Two Year Work Anniversary

Today is my two year anniversary working as a registered nurse 👩🏻‍⚕️ Also the week when COVID became a thing back in 2020 😪 Meaning I was working as a brand new float nurse (which already was the position that new and even seasoned nurses stayed away from because of how challenging it is) while also dealing with constantly changing standards for a pandemic that no one knew anything about. I don’t think there will ever be anything that can compare to starting my nursing career during the first global pandemic since… I’m not even sure 😑 Or those times when I was sent to the ICU with no formal introduction… that was interesting to say the least 😳

There are many things that challenging experience taught me, but probably the most important is to simply keep moving forward and that hard times don’t last forever even though sometimes they feel like they will. I knew I wanted to work in the field of aesthetic medicine, and had even written out a whole plan when I graduated for how I was going to achieve that goal. But the beginning of the journey… well, it sucked. And it came with other challenges too. But it makes it all the more worthwhile to know that one could start in the last place they could have ever wanted or imagined, and end up (with guts and hard work and help from God lol) where they alway wanted to be🙏🏻

Oh, and this is my first headshot since like high school so yeah 🤓

What Music Do You Need To Remember? (On Being Reinspired)

 The last several weeks have been quite intense. For the first time in the 8 months that I have been working as a registered nurse, I felt overwhelmed by the idea of going to work. Working as a new nurse in the midst of a global pandemic wasn't even the challenge. 

The last several weeks at work saw one of my patients having to be flown out to another hospital because her case was too complicated (blood leaking out into her lungs from her aorta), the first time having a patient have a stroke, my first time having a patient die on me, having to do CPR and postmortem care and several rapid responses...

For me, medicine has always been about my purpose, my mission, and my passion. I know I'm meant to be in this field and to eventually become a doctor. I love what I do and I'm so grateful I get to do it. 

But the other morning I couldn't see any of that. 

I felt overwhelmed with it all. And even though every nurse waits for her turn to face the inevitable of being in this field and knows that this is what we have chosen... facing people die, having to tell their loved ones, dealing with emergencies... it doesn't make it any easier. 

As I was driving to work that morning, feeling sad and dreading the next 14 hours.... listening to music... a specific song came on that changed everything for me. 

"You never know you crossed the line till you get to the other side... The only way out is to face it... cause no one ever taught us to hide... the hardest walls to fight are the ones we wage inside."

It took me back to my junior year of high school when I had just started at a new school and was having a hard time adjusting. It was a very challenging time in my life so much so that I did something I had never done before (being that I was way too studious and always concerned about doing well in school). 

I totally blanked while taking my chemistry exam. I literally looked at the exam that I had spent hours studying for and for some unknown reason absolutely nothing made any sense to me. I couldn't do simple math or understand simple instructions. It was like my brain shut off. 

I was so overwhelmed at that point that I even tried to turn in the exam right then and there, incomplete, and tell my teacher that I had to go home because I didn't feel well. He told me I could leave once I turned it in. I left school that day right after that class (which was my very first and it was only 7:45am) and spent the rest of the day incapable of doing anything but lying in my bed. I couldn't eat, study, get up, or talk to anyone.

The only thing that comforted me at that moment was this song. I spent hours listening to it. I have no idea why. 

I don't remember what I got on the test... but fast forward 3 years and I got an A in my college chemistry course which was on probation for failing too many students... and 7 years later I'm in a medical program attaining my doctorate in my dream profession. 

I hadn't listened to this song in a very long time, and it had come on so randomly and unexpectedly. I started to cry on my way to work (and it wasn't yet 7am). 

It reminded me of that challenge I had experienced and how horrible I felt at that time. It reminded me of everything I had been able to achieve despite it. It reminded me that I was where I was because I got through so many obstacles. It reminded me of how afraid I was and how I felt so stuck and incapable of succeeding. 

And yet there I was on my chosen trajectory. I was doing everything I had set out to do. And even though it was scary and HARD, I was doing it. 

I decided to see the positive in everything I had experienced in the previous weeks. How I officially felt like a real nurse. How much more confident I am because I've had to deal with these emergencies. How I feel like I can face anything now. How grateful my patients are and all the times I have people tell me they're proud of me or respect me for what I do and for helping their family members. How it is really cool to be part of a team of people who have the skillset to save others. 

At that moment I decided that I was going to have a great day. 

And I did. The first good day at work in a very long time. 

Lesson learned: remember the music. 

What is the music that you need to remember?

The Only Way To Grow

Pressure. Intensity. 

I love and hate them at the same time. 

Last week was my first time getting floated to the ICU. In the midst of the second wave of a global pandemic🦠. Without ever having had an introduction or orientation to the unit. Still a relatively new nurse👩🏻‍⚕️. Every patient on quarantine isolation. Not even sure how to use the monitors to take a blood pressure or how to print a telemetry strip. Not to mention I had a higher acuity of patients than I usually have. 😥
Then yesterday I was sent to the ICU again, which at that point was still overwhelming for me. With still needing to adjust and being slower than usual, and balancing that with five patients... I felt more pressure than ever before. 

What started out as something I feared... going out of my comfort zone, something happening to a patient and not knowing how to properly deal with it... became something I actually enjoyed and appreciated. 
On my way home from work last night, I realized that I felt no fear like I had previously. Because those two days forced me to make it like a fish out of water... I felt like I could really handle anything that came my way. 

It’s through the intense moments when we have to pull ourselves together and figure things out on the spot while pulling together the resources that you have... when you 1️⃣realize how strong you can be and 2️⃣understand that you can truly only grow and improve when you’re out of your comfort zone. 
Being on the medical-surgical floors has been a great experience, but the thrill and intensity of figuring things out and breaking through those challenges is one of the most exhilarating and profound I’ve ever had. 

✅Lessons learned: don’t fear the unknown, embrace it. Think of new challenges as being spontaneous in a good way and not as you being totally crazy and out of your mind (though I thought I might get to that point🙈), let the challenge make you not break you, give things time, you may end up being good at something you may not have thought otherwise, new challenges breed experience and knowledge which lead to confidence and mastery. 🧠

Medical Experience in Israel!!

Spent the day shadowing a physician (the only one in Israel with his exact specialty... and eventually mine✌🏻) in Israel’s largest hospital🏥! Gynecology with a focus on complementary and integrative functional medicine💉🌱! Also will be seeing the cosmetic medical practice. Literally my dream😍. Future Women’s Health and Aesthetics Nurse Practitioner right here👩🏼‍⚕️! Can’t wait to start this career (in the U.S. of course)🤗. 

Also may I add that this entire experience was carried out in Russian and Hebrew only? If this isn’t making me “culturally competent” enough (all we ever spoke about in nursing school, and again thank G-d that’s long gone🙌🏻), then I don’t know what will😉.

Two things that I have learned from this experience, besides for all the medical stuff:

1. When you leave your comfort zone and make an effort to move towards self improvement, the universe (or from my view, G-d) will bring you good things. Everything I want to practice in my future nursing career- I found the right people here to expose me to these topics. Could not have ever dreamed or even planned for this better than it played out. 

2. Leave it to Israelis to provide gourmet hospital food. Literally felt like I was in a restaurant. Have never seen such hospital food ever before. American hospitals, y’all need to step up your game.

ר‎בית חולים שיבא-תל השומ

Building Meaningful Relationships at Work

I finalized my flight to Israel 🇮🇱today!

Since I will be going abroad for several months, I needed something temporary in between taking my nursing boards and leaving.

I decided to do a medical affairs internship so that I can make some money, and to give me something to do with my summertime.

This experience has ended up being so much more valuable than I thought it would be. Not only have I learned a tremendous amount about the other aspects of healthcare (which are VAST, let me tell you), but I have also acquired vital knowledge about work-space social life (which is more important than I realized).

When my friends asked about my finally being done with the dreadful nursing board exam (officially an RN!!), I told them I was taking the rest of the summer to just relax.

"By getting an internship?" they asked with confused faces. 

Because I love my experience with this internship, it doesn't even feel like work. I attribute this to the relationships I have with my coworkers and to the work environment.

I have learned a tremendous amount about work relationships and the importance of having a healthy work environment. I have found that the best way to make relationships into something meaningful is to simply put meaning into your relationships. This means actually caring about the people with whom you want to create relationships. Care to know what they're passionate about, things that make them laugh, things they hate...

And you will end up learning so much more than you can ever imagine.

For example, my one coworker and I have two opposing political views. However, we feel comfortable discussing why we believe what we believe... and agreeing to disagree. I'm not saying you should go around talking to everyone about your political views (because some people don't know how to agree to disagree), but I am saying that true interest in hearing what another person has to say and interest in what another person has to offer... allows you to learn other perspectives. I have learned so much about the way people on her end of the political spectrum think. I have learned how to communicate better with those who have other views on such heavy topics.

We take the time to discuss our hobbies and have inside jokes now! All this makes working here so enjoyable because I feel comfortable with these people and we feel a mutual understanding between each other.

Not all jobs are as flexible as this one, perhaps. Here, we are in a single office. We spend several hours together every day that we are here. I know, for example, with nursing there is not as much time to sit down and talk... however there are windows of opportunity and taking that energy to get to know your coworkers and the people with whom you spend so much of your time... is so absolutely worth it and necessary! You will feel more excited for work, and not dread the long hours (or at least not as much as you may have otherwise).

The most important lesson that I have learned is putting in the energy to develop relationships with others... and that it doesn't even always take much energy. You may be surprised by how much you actually enjoy certain people on a personal level.

Next time you go to work, take a genuine interest in learning at least one thing about a coworker. Ask a question with genuine curiosity. Make sure to remember an important day of theirs (birthday, wedding, my coworker is prepping for a marathon so I make sure to ask about her training). There is nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Oh, and always 😊 and say good morning ☀️

Work Hard Play Hard

I was going to name this post-work hard play harder, but I don’t think I’m at the level to say that. First I gotta learn how to even play (and by that I mean I gotta learn how to chill). 

Why do I gotta learn how to chill? Because I’m sort of addicted to being busy. Yup, addicted. That’s right. Not just into being busy, but I actually can’t sit still for a moment... and I don’t think this is about ADHD... 

I can get myself to sit and study and focus for hours... I’m actually really good at that. But what I can’t do is just sit and not do anything at all. 

Even during school- I’m always multitasking whether it be working on an assignment while listening to a lecture or writing portions of blog posts while studying. Even during ten-minute class breaks, I right away look at all the things I need to get done and start working on one of them. Or I look at my phone- though even then I’ll be reading an article, catching up on emails, or looking up some sort of information. 

While I did write a blog post about why it is good to be busy (Why You Should Want to be Busy and Stay Busy), I have to share the other perspective too because I think I’ve come to learn that balance is key here (I mean it sounds obvious, but for a while, I’ve been in the "always be busy and productive mindset"). I just want to do and accomplish... but sometimes I don’t realize I’m not even doing much at all. A lot of times I’m just planning to do stuff- making lists about what I am going to do... I know, it’s weird. 

Thursday night I was trying to plan out my weekend and thought I would print out some notes for an upcoming exam to go over on Saturday (if you read my previous blog post then you know that I normally don’t do any work on Saturday). I stopped that thought and reconsidered- I have been working nonstop all week! Now, I am going to completely 100% relax. I am going to relax so much, that I will forget that I have an upcoming exam. And that’s not taking it too far because I know that I should give 100% to relaxation, just as I give 100% to my work. If I give my all when it comes to working, then why not provide myself the opportunity to give my all to relaxation.

Some people may falsely believe that always being productive will help in the long run. I used to think that... until I started focusing more on healthy living. One of my new goals is getting to a point where I look and feel my best- I want this to be a lifestyle (healthy eating, consistent exercise, and focusing on my wellbeing in a wholesome matter). Social media has helped a lot because it has allowed me to follow fitness gurus and other individuals who are focused on healthy lifestyles. I learned that a lot of what makes up well-being and health has to do with taking the time to do enjoyable and relaxing things. I always knew this is important, but did not realize just how important it is. 

This means getting a massage, going to the sauna, sitting in a jacuzzi, making time to play your favorite sport, get a facial even. I don’t think of these activities as just something nice to do, but rather as something that is vital to my wellbeing. Going all out to completely relax and enjoy yourself should be a priority, just as everything else is a priority. 

Life is all about balance, so make sure you create balance in the most important aspects of your life. Take that 1 hour out of your day (that's less than 1% of your day!!) to do something relaxing and stress-free!

Simple Rules to a Happy Life and Healthy Relationships

Be grateful
Be happy for others

Recognize your internal beauty
See the beauty within others

Go out of your comfort zone
Encourage others to reach their goals

Recognize your intrinsic value
Treat others like they are valuable

Respect yourself
Treat others with respect

Be able to accept help
Help others

Focus on what is truly meaningful to you
Help others find what is meaningful to them

Find and invest in true friendships
Be a true friend for others

Also, the quote I live by:

3 Things to Remember When Encountering New Struggles and Fears

These past two weeks have been filled with confusion... they have been a bit "fuzzy" (as I like to put it). I guess this all just has to do with being a senior in college and having to face the need to figure out the next step. Also, just trying to figure out exactly what I want to do and what I am willing to do in order to do those things... yeah. Many things that I want to do would require for me to really jump out of my comfort zone (something I thought I was really good at doing, and honestly can fairly say I usually am good at).

All of this, and also other stressful situations... have sort of caused me to lose my focus- trying to be the best person and grow internally. I don't know why, but I am always so in tune with my behavior and am so focused on a certain way of being.. and I get overwhelmed and frustrated when I fall out of line. No one is perfect and there are ALWAYS going to be these phases of needing to get yourself back on track.

I was just sitting in my room, feeling totally unmotivated and sluggish- when I decided to write a blog post. I was going to type something I wrote a month ago, but then I was looking over some notes and decided to write about this today because it applies to how I am currently feeling.

Whenever I think of something clever or hear interesting ideas... I always write them down. I know that I will be able to use whatever wisdom at some point in my life. I was looking through some notes I wrote and decided to focus on three major ideas when tackling these "fuzzy" phases in my life.

Define yourself by what you can control- your growth and decisions 
I often become overwhelmed by so many things that are out of my control. Everyone does. We get stressed about other people, different situations that we could or could not avoid, not getting what we feel we deserve or that we worked for... and then just a bunch of random daily little ridiculously insignificant moments.
The best way to stay focused through all of these aspects of life is to remember that you are defined not by what other people think of you or how they treat you... or by what happens to you or the cards you have been dealt... but rather, you are defined by how you treat others, how you respond to situations in your life, and the amount you grow as a person. These are all things you can control, and so are worthy of helping you determine how you are doing.
I got into an argument with someone the other day. The reason I got upset is that this person happens to be late for scheduled times even when I am adamant about her needing to be on time. I was upset about her being late yet again and so expressed my frustration to someone else. This said person who is often late was not supposed to see the message I sent to the other person, but she and now an argument has ensued. I thought: I am going to confront the annoying person who shared my message, and I will wait for an apology from the person who was initially the reason I was upset...
Though I do believe both of these people were wrong for acting the ways they did and that I do deserve an apology... I feel somewhat bad for what I said about said person even though nothing I said was a lie. Because even though someone else did something wrong and they probably deserved to have certain things said about them, it was I who acted in a manner that I a not proud of. I am unhappy about the way I reacted... and this is because I know however I respond to certain situations is in my control and my wrongdoing... not another's.
This is how I try to look at situations and how I respond to them... that I am defined by how I act, not someone else's actions.  I think that one of the reasons I have been feeling the way I do, is because I have been focusing on the wrong things. I need to concern myself with what I can control and decisions that I can make.

"Pride is concerned with who is right; humity is concerned with what is right."

The greatest skill in life is the ability to change 
With all new things flooding my way, I remind myself that change is not always bad. More importantly, the ability to change is of extreme importance. Even having a desire to change is necessary because change allows for us to grow and introduces excitement into our lives. I try to remember this concept when attempting to establish post-graduation plans. Should I stay home where I already have food in the fridge and everything being paid for (thanks mom and dad) or take the (exciting and scary) risk of moving closer to my friends and new opportunities in the city? I am strongly considering this move because I feel the need for change... however, actually changing is the hard part. Being able to do something different and not take the easy way out is an important skill. I have realized that I feel happier when I create change in myself or my environment. And so it is change that I am focusing on and not the absence of fear, when trying to decide what is the right thing to do and what will make me happy.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all."- Meg Cabot, The Princess Diaries 

We are all going to die anyway
It is sometimes scary to put yourself out there and try new things. You don't always know if you will fail or if other people will judge you negatively. You don't know if you will make a fool out of yourself. I think putting yourself out there is exciting, it makes you different than the average Joe Shmo, and that it honestly doesn't matter in the spectrum of things. I know this concept is a bit belittling, but come on. In all honesty (I mean, you know), we are all going to die one day and all that will remain in this world is our legacy. Also, no one will remember the embarrassing or akward things you did if they are dead. You won't remember either. And if there is anything they want to remember, it definitely won't be something negative about you. The concept of death makes us all vulnerable and somewhat on the same level at the end of the day. We are all people our own insecurities, fears and dreams... which some us will folllow and achieve while others won't. Who would you rather be?

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most improtant tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in my life. Almost everything- all external expectations, all pride, all fears of embarrassment or failure- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose."-  Steve Jobs

Well, that's all for today. I hope you were able to gain something from this post. Feel free to share your opinions and experiences.

One Simple Rule to Have a Good Day

If there is any one thing that I have majorly incorporated into my life... it would have to be this.

Before I started doing this on a regular basis, I would allow anxiety and fear to take over. I would get nervous about this or that and focus solely on my negative emotions. Or, I would focus on not focusing on my negative emotions... and that only made matters worse.

I know you have heard about this before... it's basic and simple...

Yet not many of us actually use this simple technique.

It goes like this:

Feel fear or anxiety or nerves kicking in --> repeatedly tell yourself it will be a good day and that things will be alright --> have a good day and things turn out alright.

Yup, that's it. I know, right? Duh.

The other day I was running late for work. I woke up at 6 am as opposed to the planned 5:15 am. I left the house 15 minutes late. I was nervous about possibly being late (I wasn't. I actually clocked in at the exact right time!) and frustrated with myself for going to bed late even though I knew I would have a hard time getting up the next day. For literally the first 15 minutes of my car ride, I kept repeating to myself that it was going to be a good, phenomenal, spectacular (all the synonyms)... day.

And every time a negative thought would seep into my mind, I would repeat that it was going to be a wonderful day.

When I (quickly) walked into work and felt a pang of anxiety (I hate rushing in general), I blocked out that negative thought by not giving it any of my energy. Instead, I put my energy into thinking positive thoughts that would help me rather than hinder me.

I also have come to realize that when I think positively, even in my head, negative situations seem better than they would have otherwise (if I allowed my negative thoughts to take driver's seat). Everything in general just seems a lot better during the day and during the stumbling blocks that I may experience throughout the day.

So next time you have a negative thought or feeling repeatedly knocking on your door, remember to target your energy towards positive thoughts... because you will attract positivity into your life and into your day.

Oh... and smile. It helps a lot too:)

Life is a TRAIN (On Dealing With Unwelcome Change)

Earlier today I related my life to the train I was riding.

Say what?

Yes, I know. Strange.

Let me back up a little bit and explain what that has to do with the title of this blog post.

The lead-up to my main point is somewhat long, but it is necessary in order to understand the emotions that have led to me to realize what I am sharing with you. My goal is not to share with you my life story and personal achievements, but rather to fully explain where I am coming from with my dramatic comparison (which I will share with you shortly).

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, I recently started a new school. This transition has been very hard for me- leaving my friends, adjusting yet again to a new school (this is my fourth school in six years), and adapting to a new lifestyle.
Yes, I will and already have made new friends, I have adjusted to the school and adapted to the lifestyle (for the most part, at least).

But there is a greater significance to my switching schools.

You see, I had been in two elementary schools, two high schools, and now in two colleges. It wasn't until my first year of college where I actually felt that I belonged, that I felt happy with where I was and who I was. My elementary school years were split in half between two schools. I went from a local public school to a private school in another town. At the time I was awfully shy and had a hard time making friends. I had a hard time transitioning to the private school- I got bullied for a short period of time (funny because we ended up becoming friends), didn't understand what was being said half the time (half the school day was spent learning in Hebrew), and so, therefore, felt extremely out of place. My middle school was connected to my elementary school so it was basically one and the same. Still the same people, school and awkward me.

High school came around and it did not exactly go as planned. I started off at an out-of-state private school that was a struggle in itself to just adjust to. My life went from getting home at 5 pm every day to getting home at 7 pm. I was the first and last stop on the bus, and didn't even get picked up or dropped off at home- I had to drive 10 minutes to my bus stop every morning and have somebody pick me up from the community center where the bus dropped me off. I begged my parents to let me transfer to the local public school (even though I was afraid of that too since I hadn't been in public school since 3rd grade and was used to small schools (I graduated middle school with only 11 people)), but the only other choice they gave me was my sister's boarding school. I was miserable. My life was a mess and in the most positive way possible- it was awful.

Eventually, of course, things got better. But I was never really happy. I was just constantly on the run, never having time for myself. There wasn't really anything to make me want to stay, which is what was so upsetting. Again (but even more strongly), I felt SO out of place. I was the only student from my town, so nobody even knew what it was. I was friendly with basically the few kids from my middle school and several others, but besides for that people didn't even know my name (and this was a school with less than 200 kids so everyone typically knew each other). I felt so awkward and unwelcome. Even now, being as social and talkative as I am, I wouldn't want to socialize with many of those people. And with such a small school, you're either in it or you're not- there is no in-between like in public school. There were just so many reasons why I wasn't happy there.

Summer entering junior year, I decided I was switching to public school. At this point, I wasn't even afraid. I just wanted to get the hell out of my reality.

My two years in public school were great! They really were. It was a major breakthrough for me because I really had to jump into the unknown. I know now that I needed those experiences to make me strong and capable of dealing with life (if you have read my blog posts about overcoming anxiety, then you know that it was so bad that I literally was scared of life).
But still- it was just a stopover for me. I was just a random. And understandably so- I was a new kid, still more on the quiet side.
I made friends, reconnected with people from my first elementary school- and survived. I literally thought I would see kids being stuffed into lockers and such (private school kids are afraid of public school kids- at least where I came from. People from my private school literally asked me how I wasn't scared to go to public school). I had in a sense crossed to the other side- the world where people look and act older, and do things private school kids don't know about. Me out of all people. How could I survive that- you know, being all meek and stuff?

This stage was amazing because I had officially become me- the person I had been working towards. Graduation wasn't just me leaving high school and home- it was the end of my gruesome self-training. I wrote more about this in my other blog posts (How I Overcame Social Anxiety, Enjoying the Journey, Tell Your Story, and several others). I had reached the goals I had set for myself such as being able to start a conversation, not feeling fear for no reason, being able to call someone on the phone comfortably . . . basically, I had become a functional person driven by goals and dreams rather than by fear.

Came college- the absolute best two years of my life thus far. I couldn't ask for a better environment, better people, better experiences, or better me (no pun intended). I had never felt so right in my entire life.
One might say this was the case because I had come to terms with myself. But I don't think that was the reason. It definitely helped make it possible, but all the other factors that go into someone's life had to be present- the group of people, the community, the opportunities, and experiences . . .

For the first time ever in my life, I had a group of friends. Prior, I was a floater. I had a friend here, a friend there- but was a lone soldier for the most part. My friends are the best part. They are still the best part because I am still friends with them even though I am not there. I went back to visit this past weekend and was enwrapped in the same warmth they had given me when I was there all the time. Not getting to be with my favorite people is something that is still a struggle.

Even though I don't get to experience the last 2 years with them, I am so happy I had the privilege to experience the first two. I am so incredibly grateful for those two years.

But this is exactly why I am so upset. For the first time ever, I was comfortable and happy and stable and felt secure . . . and then it came to an end. You see, I had applied to the nursing program at my previous school. It is a very competitive program, but I felt confident in my chances of getting accepted. I received a call in the middle of the summer and was told that I was one of the few students who had received neither an acceptance letter nor a rejection letter- the reason being because there were no more seats and they wanted to offer me a seat in the same exact program that is in another location.

It was and still is difficult to accept the fact that the only reason my life had to change so drastically is because of a lack of room. If I wasn't competitive enough, then fine- I wasn't good enough.

But I was. I was good enough and capable and . . . But it doesn't matter.

So now that you see where exactly I'm coming from, you can understand my frustration. On the one hand, I am proud that I got accepted, but on the other hand, I am so upset about the fact that the acceptance doesn't actually mean much.

So, the train.

I now take the train to school every day. It's a nice ride- perfect for downtime, not too long . . .
Today on my way home from school, I randomly had an interesting thought. While it was playing through my head, I was asking myself- where is this coming from? It didn't feel like I was thinking the thought- but rather like it was being said to me from a corner of my mind that I didn't know exists. And as I was thinking the thought, I was asking myself- what is this leading to???

The train runs some portions in a tunnel and the rest of the tracks are in the open. There is a short period of time during which we ride over the Delaware River. Looking out the window and over the water, it feels sort of like you're flying because you can't see the bridge rails.

And then you go down into the darkness, into the tunnel.
It's like one second you're soaring and then the next, it's over. No more view, just the black tunnel wall. And in those moments, you see your reflection and the inside of the train. In the reflection, I see the other people on the train and a glimpse of their realities- their tired faces that have under-eye bags seemingly molded into them, their ID's, etc.

And everything seems to be flying by (especially if you're sitting backwards as I was)- you are looking towards where you're coming from and you have a clear view of it while on the bridge (the most exciting part), and then you're sucked into the tunnel. Darkness surrounds you and you know that you are no longer where you were before (officially in New Jersey and not Pennsylvania anymore when you cross the bridge). You can't even see that view anymore.

And I thought to myself, that I can't complain. Both directions are taking me to a place where I am blessed to be going. One direction takes me to school- one of the most competitive in the area. To be able to receive such an education is a privilege. To be there is a gift. The other direction takes me home. Even though I miss living with my friends and being at my previous school, I now get to go home and see my family every day. Thank God for my family and my home. I have somewhere to go at the end of the day. Going to school at Philly, I am constantly reminded that this is not the case for everyone.

First I thought all of those thoughts. And then I thought:

This is literally my life (and life, the human experience, in general).
I was out in the open, all happy flying and enjoying a beautiful view- and then suddenly sucked into what seems to me like darkness. We can't always see where things are leading us, but that doesn't mean that they aren't leading us anywhere good. The thoughts and emotions fly by because ain't nobody got time to dwell.
In those moments of darkness, I see a different reality (the inside of the train)- which isn't as exciting as my view of the River. And in the meantime, I'm moving further away from the bridge- the beautiful view. And just because I want to go towards the bridge- doesn't mean that's where I necessarily belong. If the train were to stop and change directions, it would be taking me back towards Philly and away from where I am supposed to be going- home.

I certainly can't say that I feel at home at my new school as much as I did in my previous school, but I do strongly believe that this change had to be made for a reason. Several reasons have been discovered already (stories for a different time).

It is in the darkest times of life that we must reflect on ourselves and that we do reflect on ourselves and the world around us. I felt like by entering the tunnel and seeing my reflection and everyone else on the train- the universe was telling me to look around, notice just how much things have changed- and embrace it. I first saw the beautiful view and was flying high, but I need to stop looking at that constantly. Look at where you are NOW. Give all of these new things opportunities. This is your new reality.

This applies not just to me, not just to those who take trains or to those who are starting a new school. Hell no. This applies to all people and everyone's life.

Stop dwelling on the past, and look towards the future.

Having a hard time? Hate that things had to change?
Well, it's life. So stop dwelling and start seeing, appreciating, opening up your mind, experiencing and most importantly- NOTICING. Notice the little things and the big things, the long-lasting and short-lasting, the good and the bad. Notice it all, because this is your reality. And unless you have a time machine (which you don't) . . . hehehe sorry just had to remind you . . .

Let go of the past and move towards the future.
Move with assurance, excitement, and passion.
It's OK to be upset. Be upset --> let go.

Best of luck.

The Secret to Getting Rid of Fear (and why you need to get rid of it NOW)

This is a quick post- something that I thought about the other day. I was thinking about my music and what I want to do with it.
However, every time I imagine myself performing in front of people, I get nervous and feel like there is no possible way that I will be able to overcome my fear of performing in front of a crowd.

Being that I was in the middle of studying and couldn't write a blog post right away, I wrote myself a little side note:

"Never be afraid
Just have confidence
Because when you screw up, nobody will know what you really have
Nobody will care"

I realized that if I don't just force myself to ignore my fear (I will post tips for this below) and won't act with confidence, I will never get anywhere with my music. Psht, I will never get anything done that makes me intimidated in the slightest bit.

If I don't have confidence when singing (or doing anything- apply this to your situation), then my voice will not come off as very strong and the quality of my music won't be all that great. Nobody will ever know what I'm actually capable of. I will never be able to give them my best. My real ability will go to waste because nobody will know about it BECAUSE I was too nervous while singing. And in the end, nobody will care because nobody will KNOW.

I don't want my possible success to be cut short because of fear.

I often think about the quote. "There is nothing to fear but fear itself"- Franklin Roosevelt

It is so true.
Unless of course, one is afraid of jumping off of a building or is afraid of petting a bear- that kind of fear is obviously good. Everything in moderation. I'm referring to the kind of fear that holds us back from achieving our dreams and from taking constructive risks, because in those cases we are missing out and possibly even losing great opportunities.

So I am telling you to ignore your fear that is holding you back from socializing, from joining that club, or from following your dream- because in the end either you go after it or you don't- and the outcome will affect nobody but you. Nobody will ever know.

And one or two or several failures will not stop you from being successful.
There have been so many times that success stories were first failure stories. Starbucks was denied from banks like 200 something times, J.K Rowling was turned down by multiple publishing companies before Harry Potter was even just considered, Usher turned down Justing Bieber's offer to sing for him the first time Justin met Usher, etc.

How to stop being afraid:
Ignore the negative thoughts, Just stop thinking them. This takes time and practice and determination and perseverance and will sometimes drive you crazy but you DONT. GIVE. UP!!!! (Meet the Robinsons reference!!)

Every time a negative thought starts creapin' up on you, you do your kung-fu-slash move on that crap (false language included for seriousness purposes) and move on with your life. Seriously though, sing a song or say a prayer or whatever and move on with your shit.

And that's it.

You just get rid of the negative thoughts and focus on what you need to do. Pretty soon, the negative thoughts go away . . . and without negative thoughts, we get good shit done.

So good luck with all of that and don't forget that at the end of the day- either it happens or it doesn't. It's your life- take it into your own hands.
Good luck!