Well, it's been a year since I last wrote a blog post and let's just say there has been hell of a lot of content that I never got to write out and process because everything was utter chaos.
The funny thing is how much I actually love chaos. I've learned that I actually function well in chaos.
As a kid, I always had two major fears: change and the unknown. You might be thinking that everyone has those fears. However, when you struggle with chronic anxiety, absolutely everything is dramatically augmented. So when I say "fears," I mean chronic panic, stress, and fight or flight response modes.
That's the first point I want to make. I went from living with chronic anxiety that made me physically sick and unable to function- to appreciating and mastering those things that fermented my anxiety in the first place. As I have gotten older, I have seen the bigger picture of my life and why things have had to happen the way they did. All of those challenges and hardships have led to my being able to conquer the very next thing. If not for those previous challenges, I wouldn't be able to proudly stand here today and say I made it.
The way that life seems to work (oftentimes) is that once you overcome one challenge, the next one pops up. Often the next challenge is even harder than the previous. If not, then we are even better equipped to handle those issues that make their way in our direction. We don't always understand why we must face these things. It's frustrating.
For me, I have seen how each challenge has better prepared me for the next and made me into the person I know I must be if I want to lead the life I desire. I am sure that if you pan out all the things you had to overcome throughout your lifetime, you will come to the same conclusion about your life experience.
This year was the hardest year of my life.
The crazy thing is that in the end, I have come to realize that while everything seemed to be falling apart... everything was actually coming together in the most amazing and beautiful way possible.
I was actually blessed to experience those challenges because the alternatives would have been way worse. And half the time I didn't even have to do the work. I just had to step back, have faith in G-d and the journey He had paved for me, and follow my gut.
I have always known what I wanted in life. Usually, I can tackle hurdles head-on. I am not afraid to keep trying something repeatedly when I have my eye on the prize and I can see it so clearly even if it's not already present in my life.
However, I got to a place where I was settling for less than I knew I deserved. I was setting for less out of those around me, my day-to-day experiences, environments, and energy. I was willing to accept people and things that didn't serve me or allow me to reach my full potential. And when I was unsure of how to let those people and things go, G-d made it easy and freed me from that which I didn't know how to walk away from.
The crazy thing is that G-d gave me the exact amount of time I had prayed for. When that time was up, He opened up a pathway for me that was greater than I could have ever imagined.
Imagine being so upset about something, only to then realize that it was the greatest blessing and you got what you actually wanted all along. You were holding onto something that you thought was the answer when all along you had to let that thing go so that you can actually have what you want. It's just on the other side of taking a leap of faith, demanding better for yourself, and following your intuition.
This part of my life taught me to stop fighting the currents of life. I am so stubborn (a true Taurus) and sometimes it hinders me. Be patient. I didn't let G-d finish His sentence and I was already frustrated and throwing tantrums.
I have had the opportunity to be and see places and things I thought I would only get to experience many years from now, if ever. G-d literally plucked me out of a place where I wasn't happy anyway and put me exactly where I wanted to be all along- with the very people, opportunities, and experiences I had been praying for. I am still in shock about how perfectly my life came together after what seemed and felt like the worst storm.
I write this now because it took me this long to realize all of this.
I don't blame myself. This year was literally nonstop for me.
Then I found myself sitting in my apartment today, not able to sit still because I have gotten so used to having something that I need to do. I finally let myself shut everything off- the phone, the iPad, the laptop... and just be. Process. The craziest year of my life has come to a close. It feels refreshing. Even better, I got to end off this year around people I love, in my favorite city, while working my dream jobs, and being everything I ever desired. While speaking to a friend right after the clock struck 12, he asked me if I felt like I had bounced back from the challenges I experienced throughout the year. At that moment, processing everything around me and feeling the immense joy and gratitude I felt for it all, I was so happy to finally be able to say yes.
I am in awe of how things work in life. Like how does so much pain and sadness lead to so much happiness and fulfillment? I might not have the full answer right now, but I am so grateful I have had the opportunity to learn this now, at such a young age. Now I can move forward in life with more confidence and trust, knowing that even when things seem unbearable, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will be more beautiful and freeing than where I was coming from.
If I ask for something and work towards it, I will find a way to it. The journey might not be easy, but it's absolutely worth it when you find what; 's on the other end of it.
It's funny because when 2023 came, I really thought it was going to be my year. I was so excited. I couldn't understand how my positivity and effort towards growth and happiness led to such unhappiness. Then I realized that this really was my year.
It was the year I fell in love with myself. It was the year I became the most confident I have ever been. It was the year I learned and grew tremendously in every aspect- academically, in my career, personally, in my relationships, and even spiritually. I have done so many things I wanted to do but was too scared to do. It was the year I met some of the most impactful and healing people- people with whom I needed to cross paths for a reason. It was the year I loved my coworkers and my friends, and every moment was filled with excitement and mystery. Running into celebrities and getting to meet some of the most inspiring people whom I've been following for years. Getting to be in what feels like the center of the world to me.
Thank You G-d.
Everyone is posting their ins and outs for 2024 and here are some of mine:
Out: jumping to conclusions, being impatient, tolerating people and things that hinder my growth and happiness, negativity and bad energy
In: trusting G-d, daily prayer, expressing more gratitude, time with people I love and appreciate, following my gut and listening to my intuition, being kind to myself
Here is to another year filled with magic, success, and growth.
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