watching someone die on the heart monitor as their heart rate goes down until eventually you see asystole.  

Telling people that you’re sorry there was nothing more you could do to save their loved ones. 

Having people ask you if they are going to die. 

Having people ask you to tell them that you wont let them die. 

 Seeing someone you’re caring for physically decline over a period of several weeks until their chances of survival are close to none. One organ failure leads to another. Sepsis takes over. If a COVID patient, breathing gets harder to the point where one can’t without a machine. 

 As a student nurse, I had been present during several deliveries during my labor and delivery rotation. Playing a (very slight) role in a new life’s entrance into this world. As an actual nurse (in my position), sometimes all you can do is try your best to make someone’s exit as pleasant and meaningful as you can. 

The other day during my shift in the ICU, there were two thoughts I had as I took a moment to find personal closure and come to terms with the fact that my patient was gone. 

 What do I do after this experience? How does it change me? 

As weird as it sounds, it’s a privilege to have this type of eye opening and extremely honest experience that most people don’t have or get to see. It’s one of the major raw truths of (seemingly contradictory) life. 

It’s one of the most fair reminders with which we can be presented. 

Despite the sadness I felt in that moment, I also felt weirdly inspired. Someway, I felt recharged. I felt new. Perhaps because in a way for me too it felt like an end, and with an end comes a beginning. I imagined what that person had been able to achieve in their lifetime, what they worried about and what/who they loved, how they dealt with their losses and if they made a big deal out of them, if they took the time to cherish moments and people. We still have time. Our battery is not up. But the clock is still ticking for us. We don’t think about our ultimate mortality on a regular basis, but perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad if we did. Helps put things in perspective and reminds us to spend our time and energy wisely. 

As a nurse... or really in general a healthcare professional... I am constantly drawing a line between life and death. I live and think on a different realm, in a sense. I want to share these thoughts and experiences. I hope others can take something from them.