Let Go of Control

For the longest time I struggled to let go of needing to control even things that I knew I had no control over. 

I would work myself to exhaustion, not allow myself to fully enjoy any breaks from my hard work, and would feel guilty whenever I wasn’t being “productive.”

Because I was so hard on myself, I would never feel a sense of fulfillment. No matter how hard I worked. I found myself completely unhappy, and even desperate for that self acceptance that I would never get while stuck in that mindset. 

A lot of the lessons that I have learned in life, I have learned through those around me. As I always say, other people are our second greatest teachers. The greatest teacher is life itself. 

And I have learned from both other people and from life, that working yourself beyond full capacity and trying to control everything in the process, is never going to lead to fulfillment and happiness.

I realized that the people who would put in their honest effort, and then step back and let everything else work out for them, were the happiest and the ones who usually actually had things work out for them. 

Once I learned to let go, I became a much happier and healthier person. 

But it took me several years to be able to get to that point in life. 

I started living by the idea that the universe has my back. And since I have been able to truly believe and live that, I have seen so much more from life. 

I started truly living by the fact that everything is always really working out for me as long as I am putting in my honest effort and taking aligned action.

I have a newfound sense of peace and self-love. I have a newfound love for life itself. I don’t wake up in the morning with severe anxiety. I wake up looking forward to all the things that I will get to do- all the things I love and that bring me purpose.

All because of a mindset shift.

How to focus on your personal journey through life

 ✨Everyone is different (has different skills, strengths and weaknesses) and therefore have different paths. Don't compare yourself.

✨You are unique- you are the only person who has your life. Look at your strengths and weaknesses to better understand what your purpose might be.

✨Everyone has different challenges and obstacles so just because someone else has something that you don’t, it doesn’t mean that he or she is better than you. You may have different circumstances. Instead of asking "why not me," ask, "how can that be me too?"

✨Your life is about building yourself so build yourself to become the person you always wanted to be. In the meantime, try to build others up with you.

✨Learn from others- if someone has something you want (for example, a trait), work towards achieving it. Ask them for mentorship or advice. See what they might be doing right, and try to model that. You will actually find yourself appreciating this person, rather than feeling envy towards him or her.

✨Make a list of all the things you desire. Doing this will help you to stay focused. It will keep you going when things get tough. Additionally, write down WHY you want those things. Refer back to this list when you don't feel motivated or when you feel like giving up.

✨Make a list of things to do when you are bored, so that you never find yourself sitting around thinking about things that really don’t matter to you. the good thing about being busy is that you don't have time to waste on things that are unimportant. Focus on the things that keep you happy and productive. This list can include going for a walk, spending time with someone you love, reading a book on your reading list, researching that topic you wanted to the other day but didn't have a chance to explore, or tidying up your personal space.

The Role of Relationships in Happiness and Well-Being

There was something interesting that I read over Shabbat while reading Positive Psychology by Bridget Grenville-Cleave.

According to longitudinal research published in the British Medical Journal, moods and behaviors are contagious and people’s happiness depends on the happiness of those with whom they are connected. It’s pretty interesting, because even a friend who lives within a mile and becomes happier increases the probability that you will also be happier by 25%.

In the 1980s, the UK psychologist Michael Argyle’s work suggested that relationships were one of the most influential factors for human well-being. More recent positive psychology models of human well-being continue to stress the significance of relationships to our happiness.

In a world filled with so many distractions, it’s easier than ever to miss out on true quality time.

Several years ago, I took a course on the psychology of happiness that was led by Harvard professor Tal Ben Shahar (an Israeli, which made me even more excited to take the course😅). 

In a recent interview, he said that, “the number one predictor of happiness is the time we spend with people we care about and care about us. The most important source of happiness may be the person sitting next to you. Appreciate them, and savor the time you spent together.”

To learn more, visit the link in my bio and view my favorite resources here. 

The Most Important Step I Have Ever Taken

 📚I am currently reading "No Excuses!" by Brian Tracy, a world-renown motivational speaker, and self-development author. He discusses several ways to become more disciplined in order to ultimately reach your dreams and goals.

Write out a list of things you want to achieve within the next year, 5 years, and 10 years... whatever you want.

✨Then under each goal, write out 1, 2, or more actions you need to take to achieve that goal. 

📝Along with this list, write out a list of character traits you want to possess. If you were to be 100% happy with yourself, what characteristics would you have? If you were to envision the best version of yourself, how would you and others describe you?

💡Then decide that you are willing to work hard for these things. Decide that you are going to put in an active effort to make these goals and dreams a reality. Decide that you are going to view your goals and dreams as actual plans.

And remember this: Dreams don't work unless you do and happiness comes when your life aligns with your blueprint.

Download my personal development workbook for more personal assistance! It will walk you through 30 days of staying on track with your goals!

Living as the Highest Versions of Ourselves

Well, it's been 3 months since I've written a blog post. That's how I know I've been truly busy. 

There are so many experiences I've had in such a short period of time. Where to begin?

So much I have learned- things I have realized, accepted, changed, applied to my life, let go of...

I want to share one realization/experience. 

The other week, I experienced a moment of intense truth. Perhaps an epiphany. Not quite sure. 

I was exhausted.
Exhausted from all the noise. Noise from thoughts playing over and over in my head, focusing on external things, social media, other people, trying to figure out if I'm doing well, trying to find myself in various settings of my life that are all so contrasting. I feel like 3 different people. I can't be the same person in all the settings in which I exist. Or at least I don't know how to be. That's something I'm still trying to figure out. 

Through all the chaos, I lost my clarity. 

I couldn't hear myself trying to pipe through all the static that was everything around me. 

As I took a moment to say Maariv (evening prayer), I paused to share some of my thoughts with G-d. Except I couldn't find words. And even if I could, I didn't want to speak them. Because words couldn't express what I was feeling. 

I felt stuck. 

And what I suddenly thought to myself was: I want to find myself. 

Not find myself in what I do or how I spend my time, my career, job, friends or religion. 

No. I wanted to find who I am at my core. 

So I got very quiet and let everything else go. I let go of what I was feeling on the outside, who I was with, where I was before, and where I was going afterward. 

I suddenly found myself so in tune with the reality of who I really am- my true desires, goals, and aspirations... my clarity, internal compass... the voice that had been trying so hard to be heard. 

My energy healer once told me that the voice we need to listen to is often the one that is quieter. 

I was finally able to hear that voice. 

I knew it was that voice because for the first time in a long time I felt free. I felt happy and grateful. Even things that had upset me... I was just so grateful they happened because I understood they helped me to grow. I suddenly felt full. Full of joy, pride, and happiness. What had been pain suddenly became inspirational. What had been sadness suddenly became happiness. I felt honesty, forgiveness, truth, and self-love. 

I was so happy, I began to cry. I just thought, "Oh my gosh, this is what I have been looking and waiting for. This is the truth. This is where I want to stay." 

I cried mostly because I realized just how much I truly loved that person. 

Just how truly I loved myself. 

When I was finally able to reach and meet her... and be her for a moment, I wanted to continue to exist as her. Rather than existing as a version of myself molded by falsity. Rather than exiting as the version who needed to fit into other people's definitions of "normal" or "acceptable."

As I came back to grounding myself to where I was in that moment- surrounded by other people and not in the right environment to cry hysterically (and either way how could I explain all this to someone who could've asked me why I was seemingly upset)- I had to disconnect myself from that highest version of myself. 

At that moment, I couldn't embrace her without being emotional. 

But I was so happy to know that she would be there (just as she had been there all along), for when I could reconnect and grow closer and closer to her until I would be her. 

That brought me to today. I saw a journal prompt that asked: how can I love myself even deeper?

And my response came to me suddenly: I can love myself more deeply by genuinely embracing who and what I am by turning inwards to inquire what my true and highest self would do, how she would react, what she would say and choose... because I love who I truly am and I can actively continue to love myself by embracing life (with its loves and losses) through her. If I am the highest version of myself who I love, how could I not love myself?  If anything, I will love myself more than I ever have. 

As the highest version of myself, I will not chase. I will attract. I will be kind, giving, understanding, and genuine. I will follow my own lead, instead of following another's. I will do what is right for me, instead of seeking direction and guidance from others who cannot offer it to me. I will live by truth and clarity. 

Every choice will be made by me as the highest version of myself. 

I want this, not that. 

This is right for me. That is not right for me. 

This person belongs in my life. That person does not belong in my life. 

I embrace this. I let go of that. 

These thoughts serve me. Those thoughts are being released from my mind's soundtrack. 

Be still. Be quiet. Disconnect to reconnect. 

It may take more than one try. 

But sooner or later, you will meet yourself and it will be evident. 

Your truth will be self-evident. 

Let Go Let God

Earlier this week I had an opportunity to attend another amazing @NeveYerushalaim class. We discussed making decisions and dealing with fear of the unknown. 

If nothing is pulling us towards one choice or the other… how are we to know which direction to take? 

The thing though is that we aren’t always meant or expected to know. 

After all, we do not have the ability to know the future or the outcome of everything. 

If something is out of your control or out of range of the tools with which humans are gifted (which does not include telling the future), then it’s not your issue to oversee the outcome. Only to make the best choice possible considering what you know and are capable of in that moment. 

“Let go and let G-d.” 

Funny enough, I first heard this line years ago on the Oprah show. I don’t remember who the guest speaker was and it was kind of random because I didn’t really watching Oprah all that much. But it resonated.

We might think this is limiting. I used to think that it was just making excuses for ourselves. But the more we experience, the more we realize how many things just aren’t up to us. This isn’t about giving up. This is about creating healthy boundaries for ourselves. Not driving ourselves into the ground or living in fear. It’s about facing reality in the most practical way, actually.

We can try our best to stay healthy, but we can’t change our genetics which happen to have a major impact on if we get sick or develop a certain condition. We can work out night and day but our bodies will only change so much depending on how they’re built. We can study as hard as we want, but if we aren’t born geniuses we most likely won’t become that no matter how much we pour ourselves over books. And there is absolutely no way that we will ever be able to know which decisions to make with 100% certainty every time. 

But then again that’s not why we are here… to know everything and have all the answers. Then life wouldn’t be… life. 

And if you do make the wrong decision (which we are all bound to make), then trust that that too will lead you to where you are meant to be. 

The Limits of Self Help

I am currently reading “Morality” by the late leading philosopher, theologian and intellectual Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks.  

Sacks posits that the rise in public discourse, identity politics and extremism that have deepened social divisions, the breaking of close family ties, and the seemingly all-pervading influence of social media are due to our loss of a strong, shared moral code and our elevation of self interest over the common good. 
I am only on the second chapter but there are already a multitude of points that he has made that have provided a new and refreshing perspective for me. One of the topics he discusses is that of self help.

Sacks recalled a near-death experience he had several years prior when he almost drowned while vacationing in Italy. He realized at a certain point that he wouldn’t be able to get out of the water alone because it had become too strong for him, and even considered that it might be the end for him. If not for a total stranger, he wouldn’t have made it that day. In that moment, “self help” was a means to only the ultimate end. 

This is obviously an extreme example, but a fair one to make his point:
“If I look back at my life, I discovered that it was always someone else who sent me on a new trajectory. I suspect the same is true for most people. Someone who was there when we needed it, who listened as we poured out our problems, who gave us the encouraging word when we were about to give up, who believed in us more than we believe in ourselves. Or maybe it was actually someone who looked us in the eye and told us the honest truth: that we were self obsessed, that we were wallowing in our motions, that instead of thinking about how to develop the mindset to achieve great things, we should stop reading and start doing. Help, I have found time and time again, comes not from the self, but from others.”

My journey has fostered a strong desire within me to delve into personal development and conditioning. I used to think that I had to do everything myself (and that it had to be hard), but one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that some of the greatest teachers are simply the people around us. And that it is absolutely imperative that I engage myself in the process of learning from those around me. My main example (which I didn’t realize until recently) is my sister, from whom I learned even the most basic skills. I write a lot about anxiety, and social anxiety in particular was something I really struggled with as a kid and teenager. I literally did not know how to be social. I didn’t know how to conduct myself without feeling painfully awkward and uncomfortable. I was able to develop my social skills by studying my sister’s social skills (she was always the social butterfly). So much so that at a certain point people would tell me I had her mannerisms. 

Point is that all of the self help books and google searches in the world couldn’t help me the way that my sister could (and I don’t think she ever even knew it). At a certain point we have to realize that self help is a wonderful tool, but we need more. 

I will close this by bringing this full circle with my previous point about the breaking of personal ties and the increase in public discourse… how much more so can we close this divide if we simply learn to learn from each other. 

There Is No Room to Be Angry About the Struggle

 “As long as you are alive, you are going to experience struggle- and that is okay. Reward yourself for your victories and be honest about your failings. But there is no room to be angry about the struggle itself; that’s how it is meant to be.”

When I read this excerpt in “What Would You Do If You Weren’t Afraid” by Michal Oshman, who is the head of culture at TikTok Europe and former leadership expert at Facebook, I felt very impacted by it. 

Just like many others, anxiety has always been a majorly present factor in my life. In particular, I have always felt the need to control and understand everything. And if I couldn’t… fear and panic would take over. Over time, I learned to manage and cope. However, I couldn’t truly just let go of needing control over what and how things happen.

There have been several major “aha” moments in my life, and this was one of them. It was one of those moments where all of a sudden so many things made sense, and I couldn’t have come to this understanding and conclusion if not for all of the things that I experienced that I previously could not understand why I had to struggle through them. What a paradox! 

All of a sudden so many things I was constantly questioning their necessity and why they had to happen…. were actually exactly what I needed to come to learn this major lesson in my life that seems to be the key to my understanding it all. In a sense, the answers I have been seeking were hidden within the chaos and confusion itself.

I am even going to be so bold as to claim that the answers ARE the chaos and confusion. How?

Because they are exactly what we need and are meant to experience. Instead of questioning why we go through certain things, we should look at occurrences- both the good and the bad- as direction regarding where we can and need to grow in life… which is what life is all about- constantly evolving. 

What I need to learn and grow through are completely different from others, and vice versa. Which is another reason why comparison to others makes actual zero sense. 

💡The answers are within the questions themselves. You just have to get to that point where you can be a vessel to understand the truth. Meaning, you absolutely must work through the chaos to even be able to understand that which you desire to understand. I have always heard that “things are how they are meant to be” but it sounded so cliche to me. Even though I believe in G-d and that things happen for a reason and everyone has a purpose and particular mission…. I didn’t really internalize  and conceptualize what that meant…. until this moment. 

👉🏻 It’s true that things don’t happen to you, they happen for you. For a very long time I had been trying to internalize this message and live by it, but I couldn’t. It didn’t really make sense to me though I felt like it should. But when you can internalize that things are as they are meant to be and so there is really no need to dread or fight the struggle, you can understand that if that is true…. then it only makes sense that everything really does happen for you and not to you because things are supposed to be that certain way (often times for reasons we won’t understand and that’s okay). If xyz are supposed to be part of your life, it’s good that they’re there. Which leads me to my next point. 

🗣 Everything in our lives is here to teach us a lesson, help us grow, and make us who we are supposed to be. I believe I have my particular strengths because I am meant to play a certain role and complete a particular mission in this world. So too for everyone else. 

It’s so simple and undeniably true. 

But not until you can get to the point of understanding it.

And the only way to get there is to work through your own personal struggles and fears and shortcomings (though it sometimes sucks 😢). 

Even when things seem to be complicated, they’re not. They’re simply what they are and we just need to understand that things are meant to be a certain way… and so they will be… and that’s okay. That’s part of our journey. 

Which also made me realize how much I’ve overcomplicated things, though then again I am only human after all 🤷🏻‍♀️. 

And if that’s the case, then the final conclusion is that we are to give up trying to have full control while focusing on what we can change, find the lessons within the struggles so as to learn and grow from them, and simply enjoy life for everything it is and isn’t meant to be. 

There’s nothing to argue or hate or be angry about. 

It quite simply is. 

And there is so much undeniable peace in that. 

———————————

I will conclude this by sharing the serenity prayer, with which I am absolutely obsessed: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Question Your Thoughts // The Work by Byron Katie

Is this thought true? 

Can I know for sure that it’s true? 

Who would I be without this thought? 💭

Questioning our thoughts, especially when they’re negative, is so important. 

It also helps us to notice what bothers us and, on the other hand, what makes us happy. We learn more about ourselves in the process of questioning. 

Because at the end of the day our thoughts don’t define us. It’s how we react to them and what we do with them. 

To learn more about questioning your thoughts and working with them, visit thework.com for resources. Link in bio. 

Dry Brushing

Something I’ve incorporated into my routine and that I recommend to people whenever they ask me for any additional ways to get a skincare boost. Not an expert but I’m that person who does her research on any additional health benefits people can get from alternative sources. So here are some reasons why you might want to give it a try:

🌸The mechanical action of dry brushing  exfoliates dry winter skin. 

🌸Helps detoxify the body by increasing blood circulation and promoting lymph flow/drainage. Start from your ankles and brush upward toward your heart. Then from your wrists also towards your heart. Perform about 5 strokes on each part you’re brushing. 

🌸Unclogs pores. Some report smoother skin. I like to use my dry brush with with a body scrub because the beads allow for stronger exfoliation and removal of dead skin. 

🌸Stimulates your nervous system, which can make you feel invigorated afterward. One of my favorite benefits. 

🚿Perform on dry skin before you shower. Brushing the skin while it is dry allows you to exfoliate and increase blood circulation without removing moisture, since hot water can do that. Apply lotion after your shower.