In a Nutshell (A Tribute to Amos Oz)

The trains are still running 

The skies are still raining 

The people are still talking 

Nothing has changed 

The times are still set 

The classes are beginning 

They all are still cheering 

Everything is the same

The writers are writing 

The singers are singing 

The ground is still as is the cold winter air 

That same officer is standing at that same corner 

When I first asked him where a certain building was 

3 years ago

The same man is working at the station 

Handing out pamphlets at 6am

I used to run by him on my way to school 

For 2 years

Adults are rushing to work

And children to school

Worrying about something we all have before

My worries are no longer mine 

They belong to the next one in line 

For I have inherited another's 

The process goes on and on 

But for not that long 

We realize one day 

When we are old and grey 

But then it may be too late

To understand this fate 

You have slept far too long 

Perhaps you have done it all wrong

“In a nutshell, the choice is between going through this life awake or in a kind of stupor.”
― Amos Oz, A Tale of Love and Darkness

I read Oz's book, referenced above, about a year ago. It was extremely nostalgic and the emotions he expressed were those I wish I could write down on paper and formulate into coherent words myself. His words are those that people need to hear. 

What I took away from his story was that whether or not you decide to move or to stay, everything is going to remain- for the most part- the same. 

A tribute to Amos oz- Israeli writer, novelist, journalist, and intellectual. December 28, 2018. 

The Last Night, Last Night (On Being at the Kotel on the 8th Night of Chanukah)

There is a woman yelling in my ear. She is trying to communicate with someone over the phone while simultaneously not lose her kid in the crowd of thousands. 

I am standing on a chair and I think I may fall any minute though the rush of excitement and energy in the air makes me want to ignore any ounce of fear I have at the thought of possibly getting injured. 

I hear mumbles coming from the crowd of strangers and also personal interactions. 

My feet ache and I want to go to sleep, though I feel like I could also run a mile. I want to run past every person and place. 

I feel like a contradiction in every sense of the word. I’m awake and exhausted. Ecstatic and sad. So sure of everything, yet confused. I’ve got it all figured out and I’m so painfully overwhelmed.

I am a contradiction. 

Everything is a contradiction and I want the world to freeze, but everyone is moving so fast. Everything is a blur and my thoughts are racing. My emotions are running. 

Jerusalem, Israel

I want everyone to stop so I can stare at them and see the answers written in their eyes. 

Or maybe guess the answers and hope that they’re right so maybe I can feel less guilty. I can feel less guilty because we are all guilty. We are all longing for the same things yet we feel so disconnected. We are all confused in our own and the same ways. We all fall prey to that which we wish we could just let go of and let disappear into non-existence.

I want to make everything quiet and still with a single word. I want to be able to hear a pin drop in this crowd of people. I want to see every detail of every interaction in slow motion. 

And I don’t know why. 

I don’t care about all these details, but my curiosity drives me towards them. I don’t care but I want everyone else to. I want everyone else to see something deeper and brighter and greater. 

I want everyone to see me. 

But I am a shadow in the light. 

I absorb it and hold onto it as tight as I can. Until it slips away, hopefully to someone else. To inspire someone else. To drive someone else. Perhaps that force will cause them to feel the way I feel and see what I see and think what I’m thinking. 

Perhaps we all share this light. 

This light sends a message to this town, this city, this state, country, continent, world, planet. 

Perhaps this light is not just meant for us here. Perhaps it is meant for everyone. 

It sends a ring in my ears and a peace in my mind. A warmth in my heart and a shiver in my spine. 

Then we all dissipate and scatter. We all go our separate ways, but the light is still shining in the place it was lit. I feel it leaving me, throwing me into an alternate universe. A universe of normalcy. I feel myself slowing down and aching spiritually.

Like me, this light is a contradiction. It is a story. Waiting to be heard and trying to find a place in every heart, mind, and soul. 

Perhaps this light is a reflection of me. Perhaps it is a reflection of all of us. A reflection of who we want to be and the visions we have in our minds of who we are becoming. 

And so I conclude in my mind as I lay down to bed: Tell the others. The answers have been found. Share the never-ending wonder and perhaps it will live in you.

Thanksgiving

I am grateful for my fears because they have taught me how to be brave. I am grateful for the opportunities missed because they led me to the ones I have now. I am grateful for when my siblings annoy me because being far away from home I realize how much I miss it. I am grateful for the distance I currently have from my friends (though it’s hard) because it has shown me how privileged I am to have those that will go out of their way to actually call me when we haven’t seen each other in months (and work out the time differences even squeezing me in during your lunch break at work😫). I am grateful for the new friends I’ve made and the home away from home I’ve built here in 🇮🇱. I am grateful for moments of sadness because through those moments I learned what happiness is. I am grateful for my story, my reality, what is yet to come, and even the unknown because it is what makes life so exciting. I used to think I wanted all the answers but now realize it’s searching for them that makes it all worthwhile. I am grateful for being grateful because sometimes it’s harder than it should be❤️ Oh and I’m also grateful for bread though I have a gluten sensitivity and for people who kill bugs for me🙂 Real deal. #shabbatshalom #thanksgiving #grateful

Shabbat: My Favorite Day of the Week

I would like to share something interesting that I learned in one of my classes this past week🙏🏻. 

Since the Shabbat Project (when people from all over the world celebrate the day of rest together) just passed and the topic of the class had to do with finding balance in life- I feel that discussing Shabbat is fitting👌🏻.

In class we discussed the importance of maintaining a healthy balance between work and rest. Being that I personally struggle with being able to find that healthy balance (I have that typical present-day multi-tasking, being "busy" obsession), I really appreciated the wise perspective my teacher introduced to my frame of mind. 

She presented a simple scenario👀:

A child does something wrong and is told by his parents to stand in the corner. This form of discipline is meant to help the child improve on his character so that the child will have time to reflect on the wrongdoing, and hopefully will come to understand how to behave properly. After the child has stood in the corner for a period of time, expresses an understanding of what was done wrong, and apologizes- the parent tells the child that he can now leave the corner. The child however decides to stay in the corner for another hour. The parent tells the child it is not necessary and that his time in the corner is over. The child insists on staying in the corner for another hour🤔.  

So many times without even realizing it, we tend to trap ourselves in our routines, work, schedules... etc. The above analogy is not to say that work and tasks are punishments... not at all. Having a purpose and role in life is vital to our wellbeing👍🏻. However, it is also vital to ensure that we don't allow these aspects of our lives to take over our lives altogether. 

Life should not revolve around being tied down to our work. It is a popular trend now- being "busy","productive" and multitasking. These things make us feel good... until we get burnout. When we don't allow ourselves to take a break and step back from everything, we are doing ourselves a disservice. We are hurting ourselves, often times unecessarily. 

This is why I appreciate Shabbat. It is my guilt-free day of rest, how I get myself to relax and hold back from doing, doing, doing... like I normally do🤷‍♀️. Turning off all of my electronics and unplugging from the outside world for 25 hours a week. 25 hours for introspection and tranquility. 

All the moreso, in Israel with an amazing group of people!☺️

Shabbat Project 10/26/18
Bet Shemesh, Israel 

Before the Beginning

I have had many beginnings in the past several years. 
As we all have had- in our own ways.
This one, I think, is the best one yet.

Over the next several months, I will be traveling to Israel and delving into the wisdom of ancient texts. I will be immersed in a culture and environment of self-development and growth. I will be improving on two of the three languages which I speak/write/read (Russian and Hebrew). I will be working for an organization whose mission statement itself is a personal passion of mine. I will be scouring the open market, getting shoved by elderly women on public transportation (has happened before and I am only waiting for it to happen again), admitting sheepishly that I don't speak the local language well enough to actually have a conversation. When I ask for directions in Hebrew, that's all I know!!! I can't actually understand the directions you give me in Hebrew. 

There is always that time period before the actual "adventure" begins. I just finished my internship, prepping my phone service and luggage, getting in all those doctor appointments, trying to figure out if I have any issues I should face now while in the country where I can actually formulate incomprehensible sentences the issues that must be dealt with😅. Saying goodbye to friends, who are also moving on in their own directions. They are going West and I am going East. This part of the experience is easiest yet hardest in several ways. Easiest because you haven't yet jumped out of your airplane. Hardest because you're itching to get out.

What makes me happiest is that I have made an atypical decision. I am doing the not-so-standard thing. I am doing something that I know I will never have the opportunity to do again. If I want this opportunity ever, then I better grab it. So I did. 

You know those little postcards you see on Pinterest or those adventurous lines in poems that refer to taking chances and doing things that scare the sh*t out of you? Well, this is my postcard. This is my poem. 

I am on my way to unknown things. 

How you can allow time to be on your side

Today I would like to write about something that I have started taking extremely seriously. 

Time. 
Hours. Minutes, seconds. 

They all add up. Before we know it, time has forever slipped out of our hands and there is absolutely nothing that we can do to get it back. If anything, we can only learn and agree to use the rest of the time that we have left- to do more and be more than we were previously.

The good and the bad news is that time is finite. This is a good thing because it reminds us of the value of every moment. We aren’t just existing. We are creating realities in a measurable spectrum, in an immeasurable capacity. We have so much potential as human beings to create, imagine, and bring about change. 

It is extremely unfortunate that despite this immense potential that is existent within and by us people(yes, people create potential because we are the cause by which potential has come into existence because it is we who hold this potential)... so many of us allow it to slip away aimlessly. Or rather, we devalue our time by spending it and using it on means which have no value or purpose at all. 


Think about all the time that you spend and all of the activities on which you spend that time. What percentage of your time are you doing something that is actually benefitting you? How much time do you aimlessly spend on your phone or computer? It’s way too easy to lose something that is so valuable, to things (and sometimes even people) who have no value to us whatsoever. 

So how can you allow time to be on your side? 

By being conscious. By being aware. By caring about how you spend it! By taking small steps throughout your day to question if you are spending your time in a valuable manner. By saying no to certain things. By planning just how you are going to make sure that you not waste anymore time than you already have!!! (Will soon be making a blog post about how planning actually helps with reducing anxiety, though this may seem obvious to some). 

Try to become more conscious of how you spend your time and who you spend your time with. Make it a goal for yourself to be able to honestly say that every moment you spend is an investment to your short and long term happiness, success and worth. 

After all, time was given to us for free. The time we have now was not payed for. We didn’t have to fight for time on this earth. We didn’t have to work hard to be born. Perhaps what came after wasn’t all that easy, but you have time on this earth either way. So take it and do the best that you can with it. Take advantage of it. 

Investing in yourself is your greatest asset. Time is not on your side (but only if you don’t allow it to be).

22 Things I’ve Learned in 22 Years (Birthday Post, April 21st)

1️⃣life comes at you fast so it’s ok to take things slow sometimes. Don’t rush what already goes by so quickly. 
2️⃣enjoy the journey instead of being preoccupied about the destination 
3️⃣there is a lot that can be learned from others so never underestimate someone else’s potential to teach you something 
4️⃣you don’t always have to be social. Sometimes being alone is a good thing 
5️⃣time is of the essence and patience is a virtue 
6️⃣the best friendships are those that pick up just as they were left off- like there was never any time apart 
7️⃣it’s better to try and fail than to never try and not know 
8️⃣Most “problems” are non-existent. If it can be resolved by action, then it’s not a problem 9️⃣smiling makes everything better (though resting bitch face is comfortable so I’m not saying that won’t be happening😬) 
1️⃣0️⃣ONE thing isn’t EVERYthing 
1️⃣1️⃣do what makes you happy, not what will make other people think that you are happy 
1️⃣2️⃣it’s the small actions and decisions that make big changes 
1️⃣3️⃣the only person you have to prove something to is yourself. The only person you should compare yourself to is the person you want to be 
1️⃣4️⃣the universe doesn’t care if you’re unhappy and things won’t change just because you want them to... if you want change, then you gotta make moves 
1️⃣5️⃣don’t confuse thoughts/plans with actions. You may be thinking a lot about doing something and never actually take the necessary steps 
1️⃣6️⃣be positive and be kind- even when it’s hard (gotta work on these 🙃) 
1️⃣7️⃣be more afraid of not doing said thing, than afraid of doing it 
1️⃣8️⃣life truly does begin when you decide to be brave enough to leave your comfort zone 1️⃣9️⃣quality > quantity 
2️⃣0️⃣replace fear with excitement. Stop worrying about what could go wrong and be excited for what could go right 
2️⃣1️⃣don’t forget to remember why you started. Don’t complain about the decisions you made 2️⃣2️⃣be curious and be passionate. Ask a lot of questions and act on your intuition

Spring Break 2018

This spring break was magnificent. This was my last break ever while in college, and it was everything I wanted it to be.
I didn't open a book or my iPad. I didn't look at my calendar (for those of you who know me, you know how big of a deal this is for me) or think about anything school-related.
I actually did everything I wanted to do, and more.

I have chosen to write about my spring break experience for several reasons:

1. It's my very last break in college so it is somewhat sentimental for me. 
2. I am inspired by how wonderful my break was. 
3. There are so many memories that I want to share. 
4. So I can look back at this one day and relish in the happiness. 

My break started off with a nice weekend at home. It was my first weekend in five weeks being home. The weekends before I was going away for Shabbat with friends (while this is so much fun, I needed a break)! Every weekend I went away I was traveling at least an hour each way, so I really felt the need to stay home and relax with my family. The awesome thing was that everyone was home and the weather was perfect. Shabbat was super relaxing and I really appreciated not needing to think about the week up ahead. 

Saturday night, as soon as Shabbat ended, I went up to Rutgers University to see a Russian comedian! I got to see two of my friends that I haven't seen in almost a year! The last time I saw them both was on my birthday, last April! We had been planning to meet up for the longest time but never got until now. After the comedian, I went over to my best friend's house on campus and got to see some more friends who I had not seen the week before- but who I still really missed and couldn't wait to hang out with! It was like a mini reunion and it made me really happy!!!

The next day, Sunday, I went over to the library and got to hang out with some more friends! It is always nice going back to Rutgers because I spent two wonderful years there. I really found myself there with these people, and whenever I am there it is as if nothing has changed. I sat in the computer lab for the first time since I had left the school (little things like that matter to me).

After spending most of the day on campus, I went over to my grandparents' home. They live near campus, so it was really convenient. I got to spend some time with them, which was really nice! I will soon be sharing their stories on my blog! I spent the evening with them talking about their lives in Russia and their immigration stories! I got the idea to write about them a while ago. I think it is important to share our history and to be aware of the struggles those before us had faced. It makes us stronger and more aware of where we are coming from. Then we had dinner and I stayed overnight. The next day I went back home to spend Monday-Wednesday with the family. I took it easy.

Thursday I went to a wedding in Brooklyn with my family. It was a lot of fun and nice to be in New York. I love New York! I feel like I belong there. That night I stayed in Manhattan and the next day chilled out with my sister and her boyfriend. Then I went over to Jersey City to meet up with my friend Rosalyn for yet another Shabbaton! We ended up rooming with two other girls, and all four of us hit it off really well! We had SO much fun together! We spent Shabbat with a bunch of really nice and interesting people. The view from Shabbat dinner (we were on the 11th floor of a building in Jersey City which is right across Manhattan) was incredible. We could see the Statue of Liberty and skyline from where we were. We stayed in a building that used to house Russian Jewish immigrants before resettling them in the city, which was very interesting because it's part of my history (well, sort of, since my parents and grandparents were Russian Jewish immigrants).

Saturday night we got to spend the night in an Airbnb for free! The apartment was so nice and in the perfect location- a 5-minute walk from the train to New York, and right by a bunch of bars and clubs. We went out in Jersey City Saturday night before coming back at around 2am. The next day we went into Manhattan! We got some breakfast before going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for a private pre-Passover Tour.

There was a decent sized group of us, and we became friendly with the other people in the group- even planning another Shabbaton get-together! My sister came to meet up with me and we all went out for pizza together (even our tour guide)!

Afterward, we went into Brooklyn to meet up with some other people and got to see the best view of the city from the rooftop!!

Taking the Hard Way Out

Over the past several months, as I have been inching closer to my college graduation, there has been a lot to consider and to think about. 

One thing that I am really looking forward to, is possibly moving to the city where a lot of my friends live and where there is a younger scene. I have been giving this idea a lot of thought, and it brings me both a lot of excitement as well as fear. This will be the biggest step I will ever have taken.

Despite all of these fears and anxiety that comes along with taking this big step, I have still been strongly considering this move. Although I could easily just stay home where everything is provided for me and there are so many fewer things that I have to worry about, I would much rather do that which is more challenging. 

Why? 

Well, because taking the easy way out is never fun. You may be wondering what is fun about doing something that is hard. Well, my question for you is what is fun about doing something that is easy? It is during the challenging experiences when we really grow and develop as people. Doing what is easy and playing it safe rarely gives one what to be proud of.

I have also learned from experience that doing that which is hard, is oftentimes what usually brings me happiness and feelings of success. I think back to when I was struggling with shyness and social anxiety. I remember being afraid to talk to people or to ask a question in class. I realized that unless I would do that which I was afraid to do- I would continue to feel powerless, disappointed and simply unhappy. 

Later on, I would regret not having made those moves. I realized that the only way that I could feel good inside was to talk to people and ask questions in class. I realized that the more fear I had to do something, the happier I was when I did them. 

Even now I feel unhappy when I get anxious about things and allow my fear to take over. When I do that which brings me anxiety, I feel much more confident in myself and feel pride. If there is anything that I hate, it is losing an opportunity to make myself better. I am oftentimes very hard on myself and rebuke myself for not having said or done something which I had been afraid to do but knew was the right thing. We all have those moments. I think it is safe to say that I would always rather do that which brings me fear than later on feel that I did not do the right thing. Many times we fear what is right because the right decision is more challenging. 

And so you may be thinking to yourself, "taking the hard way out is not really taking a way out at all." However, I digress. 

When doing that which is harder, you are indeed taking the way out. You are taking the way out because it is what will benefit you in the long run. Doing that which is easy is cutting yourself short. Not that we should always search for things to be hard, but I’m just touching on the idea that the majority of things in life that will bring us pride and joy, will require us to overcome challenges and go out of our comfort zones. Doing that which is challenging conditions us to grow towards our goals and desires, which ultimately come with their own set of challenges. 

So I challenge you to do something you have been wanting to do which you haven't done because you were too afraid. I guarantee that you will feel so much better taking this hard way out into a world of self-fulfillment and internal happiness. 

When You "Like, Start Realizing Stuff"

Everybody made fun of Kylie Jenner for saying that 2016 would be the year of realizing stuff (I have to throw in an LOL here because it really was hilarious).

Although it did sound silly and people are realizing things all the time... and I guess specifically 2016 could've been the year, though I think (and many people would agree) that this year has been rather confusing in many ways.

Anyhow...

This post is about realizing things....
but on a deeper level.

If you read my last post, then you've been updated on my major life change (though the major life change isn't really the important part).

The important point for me to make is what I now know- how I went from being so confused, lost, and thinking that one of the best things that had ever happened to me had slipped right out of my hands - to living out a dream of mine and being given a wonderful opportunity. The important point for me to make is realizing that seemingly bad things at times occur in order for better things to take their place.

Have you ever thought about your life and the things that happen to you, as a story? Just how in movies and books, the little events (the minor mentioning of a seemingly random person or something or other) lead to major occurrences. When watching and reading movies and books, you know that the plot starts and ends somewhere and that there is a purpose and a mission and that everything leads to something major. However, during our lifetimes we are unaware of where things are going. It's not like there is a synopsis we can read over. We are not given a choice to pick which life we would like to live.
------ -------- -------- -------- ---------
I wrote the previous several paragraphs several days ago. I had a mental block when trying to finish it- probably because I was trying to cope with an almost 24-hour journey to Israel. I am now here in Israel on a learning program. We discuss religious topics, but also focus a lot on self-growth and life in general. My tutor and I began to discuss faith.

Now, this isn't really about faith. This is more about patience. This is about letting the universe finish its sentences. What do I mean by this?

How many times have you drawn conclusions or freaked out over an occurrence or situation in your life? Something didn't go your way, or something negative happened. We naturally begin to think things are falling apart, I am not going to be happy, this is bad, this can't be good . . .

So some time goes by and something else happens and you realize that that something you were upset over, needed to happen for a reason. If not for that occurrence, X wouldn't have occurred and this X has changed your life for the better.

It has always been a dream of mine to record my music and have it produced. I always imagined I would somehow bump into somebody (in a coffee shop or mall) who could help me do this. I know this is strange. All I knew was that that would (probably) be the only way this dream of mine would come true. I usually have very vivid scenarios play over and over in my head- extremely random and illogical. It's really weird- all I can think to myself is that I am being ridiculous, but then say to myself that I have no idea where those thoughts come from so it's not my fault I'm being ridiculous. I truly am extremely logical. I don't allow my emotions to guide my decision, but rather try to ignore them because I hate having to deal with them. I base my decisions off of logic. If something makes sense to me, I'll choose it and won't allow my emotions to sway me from doing the logical thing.

So I had to switch schools and I was heartbroken- leaving my best friends and the place where I had become the person I had always wanted to be. I had grown so much and was so happy there. I couldn't understand how it could ever turn out for my betterment. And then things got even harder. My school had assigned me Saturday/Sunday clinical dates even though I had told them Saturday I observe the Sabbath and to please give me a religious consideration. Saturday was also the only day I could go to my old school to spend the Sabbath with my friends, and so this meant that I would lose the opportunities to do that. I was so upset the night I found out, I couldn't even focus on my work. I couldn't get myself to do anything.

Long story short- My mother recommended I go to Starbucks with her that afternoon- to get my mind off of things for a bit. It was almost closing time, but there was one other group of people there and they for some reason decided to sit right next to us. These people ended up being the family members of the manager of an up and coming singer. I asked them if I could maybe send some of my songs, and they got me in touch with the manager. Nothing major has happened and nothing more probably will. But in the process of trying to figure out what exactly to send this manager, my best friend referred me to one of her good friends who produces music.

The really crazy part though is that my concern had always been how producing my music would fit in with the rest of my life- school, being with my family . . .
But both the manager and producer are right in my town. And they were around the whole time- I had gone to high school with the producer and the manager lives right down the street from the high school. I didn't have to move or make any major life change that would conflict with my life . . . on the other hand, I had to stay- to be at home. If I was at my old school, I wouldn't have been living at home (would've been up north) and so wouldn't have been able to record my music. I probably would've never met the manager, and if not for meeting the manager I would've never had the issue of needing to get my music professionally recorded and so would've never been referred to the producer (who I have now become friends with)!

But none of this is the point.
I was freaking out. I was so upset about this life change. And although I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and ultimately is for the best (and deep down inside believed this was the case for this occurrence), I was uninspired by it all. I didn't want to deal with it and didn't trust G-d's plan (which of course is better than mine, at least I believe).

I didn't let G-d finish His sentence. "Your life is going to change"... and I start freaking out.... "and something you've been waiting for will happen for you."

This is not a goal... this is a mindset. 
Change your mindset.

By the way, there were several other things that happened that showed me why I had to switch. I had to come to this new school for several reasons- some of which I now know. Although things have changed drastically, I now realize that I was ready for it. I didn't want to let go because I just didn't want things to change and have to deal with it. But then what good would that be if things had not changed? I wouldn't have had much room for growth- which I have been able to do more of. Previously Sabbath was a lot easier to keep because I was always surrounded by my friends. Not being able to keep the Sabbath with them- and having to do it by myself- strengthened my connection to it all because it became hard. I started keeping the Sabbath because I knew it was the right thing to do, more so than because it was the normal thing to do (all of my friends were keeping it too). And so this way I have learned a lot about myself and what it all means to me on a more personal level. I have experienced a tremendous amount of personal growth. After the two years of being satisfied with where I was, G-d was telling me it was time to grow some more. Comfort is not what we should aim for, but rather we should strive for constant growth. 

I've said a lot here.
Grow from what I have shared. Apply it to your own life.
Good luck.

Life is a TRAIN (On Dealing With Unwelcome Change)

Earlier today I related my life to the train I was riding.

Say what?

Yes, I know. Strange.

Let me back up a little bit and explain what that has to do with the title of this blog post.

The lead-up to my main point is somewhat long, but it is necessary in order to understand the emotions that have led to me to realize what I am sharing with you. My goal is not to share with you my life story and personal achievements, but rather to fully explain where I am coming from with my dramatic comparison (which I will share with you shortly).

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, I recently started a new school. This transition has been very hard for me- leaving my friends, adjusting yet again to a new school (this is my fourth school in six years), and adapting to a new lifestyle.
Yes, I will and already have made new friends, I have adjusted to the school and adapted to the lifestyle (for the most part, at least).

But there is a greater significance to my switching schools.

You see, I had been in two elementary schools, two high schools, and now in two colleges. It wasn't until my first year of college where I actually felt that I belonged, that I felt happy with where I was and who I was. My elementary school years were split in half between two schools. I went from a local public school to a private school in another town. At the time I was awfully shy and had a hard time making friends. I had a hard time transitioning to the private school- I got bullied for a short period of time (funny because we ended up becoming friends), didn't understand what was being said half the time (half the school day was spent learning in Hebrew), and so, therefore, felt extremely out of place. My middle school was connected to my elementary school so it was basically one and the same. Still the same people, school and awkward me.

High school came around and it did not exactly go as planned. I started off at an out-of-state private school that was a struggle in itself to just adjust to. My life went from getting home at 5 pm every day to getting home at 7 pm. I was the first and last stop on the bus, and didn't even get picked up or dropped off at home- I had to drive 10 minutes to my bus stop every morning and have somebody pick me up from the community center where the bus dropped me off. I begged my parents to let me transfer to the local public school (even though I was afraid of that too since I hadn't been in public school since 3rd grade and was used to small schools (I graduated middle school with only 11 people)), but the only other choice they gave me was my sister's boarding school. I was miserable. My life was a mess and in the most positive way possible- it was awful.

Eventually, of course, things got better. But I was never really happy. I was just constantly on the run, never having time for myself. There wasn't really anything to make me want to stay, which is what was so upsetting. Again (but even more strongly), I felt SO out of place. I was the only student from my town, so nobody even knew what it was. I was friendly with basically the few kids from my middle school and several others, but besides for that people didn't even know my name (and this was a school with less than 200 kids so everyone typically knew each other). I felt so awkward and unwelcome. Even now, being as social and talkative as I am, I wouldn't want to socialize with many of those people. And with such a small school, you're either in it or you're not- there is no in-between like in public school. There were just so many reasons why I wasn't happy there.

Summer entering junior year, I decided I was switching to public school. At this point, I wasn't even afraid. I just wanted to get the hell out of my reality.

My two years in public school were great! They really were. It was a major breakthrough for me because I really had to jump into the unknown. I know now that I needed those experiences to make me strong and capable of dealing with life (if you have read my blog posts about overcoming anxiety, then you know that it was so bad that I literally was scared of life).
But still- it was just a stopover for me. I was just a random. And understandably so- I was a new kid, still more on the quiet side.
I made friends, reconnected with people from my first elementary school- and survived. I literally thought I would see kids being stuffed into lockers and such (private school kids are afraid of public school kids- at least where I came from. People from my private school literally asked me how I wasn't scared to go to public school). I had in a sense crossed to the other side- the world where people look and act older, and do things private school kids don't know about. Me out of all people. How could I survive that- you know, being all meek and stuff?

This stage was amazing because I had officially become me- the person I had been working towards. Graduation wasn't just me leaving high school and home- it was the end of my gruesome self-training. I wrote more about this in my other blog posts (How I Overcame Social Anxiety, Enjoying the Journey, Tell Your Story, and several others). I had reached the goals I had set for myself such as being able to start a conversation, not feeling fear for no reason, being able to call someone on the phone comfortably . . . basically, I had become a functional person driven by goals and dreams rather than by fear.

Came college- the absolute best two years of my life thus far. I couldn't ask for a better environment, better people, better experiences, or better me (no pun intended). I had never felt so right in my entire life.
One might say this was the case because I had come to terms with myself. But I don't think that was the reason. It definitely helped make it possible, but all the other factors that go into someone's life had to be present- the group of people, the community, the opportunities, and experiences . . .

For the first time ever in my life, I had a group of friends. Prior, I was a floater. I had a friend here, a friend there- but was a lone soldier for the most part. My friends are the best part. They are still the best part because I am still friends with them even though I am not there. I went back to visit this past weekend and was enwrapped in the same warmth they had given me when I was there all the time. Not getting to be with my favorite people is something that is still a struggle.

Even though I don't get to experience the last 2 years with them, I am so happy I had the privilege to experience the first two. I am so incredibly grateful for those two years.

But this is exactly why I am so upset. For the first time ever, I was comfortable and happy and stable and felt secure . . . and then it came to an end. You see, I had applied to the nursing program at my previous school. It is a very competitive program, but I felt confident in my chances of getting accepted. I received a call in the middle of the summer and was told that I was one of the few students who had received neither an acceptance letter nor a rejection letter- the reason being because there were no more seats and they wanted to offer me a seat in the same exact program that is in another location.

It was and still is difficult to accept the fact that the only reason my life had to change so drastically is because of a lack of room. If I wasn't competitive enough, then fine- I wasn't good enough.

But I was. I was good enough and capable and . . . But it doesn't matter.

So now that you see where exactly I'm coming from, you can understand my frustration. On the one hand, I am proud that I got accepted, but on the other hand, I am so upset about the fact that the acceptance doesn't actually mean much.

So, the train.

I now take the train to school every day. It's a nice ride- perfect for downtime, not too long . . .
Today on my way home from school, I randomly had an interesting thought. While it was playing through my head, I was asking myself- where is this coming from? It didn't feel like I was thinking the thought- but rather like it was being said to me from a corner of my mind that I didn't know exists. And as I was thinking the thought, I was asking myself- what is this leading to???

The train runs some portions in a tunnel and the rest of the tracks are in the open. There is a short period of time during which we ride over the Delaware River. Looking out the window and over the water, it feels sort of like you're flying because you can't see the bridge rails.

And then you go down into the darkness, into the tunnel.
It's like one second you're soaring and then the next, it's over. No more view, just the black tunnel wall. And in those moments, you see your reflection and the inside of the train. In the reflection, I see the other people on the train and a glimpse of their realities- their tired faces that have under-eye bags seemingly molded into them, their ID's, etc.

And everything seems to be flying by (especially if you're sitting backwards as I was)- you are looking towards where you're coming from and you have a clear view of it while on the bridge (the most exciting part), and then you're sucked into the tunnel. Darkness surrounds you and you know that you are no longer where you were before (officially in New Jersey and not Pennsylvania anymore when you cross the bridge). You can't even see that view anymore.

And I thought to myself, that I can't complain. Both directions are taking me to a place where I am blessed to be going. One direction takes me to school- one of the most competitive in the area. To be able to receive such an education is a privilege. To be there is a gift. The other direction takes me home. Even though I miss living with my friends and being at my previous school, I now get to go home and see my family every day. Thank God for my family and my home. I have somewhere to go at the end of the day. Going to school at Philly, I am constantly reminded that this is not the case for everyone.

First I thought all of those thoughts. And then I thought:

This is literally my life (and life, the human experience, in general).
I was out in the open, all happy flying and enjoying a beautiful view- and then suddenly sucked into what seems to me like darkness. We can't always see where things are leading us, but that doesn't mean that they aren't leading us anywhere good. The thoughts and emotions fly by because ain't nobody got time to dwell.
In those moments of darkness, I see a different reality (the inside of the train)- which isn't as exciting as my view of the River. And in the meantime, I'm moving further away from the bridge- the beautiful view. And just because I want to go towards the bridge- doesn't mean that's where I necessarily belong. If the train were to stop and change directions, it would be taking me back towards Philly and away from where I am supposed to be going- home.

I certainly can't say that I feel at home at my new school as much as I did in my previous school, but I do strongly believe that this change had to be made for a reason. Several reasons have been discovered already (stories for a different time).

It is in the darkest times of life that we must reflect on ourselves and that we do reflect on ourselves and the world around us. I felt like by entering the tunnel and seeing my reflection and everyone else on the train- the universe was telling me to look around, notice just how much things have changed- and embrace it. I first saw the beautiful view and was flying high, but I need to stop looking at that constantly. Look at where you are NOW. Give all of these new things opportunities. This is your new reality.

This applies not just to me, not just to those who take trains or to those who are starting a new school. Hell no. This applies to all people and everyone's life.

Stop dwelling on the past, and look towards the future.

Having a hard time? Hate that things had to change?
Well, it's life. So stop dwelling and start seeing, appreciating, opening up your mind, experiencing and most importantly- NOTICING. Notice the little things and the big things, the long-lasting and short-lasting, the good and the bad. Notice it all, because this is your reality. And unless you have a time machine (which you don't) . . . hehehe sorry just had to remind you . . .

Let go of the past and move towards the future.
Move with assurance, excitement, and passion.
It's OK to be upset. Be upset --> let go.

Best of luck.

Save Yourself From Your Future Regrets!!!

It has been exactly 2 months since I last wrote a blog post, and absolutely nothing is the same. In this short span of time, I have taken 6 courses (most people don't even take this many during a three-month period) and completed a very time-consuming and rather stressful list of pre-reqs for nursing school. This includes immunization shots and a hell of a lot of blood work. The nurse asked me which shoulder she should use for the shot, and I actually had to go over which would be the best option (my upper left arm has already suffered pain from last week's shot and my right antecubital has experienced bruising from blood work). Yes, I did indeed use the anatomical term for the front of my elbow. Thank you summer anatomy physiology course.

This hectic life of mine got me thinking (of course after it was all over with- there was absolutely no time to think/ponder about anything unrelated to nutrition, anatomy physiology or microbiology)- what does all of this mean? The stress, the hours spent studying, all of the many times I had to turn down opportunities to do something fun with my friends (during the freaking summer, which wasn't really much of a break so I won't call it exactly that). I know I need all this stuff for nursing school, and of course I have to go to nursing school because that is the career I chose... yada yada yada...

But when it's all said and done and I'm a nurse and 30 years old or whatever... how will I view all of this? Yes, I will be happy I have a job and obviously that is a major deal, but this commitment means I can't fully commit to other things in my life. It means I'm spending majority of my time doing nursing-related stuff... which means I'll be missing out on other things.

And that scares me.

I have been reading a lot of articles about what 30-year-olds would like to say to their 20-year-old selves, and what things people will regret tremendously in 10 years from now- not because I'm delving into this fear and trying to save myself, but because they've sort of been popping up in emails and on Facebook (is this the universe trying to tell me something?)

The two that I read that I enjoyed:
This and That!

I always love these kinds of reads because they provide a lot of valuable information from people of other walks of life. They provide information that I would not know otherwise. How would I, as a 20-year-old, know what I can do over the next 10 years to lessen the chances of my regretting something major? How could I even know or predict what I may possibly regret? Like letting fear control my decisions, or not giving enough credit to my failures (I wouldn't want only to realize when I am older that failures could've been viewed in a more positive way, or realize that they did indeed end up making me a stronger person). Or maybe not giving enough attention to my friends and not cultivating my friendships (not looking at the busy times in my life- but rather when I actually do have the time and don't take the opportunity to inquire about them). Or that I may regret not reading more? Or that maybe it is actually better to trust people and give them all the trust you got until they give you a reason not to.

Being that I am trying to be a more proactive person, this is one of the major aspects of my life that I am trying to focus more attention towards- making the right decisions AT THE RIGHT TIME.

With the small things too. After reading the part about cultivating relationships, I texted some of my closest friends and wished them good luck with school (or I just texted them something really random/silly, because who wouldn't appreciate that?). I realized that being that friend is important and I should make sure I let them know that I'm thinking of them. Because isn't that how people fall out of friendship? Time apart and not making enough of an effort to get together or see how they're doing? And then people regret not putting in more effort or wish they were still friends with those people? Na, I ain't going that path.

I decided to make a list of things that I want to start doing. Cultivating my relationships is one of them. Spending more time doing things that I KNOW for a FACT I will one day regret not putting more time towards (Youtube videos, blogging). And especially things that I would not have thought of beforehand (the little things that make life simply nicer) like going on more early-morning walks (when the sun just came up and there is fog on the ground and the air is cool and crisp), giving my younger siblings more attention (not that they need it, but I should give them more attention and offer to help with homework even if they won't end up needing it because one day I may look back and feel that maybe I should've spent more time with them when we all lived in the same house. And what better way is there to spend with someone you love, than by helping them?)

I think of all the little things I enjoy now that I might not be able to enjoy in the future. I think of all the things I KNOW I should spend more time towards, but that I don't because "life gets in the way" and "I get caught up doing other things." Well, nothing is worth the place of saving yourself from potentially feeling regretful. Nothing. Because other things can change/be mended, but the past cannot be altered. And time is of the essence. I constantly think this to myself. One can have tons of money, smarts, friends, etc. But if you don't consider the time that you have with all of those things/people, then simply having those things doesn't mean much. If you have the money to go on vacation and friends to hang out with, and don't make time for that vacation or your friends- then what good are they? With time - things come and go. Time is a measurement- a measurement of how much you've grown, how much you've accomplished, etc. Time is also a continuum- once the time is passed or over, there is no getting it back. Take it seriously and don't take it for granted. 

Imagine yourself ten years from now. What do you see?
What have you accomplished?
What do you miss about your past (which is now, because you are just imagining)?
What do you wish you spent more time doing?

Really consider all of these questions. Write down your thoughts. Make your own list.

To a future of much success and happiness.

Mission to Texas + Donald Trump - Video Journal 1 - To Do Or Not To Do

I do not want to call this a vlog, because I am not interested in sharing a random day in my life. This is the beginning of a new series I am starting: Journals. I each journal I will explore a different topic, thought, and inspiration. 

Because I have been so busy lately and don't have as much time to blog (also due to the fact that I want to devote more time to making videos), I decided to share my thoughts through a video. Sometimes showing is better than explaining. 

Sophomore year spring break. 10 days. 3 states. 

What is better? To be busy and constantly go from experience to experience, or to live the mellow life?
I explore this idea and come up with a personal conclusion. While I love to spend time at home with my family and have a stress-free week of having nowhere to be, I also have a desire to experience more- to travel, try new things, meet new people. For spring break I must choose one- stay at home for the week and do nothing particularly special, or spend my whole week traveling.
I share what I saw, experienced, and learned- all the while keeping in mind that life is meant to be lived.

Music:
Karaoke No Church in the Wild by Kanye West and JAY Z (ft Frank ocean)
Karaoke I Took a Pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner 

It Will Pass.

Who is wise?
  The one who learns from every person…

- Talmud, Ethics of the Fathers (4:1)

You really can learn something from everybody. Check out my blog post, Solution to Jealousy, for more info about that. 

This story may seem at first like it's not going anywhere, but I promise it gets better:)

Last semester I was taking a chemistry lab, which I dreaded. As I got off the bus and walked towards the building in which I would be spending the next 3 hours of my Friday afternoon, I took deep breaths while reminding myself that as soon as I would finish my lab work, I would be free for the weekend. I walked into the building, through the heavy door that led to the basement, down the stairs and into the basement. My 40 or so lab mates unhappily stood against the wall, waiting for the grumpy chemical storage director to let us into the lab. 

The building, the basement, the lab, the director (who would yell at a single student if he or she failed to maintain eye contact with him while he was speaking to the entire group of 20 or so students. Was that necessary? No.), and the unhappy-looking students were all contributions to the unsettling atmosphere that made chemistry lab more nerve-wrecking than it had to be. 

However, despite the deep-rooted darkness that the room itself emitted due to the 20 or so years of being managed by the grumpy chemical storage directory (who reminded me of Grendel, who lived far-off in his cave and was a hated figure far and wide, known to many generations of strong men who despised him. Similarly, this man was known for his hatred for freshmen, who were innocently trying to pass their first year of college), the door that slammed every time it closed and let off an angry-sounding echo, and the influx of nervous college students who were just trying to survive . . . 

There was a faint light. 

My TA. 

One of the most upbeat people I have ever met. He was always smiling. He was one of those people who had a kind face (I know this sounds like a strange way of describing somebody. This is a direct translation of a Russian- which is my first language- figure of speech. In Russian you would say somebody has a "dobraya leytso," which means "a kind face", when describing somebody who looks like a good person). He was so nice and easygoing. He would make jokes and answer questions without making you feel stupid. 

I was always inspired by his positivity. His positivity had such an impact on me, that I would think of him when trying to deal with a stressful situation. I would ask myself, "How would Nick respond to this situation?"

To get to the point of this post . . .

It was on the last day of lab, notably one of the happiest days of my life, that I had the opportunity to ask him. Wether it be that we wanted to have a discussion about life or something else that boggled our minds, he was happy to help in any way that he could. He even offered us to visit him at the library while he studied. And I will add that he was only 2 years older- he was taking graduate courses during his junior year of college. He was like the person you wish could be your best friend, but that you knew would never be your best friend. Such a great guy. 

I asked him how he is always so positive? I recalled how he one day told us with a smile on his face about the time his car stopped running and he had to wait for his dad for an hour to come get him. I would have been freaking out, upset over the fact that I was losing time and had to wait for someone to come get me. I would have been mad at the freaking car for not working!!! (Yes, I'm crazy. I am aware). 

This was his golden answer: Just know that everything will pass. Whatever difficulty you are dealing with right now- it will pass. It's just a phase. It won't be like this forever. 

This may sound like a lame answer . . . So many thoughts come to mind in response. 

Certain things have greater effects on future outcomes. 

What if it's not just a phase?

What if that theory applies to your life, but won't/ doesn't apply to mine?

Life must have been really chill for you; you must be lucky. 

Etc. 

But no. 

He is so right. 

Even if things may not end the way we want them to, and even if those things have major effects in the future . . .

Life goes on.

Pain fades. It's still there, no doubt about that. But it fades. 

The next phase of life will come and your focus will be something else. You may be stressed or afraid of something now, but in some time- it will be over. Life will move on, and eventually you will too. 

I look back on so many times in my life when I obsessed over something because I was afraid. For example, my AP Biology class junior year of high school. I was horrified when I couldn't get AP credit for an entire year of biology. It was rough, but now I'm a sophomore in college and am done with biology. Would the AP credit have saved time, money and energy? Yes, of course, but life went on and I am here now and life is still moving on. Life has its ups and downs- that definitely wasn't the last time I would feel disappointed- but it goes on. 

And really all we as humans can decide to do is swim above the currents. Because this is life. And if we are living these lives, then let's make the most of it. 

If you enjoyed this blog post, I recommend you read On the Idea of Happiness.