The World Is But A Reflection

I recently recalled an experience I had one day before Covid that taught me a lesson in an interesting way. I had come early to my school campus to get some work done. At some point during my studying I found myself looking out the window, spacing out and wondering if the whole doctorate path was worth it for me. At the time I really wasn’t so sure about it and kind of even felt it was becoming a burden of an expectation that I had on myself. 

I noticed that the building across the street constantly had a ton of people entering and leaving. From what I could see they were wearing suits and carrying suitcases, and so I figured it was probably the law school. I then started to think about how much it must suck to have to walk around in a suit all day and come in so early and deal with all those cases. They looked like robots, so ordered and timely and rigid. For a moment I visualized them sitting with a pile of papers at their desks or sitting in on a court case. I imagined how unhappy they all must be, thinking they are striving for what they THINK will make them happy (as if they had to be made happy) to be so willing to spend their time- their lives- in that way. (As if I knew what it was even all about... clearly I was making false assumptions and conclusions in my mind without any context whatsoever). 

As time went on I started to realize that I was only thinking that way because I was reflecting what I saw and making conclusions based off of my own feelings at that time. There I was also coming in early to do work, wearing scrubs, and spending my energy doing something challenging and HARD.

But then I realized that it didn’t have to be hard like that. Not if I enjoyed it and found it to be rewarding. If I was going to look at this choice the way I was, then it would just make me unhappy and everyone else around me according to me would also be unhappy. 

Many times what we see in others is what is going on in ourselves. I had heard of this idea before but never actually understood it.

Those people might love what they do and not even mind the suits, just as despite it being challenging I know today that I love what I do and am proud to wear scrubs (and one day a white coat 😊). I’ve come to find that purpose and passion in it for myself (those that started me on this journey in the first place), and the rewarding feeling being able to walk this path. It took me time to get to that point, and I knew that if I didn’t I’d have to make a switch real fast. It was like an epiphany that lasted 2 minutes but felt like an hour long.

Many times we don’t give our thoughts and feelings enough attention. We don’t sit with them and study them and ask why we think or feel something. And I actually think that being able to do just that can lead us towards our personal truth and path. 🔐 

Medical Experience in Israel!!

Spent the day shadowing a physician (the only one in Israel with his exact specialty... and eventually mine✌🏻) in Israel’s largest hospital🏥! Gynecology with a focus on complementary and integrative functional medicine💉🌱! Also will be seeing the cosmetic medical practice. Literally my dream😍. Future Women’s Health and Aesthetics Nurse Practitioner right here👩🏼‍⚕️! Can’t wait to start this career (in the U.S. of course)🤗. 

Also may I add that this entire experience was carried out in Russian and Hebrew only? If this isn’t making me “culturally competent” enough (all we ever spoke about in nursing school, and again thank G-d that’s long gone🙌🏻), then I don’t know what will😉.

Two things that I have learned from this experience, besides for all the medical stuff:

1. When you leave your comfort zone and make an effort to move towards self improvement, the universe (or from my view, G-d) will bring you good things. Everything I want to practice in my future nursing career- I found the right people here to expose me to these topics. Could not have ever dreamed or even planned for this better than it played out. 

2. Leave it to Israelis to provide gourmet hospital food. Literally felt like I was in a restaurant. Have never seen such hospital food ever before. American hospitals, y’all need to step up your game.

ר‎בית חולים שיבא-תל השומ

Bye College/Nursing School!!

My friends keep asking me how it feels to be officially done with college (finished my very last exam today😊). I knew this would be an incredible feeling, but never thought I would describe it as feeling as though I have come full circle. I took the opportunity to walk around the city a bit after and realized just how close my childhood memories are from campus (just down the street to be exact). I literally grew up in this town, yet I had forgotten that. I was so clueless that looking at old photos, I had not realized we had taken pictures in front of the very buildings I took pictures of today. As a kid, this place had a different meaning. Now, it means so much more. When I first started here, I never thought I would feel this way in the end- yet there is no other way I would want to feel and for this I am grateful. #grad👩‍🎓 #fullcircle#thenandnow

One Simple Rule to Have a Good Day

If there is any one thing that I have majorly incorporated into my life... it would have to be this.

Before I started doing this on a regular basis, I would allow anxiety and fear to take over. I would get nervous about this or that and focus solely on my negative emotions. Or, I would focus on not focusing on my negative emotions... and that only made matters worse.

I know you have heard about this before... it's basic and simple...

Yet not many of us actually use this simple technique.

It goes like this:

Feel fear or anxiety or nerves kicking in --> repeatedly tell yourself it will be a good day and that things will be alright --> have a good day and things turn out alright.

Yup, that's it. I know, right? Duh.

The other day I was running late for work. I woke up at 6 am as opposed to the planned 5:15 am. I left the house 15 minutes late. I was nervous about possibly being late (I wasn't. I actually clocked in at the exact right time!) and frustrated with myself for going to bed late even though I knew I would have a hard time getting up the next day. For literally the first 15 minutes of my car ride, I kept repeating to myself that it was going to be a good, phenomenal, spectacular (all the synonyms)... day.

And every time a negative thought would seep into my mind, I would repeat that it was going to be a wonderful day.

When I (quickly) walked into work and felt a pang of anxiety (I hate rushing in general), I blocked out that negative thought by not giving it any of my energy. Instead, I put my energy into thinking positive thoughts that would help me rather than hinder me.

I also have come to realize that when I think positively, even in my head, negative situations seem better than they would have otherwise (if I allowed my negative thoughts to take driver's seat). Everything in general just seems a lot better during the day and during the stumbling blocks that I may experience throughout the day.

So next time you have a negative thought or feeling repeatedly knocking on your door, remember to target your energy towards positive thoughts... because you will attract positivity into your life and into your day.

Oh... and smile. It helps a lot too:)

When You "Like, Start Realizing Stuff"

Everybody made fun of Kylie Jenner for saying that 2016 would be the year of realizing stuff (I have to throw in an LOL here because it really was hilarious).

Although it did sound silly and people are realizing things all the time... and I guess specifically 2016 could've been the year, though I think (and many people would agree) that this year has been rather confusing in many ways.

Anyhow...

This post is about realizing things....
but on a deeper level.

If you read my last post, then you've been updated on my major life change (though the major life change isn't really the important part).

The important point for me to make is what I now know- how I went from being so confused, lost, and thinking that one of the best things that had ever happened to me had slipped right out of my hands - to living out a dream of mine and being given a wonderful opportunity. The important point for me to make is realizing that seemingly bad things at times occur in order for better things to take their place.

Have you ever thought about your life and the things that happen to you, as a story? Just how in movies and books, the little events (the minor mentioning of a seemingly random person or something or other) lead to major occurrences. When watching and reading movies and books, you know that the plot starts and ends somewhere and that there is a purpose and a mission and that everything leads to something major. However, during our lifetimes we are unaware of where things are going. It's not like there is a synopsis we can read over. We are not given a choice to pick which life we would like to live.
------ -------- -------- -------- ---------
I wrote the previous several paragraphs several days ago. I had a mental block when trying to finish it- probably because I was trying to cope with an almost 24-hour journey to Israel. I am now here in Israel on a learning program. We discuss religious topics, but also focus a lot on self-growth and life in general. My tutor and I began to discuss faith.

Now, this isn't really about faith. This is more about patience. This is about letting the universe finish its sentences. What do I mean by this?

How many times have you drawn conclusions or freaked out over an occurrence or situation in your life? Something didn't go your way, or something negative happened. We naturally begin to think things are falling apart, I am not going to be happy, this is bad, this can't be good . . .

So some time goes by and something else happens and you realize that that something you were upset over, needed to happen for a reason. If not for that occurrence, X wouldn't have occurred and this X has changed your life for the better.

It has always been a dream of mine to record my music and have it produced. I always imagined I would somehow bump into somebody (in a coffee shop or mall) who could help me do this. I know this is strange. All I knew was that that would (probably) be the only way this dream of mine would come true. I usually have very vivid scenarios play over and over in my head- extremely random and illogical. It's really weird- all I can think to myself is that I am being ridiculous, but then say to myself that I have no idea where those thoughts come from so it's not my fault I'm being ridiculous. I truly am extremely logical. I don't allow my emotions to guide my decision, but rather try to ignore them because I hate having to deal with them. I base my decisions off of logic. If something makes sense to me, I'll choose it and won't allow my emotions to sway me from doing the logical thing.

So I had to switch schools and I was heartbroken- leaving my best friends and the place where I had become the person I had always wanted to be. I had grown so much and was so happy there. I couldn't understand how it could ever turn out for my betterment. And then things got even harder. My school had assigned me Saturday/Sunday clinical dates even though I had told them Saturday I observe the Sabbath and to please give me a religious consideration. Saturday was also the only day I could go to my old school to spend the Sabbath with my friends, and so this meant that I would lose the opportunities to do that. I was so upset the night I found out, I couldn't even focus on my work. I couldn't get myself to do anything.

Long story short- My mother recommended I go to Starbucks with her that afternoon- to get my mind off of things for a bit. It was almost closing time, but there was one other group of people there and they for some reason decided to sit right next to us. These people ended up being the family members of the manager of an up and coming singer. I asked them if I could maybe send some of my songs, and they got me in touch with the manager. Nothing major has happened and nothing more probably will. But in the process of trying to figure out what exactly to send this manager, my best friend referred me to one of her good friends who produces music.

The really crazy part though is that my concern had always been how producing my music would fit in with the rest of my life- school, being with my family . . .
But both the manager and producer are right in my town. And they were around the whole time- I had gone to high school with the producer and the manager lives right down the street from the high school. I didn't have to move or make any major life change that would conflict with my life . . . on the other hand, I had to stay- to be at home. If I was at my old school, I wouldn't have been living at home (would've been up north) and so wouldn't have been able to record my music. I probably would've never met the manager, and if not for meeting the manager I would've never had the issue of needing to get my music professionally recorded and so would've never been referred to the producer (who I have now become friends with)!

But none of this is the point.
I was freaking out. I was so upset about this life change. And although I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and ultimately is for the best (and deep down inside believed this was the case for this occurrence), I was uninspired by it all. I didn't want to deal with it and didn't trust G-d's plan (which of course is better than mine, at least I believe).

I didn't let G-d finish His sentence. "Your life is going to change"... and I start freaking out.... "and something you've been waiting for will happen for you."

This is not a goal... this is a mindset. 
Change your mindset.

By the way, there were several other things that happened that showed me why I had to switch. I had to come to this new school for several reasons- some of which I now know. Although things have changed drastically, I now realize that I was ready for it. I didn't want to let go because I just didn't want things to change and have to deal with it. But then what good would that be if things had not changed? I wouldn't have had much room for growth- which I have been able to do more of. Previously Sabbath was a lot easier to keep because I was always surrounded by my friends. Not being able to keep the Sabbath with them- and having to do it by myself- strengthened my connection to it all because it became hard. I started keeping the Sabbath because I knew it was the right thing to do, more so than because it was the normal thing to do (all of my friends were keeping it too). And so this way I have learned a lot about myself and what it all means to me on a more personal level. I have experienced a tremendous amount of personal growth. After the two years of being satisfied with where I was, G-d was telling me it was time to grow some more. Comfort is not what we should aim for, but rather we should strive for constant growth. 

I've said a lot here.
Grow from what I have shared. Apply it to your own life.
Good luck.

The Girl From Italy

Have you ever seen or met somebody and instantly (for no particular reason) felt a deep desire to know more about them? Simple things like what their hobbies are, what music they listen to, why they always sit a certain way, their fears, how many siblings they have . . .

And sometimes you form your own conclusions about that person (maybe because you assume that you will simply never know the answers to those questions, or because you feel that must be the case for that person) based on the (very) little you know about him or her.

I don't often experience this, but when I do --> I get really curious.

This past semester I was taking a writing course called Research in the Disciplines: Exploring Asia. My class had only 10 students including myself. This was one of those classes where every single person-

EVERY.
Including the teacher . . .
Was interesting.

Not in a weird way.
Just . . . interesting.

But this has nothing to do with the point I am trying to get to . . .

There was one girl in particular who for some reason sparked my curiosity. It was her quiet nature- the kind that hinted intellect. It always seemed to me like she was somehow ahead of the game, understanding and noticing things about the world and life that everybody else couldn't grasp- and she couldn't understand why she was the only one able to comprehend seemingly simple things. But it wasn't in a cocky way- it was more so in a disappointed manner as if waiting for somebody to see what she sees.

She intimidated me.
A lot.
And I hated it.

Not simply because I hate feeling intimidated (who does?), but rather because that view of her made me consider that maybe there was indeed something I was missing. I felt intimidated by the fact that she was so much wiser than me (this was all in my head. All I knew about her was that she was majoring in Chinese. She could've been the biggest idiot and how would I know?) and that I couldn't see what she saw.

The only interactions we had were me passing the sign-in sheet to her, for which she would turn her head slightly (she sat directly in front of me) and proofreading each other's papers. She would write her comments on my paper in a very neat and small print. She used the word "perhaps" a lot and I decided to start using that word more often (it makes one sound proper and smart).

Oh, and I couldn't pronounce her first name. Her last name clearly was Italian though.
Cool beans.
Still not the point.

My assumption that she was very smart, was verified by my reading her papers- they were always well-written. This increased my intimidation. Not the point though.

Throughout the majority of the semester, my view of her was such: she was much too smart and mature for the average person. She was nice and friendly, simple and straightforward. She had set viewpoints and equally intellectual friends. Not the type of girl I would be friends with though (I am much too quirky and probably on a drastically different emotional wavelength than her- I am a spaz while she just would (just simply would) do things properly the first time and wonder why other people can't just get their act together).

Last week, on one of the last days of class- we had to get into pairs of two to discuss our presentations for our papers. Through facial expression, she asked if I wanted to work with her and I responded in the same manner.

She sat down next to me and asked with wide eyes, "do you know how you're presenting your paper? She (the teacher) makes it sound as if it's so simple, but it's not," she continued. "I'm not good at public speaking."

It was interesting to me that she would reveal her weakness. I had created her personality so much in my head. I knew I needed to stop doing this.

As we finished our discussion and she shifted her body away from me, I wanted to continue the conversation.

I don't remember exactly what I said, but we ended up getting to the topic of school almost being over. She was so excited, it was almost as if she was a different person. She never showed emotions like that before.

I learned so much about her in the next several minutes during our conversation. She was talking so much.

She was only a junior but was graduating a year early. She was in the middle of applying to graduate programs. She was so excited to go home . . . she spent her past two summers working in New York while living on campus . . . she hadn't been home in three years . . .

She was from  . . .

Italy.

"I'm sorry- what? You're from Italy did you say?" I asked confused. "As in, like, you were born and raised there? As in, you were in the states for just three years and your real life (family and home) are in Italy?"

This hit me hard and I couldn't understand why.
I was so enthralled by the fact she was from Italy- a different world I know nothing about- that I actually continued to sit in my seat after class and everyone else had left, and sort of just thought about it- about the fact that her life is so different from mine, her childhood was so different, the place she calls home, the culture she was raised in . . .

And I began to think about all the ways she must view life, people, and basically everything differently than how I view those things. I began to think about how in several weeks she will return to Italy and I will remain in New Jersey. I began to think about everything she mentioned in those past several minutes- how in Italy families eat dinner together always, how she feels guilty when not eating dinner with her family, specifically on Sunday nights . . . and I began to think about all the things that I truly must not know and understand that she knows and understands because she lives in Italy. Maybe there are many things that the culture there does right, that the people do correctly, that I am missing out on because my American life and culture do not care for those things that maybe they should . . .

I came back to my dorm room in a haze, still enwrapped in this idea. I told my roommate about these thoughts- and even the next day to my other best friend. I was obsessed with the idea of actually looking up different cultural practices in different countries, and trying them out- just to see what I was missing (or if I was missing anything at all). Maybe those practices and perspectives and beliefs of other places, resulting in a better quality of life.

So this is what I have decided to do.

 . . .

Maybe it seems that it was pointless for me to go through the details of my encounter with the girl from Italy, but if not for that 3-month long thought process, I do not think I would've come to such a major realization (or at least felt the same way about it).

She will never know the effect that she has had on me (and will continue to have). I do not think I will ever forget her. I will be 70 years old and wonder what happened to the girl from Italy.

The Secret to Balancing Your Crazy Life

Stop driving yourself crazy by constantly thinking about all the things you have to do.

There.

You've probably heard this before, but as a recovering control freak, I can assure you- this is it.

Please read on- I can prove this to you!

If you are wondering what I mean- I mean exactly what I said (or wrote, in this case).
Stop driving yourself crazy by constantly thinking about all the things you have to do. 

Right now you are in class, at work, driving, etc . . .

Chill.

I learned this a couple of weeks ago when I was so stressed that the only option I had was to tell myself that I would get to those things when I would get to those things. Instead of stressing the whole weekend while at home, about school-related matters, I simply let all of those stress-inducing thoughts go.

Let me explain to you further. After understanding my situation, I don't think that you will feel the need to question whether this method is valid.

School gives me the most anxiety/stress out of all the facets that comprise my life. So much so, that I would spend vast amounts of time planning my week. I would schedule every minute of every day, numbering what I planned to get done first, second . . . (Realize just how absurd this was- I would both write down the times I would be working on each task, and then number them. Why number each task if they are already organized by time of day?)

I would waste so much time doing this, that I could've gotten a single task done in that amount of time.

I finally came to the realization that this was anxiety infiltrating my life.
Planning your day is one thing. Giving each task a set start and end time (knowing that you most probably won't end up doing those things according to those times), on top of numbering each task and getting OCD about even naming each task- that's not normal.

A lot of times when one overcomes anxiety (this is referring to people who have some serious form of anxiety and not just normal anxiety about stress-inducing factors), that anxiety can infiltrate your life in another form. As a kid, I had to overcome a lot of anxiety (I write a lot more about this in my other blog posts, so I won't go into detail here). Now as an adult, I don't have that anxiety that I had before. I don't feel nervous on a regular basis.

However, I realized that that anxiety was developing itself in another form- obsessively planning. In the back of my mind, I knew that this approach to life was unhealthy and crazy, but I was afraid to stop because I felt that it gave me control. I believed that if I stopped meticulously planning everything I planned to do, that I would lose control of the path that I was building for myself. This makes sense- people with anxiety are afraid and want to feel some sort of control over what will happen to them. This was my way of "taking control," when in reality it was controlling me.

Going back to my realization, it was when I was on my way home from college when I didn't have my planner open in front of me. My nagging thoughts were giving me a headache, but at that moment there was nothing I could do about the upcoming assignment or the event I had been working on (which by the way was a while away, and I was still stressing about it).

And so I stopped thinking about all of it. I just let it go. I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing- had already started the assignment, answered emails pertaining to the event and already set the logistics of the event in place. And anything else that needed to get done, would get done when I would get around to it.

I have been using this tactic ever since. I started feeling the same anxiety before writing this post. Stat homework and assignment due Wednesday. I'm fine. I have so much time. I simply stopped thinking about it.

And the best thing about it is that when I let it go, the stress dissipates. It melts. Because you consciously make the decision that you are not doing whatever you are stressing about at the moment and that you will do it later. It might not get done at this exact second, but it will get done.

I don't think that I did this tactic justice with this blog post. Try it out for yourself. Just simply stop trying so hard to balance everything. You will get to it. Just stop nagging yourself.

The Secret to Getting Rid of Fear (and why you need to get rid of it NOW)

This is a quick post- something that I thought about the other day. I was thinking about my music and what I want to do with it.
However, every time I imagine myself performing in front of people, I get nervous and feel like there is no possible way that I will be able to overcome my fear of performing in front of a crowd.

Being that I was in the middle of studying and couldn't write a blog post right away, I wrote myself a little side note:

"Never be afraid
Just have confidence
Because when you screw up, nobody will know what you really have
Nobody will care"

I realized that if I don't just force myself to ignore my fear (I will post tips for this below) and won't act with confidence, I will never get anywhere with my music. Psht, I will never get anything done that makes me intimidated in the slightest bit.

If I don't have confidence when singing (or doing anything- apply this to your situation), then my voice will not come off as very strong and the quality of my music won't be all that great. Nobody will ever know what I'm actually capable of. I will never be able to give them my best. My real ability will go to waste because nobody will know about it BECAUSE I was too nervous while singing. And in the end, nobody will care because nobody will KNOW.

I don't want my possible success to be cut short because of fear.

I often think about the quote. "There is nothing to fear but fear itself"- Franklin Roosevelt

It is so true.
Unless of course, one is afraid of jumping off of a building or is afraid of petting a bear- that kind of fear is obviously good. Everything in moderation. I'm referring to the kind of fear that holds us back from achieving our dreams and from taking constructive risks, because in those cases we are missing out and possibly even losing great opportunities.

So I am telling you to ignore your fear that is holding you back from socializing, from joining that club, or from following your dream- because in the end either you go after it or you don't- and the outcome will affect nobody but you. Nobody will ever know.

And one or two or several failures will not stop you from being successful.
There have been so many times that success stories were first failure stories. Starbucks was denied from banks like 200 something times, J.K Rowling was turned down by multiple publishing companies before Harry Potter was even just considered, Usher turned down Justing Bieber's offer to sing for him the first time Justin met Usher, etc.

How to stop being afraid:
Ignore the negative thoughts, Just stop thinking them. This takes time and practice and determination and perseverance and will sometimes drive you crazy but you DONT. GIVE. UP!!!! (Meet the Robinsons reference!!)

Every time a negative thought starts creapin' up on you, you do your kung-fu-slash move on that crap (false language included for seriousness purposes) and move on with your life. Seriously though, sing a song or say a prayer or whatever and move on with your shit.

And that's it.

You just get rid of the negative thoughts and focus on what you need to do. Pretty soon, the negative thoughts go away . . . and without negative thoughts, we get good shit done.

So good luck with all of that and don't forget that at the end of the day- either it happens or it doesn't. It's your life- take it into your own hands.
Good luck!