The World Is But A Reflection

I recently recalled an experience I had one day before Covid that taught me a lesson in an interesting way. I had come early to my school campus to get some work done. At some point during my studying I found myself looking out the window, spacing out and wondering if the whole doctorate path was worth it for me. At the time I really wasn’t so sure about it and kind of even felt it was becoming a burden of an expectation that I had on myself. 

I noticed that the building across the street constantly had a ton of people entering and leaving. From what I could see they were wearing suits and carrying suitcases, and so I figured it was probably the law school. I then started to think about how much it must suck to have to walk around in a suit all day and come in so early and deal with all those cases. They looked like robots, so ordered and timely and rigid. For a moment I visualized them sitting with a pile of papers at their desks or sitting in on a court case. I imagined how unhappy they all must be, thinking they are striving for what they THINK will make them happy (as if they had to be made happy) to be so willing to spend their time- their lives- in that way. (As if I knew what it was even all about... clearly I was making false assumptions and conclusions in my mind without any context whatsoever). 

As time went on I started to realize that I was only thinking that way because I was reflecting what I saw and making conclusions based off of my own feelings at that time. There I was also coming in early to do work, wearing scrubs, and spending my energy doing something challenging and HARD.

But then I realized that it didn’t have to be hard like that. Not if I enjoyed it and found it to be rewarding. If I was going to look at this choice the way I was, then it would just make me unhappy and everyone else around me according to me would also be unhappy. 

Many times what we see in others is what is going on in ourselves. I had heard of this idea before but never actually understood it.

Those people might love what they do and not even mind the suits, just as despite it being challenging I know today that I love what I do and am proud to wear scrubs (and one day a white coat 😊). I’ve come to find that purpose and passion in it for myself (those that started me on this journey in the first place), and the rewarding feeling being able to walk this path. It took me time to get to that point, and I knew that if I didn’t I’d have to make a switch real fast. It was like an epiphany that lasted 2 minutes but felt like an hour long.

Many times we don’t give our thoughts and feelings enough attention. We don’t sit with them and study them and ask why we think or feel something. And I actually think that being able to do just that can lead us towards our personal truth and path. 🔐 

Medical Experience in Israel!!

Spent the day shadowing a physician (the only one in Israel with his exact specialty... and eventually mine✌🏻) in Israel’s largest hospital🏥! Gynecology with a focus on complementary and integrative functional medicine💉🌱! Also will be seeing the cosmetic medical practice. Literally my dream😍. Future Women’s Health and Aesthetics Nurse Practitioner right here👩🏼‍⚕️! Can’t wait to start this career (in the U.S. of course)🤗. 

Also may I add that this entire experience was carried out in Russian and Hebrew only? If this isn’t making me “culturally competent” enough (all we ever spoke about in nursing school, and again thank G-d that’s long gone🙌🏻), then I don’t know what will😉.

Two things that I have learned from this experience, besides for all the medical stuff:

1. When you leave your comfort zone and make an effort to move towards self improvement, the universe (or from my view, G-d) will bring you good things. Everything I want to practice in my future nursing career- I found the right people here to expose me to these topics. Could not have ever dreamed or even planned for this better than it played out. 

2. Leave it to Israelis to provide gourmet hospital food. Literally felt like I was in a restaurant. Have never seen such hospital food ever before. American hospitals, y’all need to step up your game.

ר‎בית חולים שיבא-תל השומ

Spring Break 2018

This spring break was magnificent. This was my last break ever while in college, and it was everything I wanted it to be.
I didn't open a book or my iPad. I didn't look at my calendar (for those of you who know me, you know how big of a deal this is for me) or think about anything school-related.
I actually did everything I wanted to do, and more.

I have chosen to write about my spring break experience for several reasons:

1. It's my very last break in college so it is somewhat sentimental for me. 
2. I am inspired by how wonderful my break was. 
3. There are so many memories that I want to share. 
4. So I can look back at this one day and relish in the happiness. 

My break started off with a nice weekend at home. It was my first weekend in five weeks being home. The weekends before I was going away for Shabbat with friends (while this is so much fun, I needed a break)! Every weekend I went away I was traveling at least an hour each way, so I really felt the need to stay home and relax with my family. The awesome thing was that everyone was home and the weather was perfect. Shabbat was super relaxing and I really appreciated not needing to think about the week up ahead. 

Saturday night, as soon as Shabbat ended, I went up to Rutgers University to see a Russian comedian! I got to see two of my friends that I haven't seen in almost a year! The last time I saw them both was on my birthday, last April! We had been planning to meet up for the longest time but never got until now. After the comedian, I went over to my best friend's house on campus and got to see some more friends who I had not seen the week before- but who I still really missed and couldn't wait to hang out with! It was like a mini reunion and it made me really happy!!!

The next day, Sunday, I went over to the library and got to hang out with some more friends! It is always nice going back to Rutgers because I spent two wonderful years there. I really found myself there with these people, and whenever I am there it is as if nothing has changed. I sat in the computer lab for the first time since I had left the school (little things like that matter to me).

After spending most of the day on campus, I went over to my grandparents' home. They live near campus, so it was really convenient. I got to spend some time with them, which was really nice! I will soon be sharing their stories on my blog! I spent the evening with them talking about their lives in Russia and their immigration stories! I got the idea to write about them a while ago. I think it is important to share our history and to be aware of the struggles those before us had faced. It makes us stronger and more aware of where we are coming from. Then we had dinner and I stayed overnight. The next day I went back home to spend Monday-Wednesday with the family. I took it easy.

Thursday I went to a wedding in Brooklyn with my family. It was a lot of fun and nice to be in New York. I love New York! I feel like I belong there. That night I stayed in Manhattan and the next day chilled out with my sister and her boyfriend. Then I went over to Jersey City to meet up with my friend Rosalyn for yet another Shabbaton! We ended up rooming with two other girls, and all four of us hit it off really well! We had SO much fun together! We spent Shabbat with a bunch of really nice and interesting people. The view from Shabbat dinner (we were on the 11th floor of a building in Jersey City which is right across Manhattan) was incredible. We could see the Statue of Liberty and skyline from where we were. We stayed in a building that used to house Russian Jewish immigrants before resettling them in the city, which was very interesting because it's part of my history (well, sort of, since my parents and grandparents were Russian Jewish immigrants).

Saturday night we got to spend the night in an Airbnb for free! The apartment was so nice and in the perfect location- a 5-minute walk from the train to New York, and right by a bunch of bars and clubs. We went out in Jersey City Saturday night before coming back at around 2am. The next day we went into Manhattan! We got some breakfast before going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for a private pre-Passover Tour.

There was a decent sized group of us, and we became friendly with the other people in the group- even planning another Shabbaton get-together! My sister came to meet up with me and we all went out for pizza together (even our tour guide)!

Afterward, we went into Brooklyn to meet up with some other people and got to see the best view of the city from the rooftop!!

Taking the Hard Way Out

Over the past several months, as I have been inching closer to my college graduation, there has been a lot to consider and to think about. 

One thing that I am really looking forward to, is possibly moving to the city where a lot of my friends live and where there is a younger scene. I have been giving this idea a lot of thought, and it brings me both a lot of excitement as well as fear. This will be the biggest step I will ever have taken.

Despite all of these fears and anxiety that comes along with taking this big step, I have still been strongly considering this move. Although I could easily just stay home where everything is provided for me and there are so many fewer things that I have to worry about, I would much rather do that which is more challenging. 

Why? 

Well, because taking the easy way out is never fun. You may be wondering what is fun about doing something that is hard. Well, my question for you is what is fun about doing something that is easy? It is during the challenging experiences when we really grow and develop as people. Doing what is easy and playing it safe rarely gives one what to be proud of.

I have also learned from experience that doing that which is hard, is oftentimes what usually brings me happiness and feelings of success. I think back to when I was struggling with shyness and social anxiety. I remember being afraid to talk to people or to ask a question in class. I realized that unless I would do that which I was afraid to do- I would continue to feel powerless, disappointed and simply unhappy. 

Later on, I would regret not having made those moves. I realized that the only way that I could feel good inside was to talk to people and ask questions in class. I realized that the more fear I had to do something, the happier I was when I did them. 

Even now I feel unhappy when I get anxious about things and allow my fear to take over. When I do that which brings me anxiety, I feel much more confident in myself and feel pride. If there is anything that I hate, it is losing an opportunity to make myself better. I am oftentimes very hard on myself and rebuke myself for not having said or done something which I had been afraid to do but knew was the right thing. We all have those moments. I think it is safe to say that I would always rather do that which brings me fear than later on feel that I did not do the right thing. Many times we fear what is right because the right decision is more challenging. 

And so you may be thinking to yourself, "taking the hard way out is not really taking a way out at all." However, I digress. 

When doing that which is harder, you are indeed taking the way out. You are taking the way out because it is what will benefit you in the long run. Doing that which is easy is cutting yourself short. Not that we should always search for things to be hard, but I’m just touching on the idea that the majority of things in life that will bring us pride and joy, will require us to overcome challenges and go out of our comfort zones. Doing that which is challenging conditions us to grow towards our goals and desires, which ultimately come with their own set of challenges. 

So I challenge you to do something you have been wanting to do which you haven't done because you were too afraid. I guarantee that you will feel so much better taking this hard way out into a world of self-fulfillment and internal happiness. 

Work Hard Play Hard

I was going to name this post-work hard play harder, but I don’t think I’m at the level to say that. First I gotta learn how to even play (and by that I mean I gotta learn how to chill). 

Why do I gotta learn how to chill? Because I’m sort of addicted to being busy. Yup, addicted. That’s right. Not just into being busy, but I actually can’t sit still for a moment... and I don’t think this is about ADHD... 

I can get myself to sit and study and focus for hours... I’m actually really good at that. But what I can’t do is just sit and not do anything at all. 

Even during school- I’m always multitasking whether it be working on an assignment while listening to a lecture or writing portions of blog posts while studying. Even during ten-minute class breaks, I right away look at all the things I need to get done and start working on one of them. Or I look at my phone- though even then I’ll be reading an article, catching up on emails, or looking up some sort of information. 

While I did write a blog post about why it is good to be busy (Why You Should Want to be Busy and Stay Busy), I have to share the other perspective too because I think I’ve come to learn that balance is key here (I mean it sounds obvious, but for a while, I’ve been in the "always be busy and productive mindset"). I just want to do and accomplish... but sometimes I don’t realize I’m not even doing much at all. A lot of times I’m just planning to do stuff- making lists about what I am going to do... I know, it’s weird. 

Thursday night I was trying to plan out my weekend and thought I would print out some notes for an upcoming exam to go over on Saturday (if you read my previous blog post then you know that I normally don’t do any work on Saturday). I stopped that thought and reconsidered- I have been working nonstop all week! Now, I am going to completely 100% relax. I am going to relax so much, that I will forget that I have an upcoming exam. And that’s not taking it too far because I know that I should give 100% to relaxation, just as I give 100% to my work. If I give my all when it comes to working, then why not provide myself the opportunity to give my all to relaxation.

Some people may falsely believe that always being productive will help in the long run. I used to think that... until I started focusing more on healthy living. One of my new goals is getting to a point where I look and feel my best- I want this to be a lifestyle (healthy eating, consistent exercise, and focusing on my wellbeing in a wholesome matter). Social media has helped a lot because it has allowed me to follow fitness gurus and other individuals who are focused on healthy lifestyles. I learned that a lot of what makes up well-being and health has to do with taking the time to do enjoyable and relaxing things. I always knew this is important, but did not realize just how important it is. 

This means getting a massage, going to the sauna, sitting in a jacuzzi, making time to play your favorite sport, get a facial even. I don’t think of these activities as just something nice to do, but rather as something that is vital to my wellbeing. Going all out to completely relax and enjoy yourself should be a priority, just as everything else is a priority. 

Life is all about balance, so make sure you create balance in the most important aspects of your life. Take that 1 hour out of your day (that's less than 1% of your day!!) to do something relaxing and stress-free!

Simple Rules to a Happy Life and Healthy Relationships

Be grateful
Be happy for others

Recognize your internal beauty
See the beauty within others

Go out of your comfort zone
Encourage others to reach their goals

Recognize your intrinsic value
Treat others like they are valuable

Respect yourself
Treat others with respect

Be able to accept help
Help others

Focus on what is truly meaningful to you
Help others find what is meaningful to them

Find and invest in true friendships
Be a true friend for others

Also, the quote I live by:

3 Things to Remember When Encountering New Struggles and Fears

These past two weeks have been filled with confusion... they have been a bit "fuzzy" (as I like to put it). I guess this all just has to do with being a senior in college and having to face the need to figure out the next step. Also, just trying to figure out exactly what I want to do and what I am willing to do in order to do those things... yeah. Many things that I want to do would require for me to really jump out of my comfort zone (something I thought I was really good at doing, and honestly can fairly say I usually am good at).

All of this, and also other stressful situations... have sort of caused me to lose my focus- trying to be the best person and grow internally. I don't know why, but I am always so in tune with my behavior and am so focused on a certain way of being.. and I get overwhelmed and frustrated when I fall out of line. No one is perfect and there are ALWAYS going to be these phases of needing to get yourself back on track.

I was just sitting in my room, feeling totally unmotivated and sluggish- when I decided to write a blog post. I was going to type something I wrote a month ago, but then I was looking over some notes and decided to write about this today because it applies to how I am currently feeling.

Whenever I think of something clever or hear interesting ideas... I always write them down. I know that I will be able to use whatever wisdom at some point in my life. I was looking through some notes I wrote and decided to focus on three major ideas when tackling these "fuzzy" phases in my life.

Define yourself by what you can control- your growth and decisions 
I often become overwhelmed by so many things that are out of my control. Everyone does. We get stressed about other people, different situations that we could or could not avoid, not getting what we feel we deserve or that we worked for... and then just a bunch of random daily little ridiculously insignificant moments.
The best way to stay focused through all of these aspects of life is to remember that you are defined not by what other people think of you or how they treat you... or by what happens to you or the cards you have been dealt... but rather, you are defined by how you treat others, how you respond to situations in your life, and the amount you grow as a person. These are all things you can control, and so are worthy of helping you determine how you are doing.
I got into an argument with someone the other day. The reason I got upset is that this person happens to be late for scheduled times even when I am adamant about her needing to be on time. I was upset about her being late yet again and so expressed my frustration to someone else. This said person who is often late was not supposed to see the message I sent to the other person, but she and now an argument has ensued. I thought: I am going to confront the annoying person who shared my message, and I will wait for an apology from the person who was initially the reason I was upset...
Though I do believe both of these people were wrong for acting the ways they did and that I do deserve an apology... I feel somewhat bad for what I said about said person even though nothing I said was a lie. Because even though someone else did something wrong and they probably deserved to have certain things said about them, it was I who acted in a manner that I a not proud of. I am unhappy about the way I reacted... and this is because I know however I respond to certain situations is in my control and my wrongdoing... not another's.
This is how I try to look at situations and how I respond to them... that I am defined by how I act, not someone else's actions.  I think that one of the reasons I have been feeling the way I do, is because I have been focusing on the wrong things. I need to concern myself with what I can control and decisions that I can make.

"Pride is concerned with who is right; humity is concerned with what is right."

The greatest skill in life is the ability to change 
With all new things flooding my way, I remind myself that change is not always bad. More importantly, the ability to change is of extreme importance. Even having a desire to change is necessary because change allows for us to grow and introduces excitement into our lives. I try to remember this concept when attempting to establish post-graduation plans. Should I stay home where I already have food in the fridge and everything being paid for (thanks mom and dad) or take the (exciting and scary) risk of moving closer to my friends and new opportunities in the city? I am strongly considering this move because I feel the need for change... however, actually changing is the hard part. Being able to do something different and not take the easy way out is an important skill. I have realized that I feel happier when I create change in myself or my environment. And so it is change that I am focusing on and not the absence of fear, when trying to decide what is the right thing to do and what will make me happy.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all."- Meg Cabot, The Princess Diaries 

We are all going to die anyway
It is sometimes scary to put yourself out there and try new things. You don't always know if you will fail or if other people will judge you negatively. You don't know if you will make a fool out of yourself. I think putting yourself out there is exciting, it makes you different than the average Joe Shmo, and that it honestly doesn't matter in the spectrum of things. I know this concept is a bit belittling, but come on. In all honesty (I mean, you know), we are all going to die one day and all that will remain in this world is our legacy. Also, no one will remember the embarrassing or akward things you did if they are dead. You won't remember either. And if there is anything they want to remember, it definitely won't be something negative about you. The concept of death makes us all vulnerable and somewhat on the same level at the end of the day. We are all people our own insecurities, fears and dreams... which some us will folllow and achieve while others won't. Who would you rather be?

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most improtant tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in my life. Almost everything- all external expectations, all pride, all fears of embarrassment or failure- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose."-  Steve Jobs

Well, that's all for today. I hope you were able to gain something from this post. Feel free to share your opinions and experiences.

One Simple Rule to Have a Good Day

If there is any one thing that I have majorly incorporated into my life... it would have to be this.

Before I started doing this on a regular basis, I would allow anxiety and fear to take over. I would get nervous about this or that and focus solely on my negative emotions. Or, I would focus on not focusing on my negative emotions... and that only made matters worse.

I know you have heard about this before... it's basic and simple...

Yet not many of us actually use this simple technique.

It goes like this:

Feel fear or anxiety or nerves kicking in --> repeatedly tell yourself it will be a good day and that things will be alright --> have a good day and things turn out alright.

Yup, that's it. I know, right? Duh.

The other day I was running late for work. I woke up at 6 am as opposed to the planned 5:15 am. I left the house 15 minutes late. I was nervous about possibly being late (I wasn't. I actually clocked in at the exact right time!) and frustrated with myself for going to bed late even though I knew I would have a hard time getting up the next day. For literally the first 15 minutes of my car ride, I kept repeating to myself that it was going to be a good, phenomenal, spectacular (all the synonyms)... day.

And every time a negative thought would seep into my mind, I would repeat that it was going to be a wonderful day.

When I (quickly) walked into work and felt a pang of anxiety (I hate rushing in general), I blocked out that negative thought by not giving it any of my energy. Instead, I put my energy into thinking positive thoughts that would help me rather than hinder me.

I also have come to realize that when I think positively, even in my head, negative situations seem better than they would have otherwise (if I allowed my negative thoughts to take driver's seat). Everything in general just seems a lot better during the day and during the stumbling blocks that I may experience throughout the day.

So next time you have a negative thought or feeling repeatedly knocking on your door, remember to target your energy towards positive thoughts... because you will attract positivity into your life and into your day.

Oh... and smile. It helps a lot too:)

When You "Like, Start Realizing Stuff"

Everybody made fun of Kylie Jenner for saying that 2016 would be the year of realizing stuff (I have to throw in an LOL here because it really was hilarious).

Although it did sound silly and people are realizing things all the time... and I guess specifically 2016 could've been the year, though I think (and many people would agree) that this year has been rather confusing in many ways.

Anyhow...

This post is about realizing things....
but on a deeper level.

If you read my last post, then you've been updated on my major life change (though the major life change isn't really the important part).

The important point for me to make is what I now know- how I went from being so confused, lost, and thinking that one of the best things that had ever happened to me had slipped right out of my hands - to living out a dream of mine and being given a wonderful opportunity. The important point for me to make is realizing that seemingly bad things at times occur in order for better things to take their place.

Have you ever thought about your life and the things that happen to you, as a story? Just how in movies and books, the little events (the minor mentioning of a seemingly random person or something or other) lead to major occurrences. When watching and reading movies and books, you know that the plot starts and ends somewhere and that there is a purpose and a mission and that everything leads to something major. However, during our lifetimes we are unaware of where things are going. It's not like there is a synopsis we can read over. We are not given a choice to pick which life we would like to live.
------ -------- -------- -------- ---------
I wrote the previous several paragraphs several days ago. I had a mental block when trying to finish it- probably because I was trying to cope with an almost 24-hour journey to Israel. I am now here in Israel on a learning program. We discuss religious topics, but also focus a lot on self-growth and life in general. My tutor and I began to discuss faith.

Now, this isn't really about faith. This is more about patience. This is about letting the universe finish its sentences. What do I mean by this?

How many times have you drawn conclusions or freaked out over an occurrence or situation in your life? Something didn't go your way, or something negative happened. We naturally begin to think things are falling apart, I am not going to be happy, this is bad, this can't be good . . .

So some time goes by and something else happens and you realize that that something you were upset over, needed to happen for a reason. If not for that occurrence, X wouldn't have occurred and this X has changed your life for the better.

It has always been a dream of mine to record my music and have it produced. I always imagined I would somehow bump into somebody (in a coffee shop or mall) who could help me do this. I know this is strange. All I knew was that that would (probably) be the only way this dream of mine would come true. I usually have very vivid scenarios play over and over in my head- extremely random and illogical. It's really weird- all I can think to myself is that I am being ridiculous, but then say to myself that I have no idea where those thoughts come from so it's not my fault I'm being ridiculous. I truly am extremely logical. I don't allow my emotions to guide my decision, but rather try to ignore them because I hate having to deal with them. I base my decisions off of logic. If something makes sense to me, I'll choose it and won't allow my emotions to sway me from doing the logical thing.

So I had to switch schools and I was heartbroken- leaving my best friends and the place where I had become the person I had always wanted to be. I had grown so much and was so happy there. I couldn't understand how it could ever turn out for my betterment. And then things got even harder. My school had assigned me Saturday/Sunday clinical dates even though I had told them Saturday I observe the Sabbath and to please give me a religious consideration. Saturday was also the only day I could go to my old school to spend the Sabbath with my friends, and so this meant that I would lose the opportunities to do that. I was so upset the night I found out, I couldn't even focus on my work. I couldn't get myself to do anything.

Long story short- My mother recommended I go to Starbucks with her that afternoon- to get my mind off of things for a bit. It was almost closing time, but there was one other group of people there and they for some reason decided to sit right next to us. These people ended up being the family members of the manager of an up and coming singer. I asked them if I could maybe send some of my songs, and they got me in touch with the manager. Nothing major has happened and nothing more probably will. But in the process of trying to figure out what exactly to send this manager, my best friend referred me to one of her good friends who produces music.

The really crazy part though is that my concern had always been how producing my music would fit in with the rest of my life- school, being with my family . . .
But both the manager and producer are right in my town. And they were around the whole time- I had gone to high school with the producer and the manager lives right down the street from the high school. I didn't have to move or make any major life change that would conflict with my life . . . on the other hand, I had to stay- to be at home. If I was at my old school, I wouldn't have been living at home (would've been up north) and so wouldn't have been able to record my music. I probably would've never met the manager, and if not for meeting the manager I would've never had the issue of needing to get my music professionally recorded and so would've never been referred to the producer (who I have now become friends with)!

But none of this is the point.
I was freaking out. I was so upset about this life change. And although I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and ultimately is for the best (and deep down inside believed this was the case for this occurrence), I was uninspired by it all. I didn't want to deal with it and didn't trust G-d's plan (which of course is better than mine, at least I believe).

I didn't let G-d finish His sentence. "Your life is going to change"... and I start freaking out.... "and something you've been waiting for will happen for you."

This is not a goal... this is a mindset. 
Change your mindset.

By the way, there were several other things that happened that showed me why I had to switch. I had to come to this new school for several reasons- some of which I now know. Although things have changed drastically, I now realize that I was ready for it. I didn't want to let go because I just didn't want things to change and have to deal with it. But then what good would that be if things had not changed? I wouldn't have had much room for growth- which I have been able to do more of. Previously Sabbath was a lot easier to keep because I was always surrounded by my friends. Not being able to keep the Sabbath with them- and having to do it by myself- strengthened my connection to it all because it became hard. I started keeping the Sabbath because I knew it was the right thing to do, more so than because it was the normal thing to do (all of my friends were keeping it too). And so this way I have learned a lot about myself and what it all means to me on a more personal level. I have experienced a tremendous amount of personal growth. After the two years of being satisfied with where I was, G-d was telling me it was time to grow some more. Comfort is not what we should aim for, but rather we should strive for constant growth. 

I've said a lot here.
Grow from what I have shared. Apply it to your own life.
Good luck.

Life is a TRAIN (On Dealing With Unwelcome Change)

Earlier today I related my life to the train I was riding.

Say what?

Yes, I know. Strange.

Let me back up a little bit and explain what that has to do with the title of this blog post.

The lead-up to my main point is somewhat long, but it is necessary in order to understand the emotions that have led to me to realize what I am sharing with you. My goal is not to share with you my life story and personal achievements, but rather to fully explain where I am coming from with my dramatic comparison (which I will share with you shortly).

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, I recently started a new school. This transition has been very hard for me- leaving my friends, adjusting yet again to a new school (this is my fourth school in six years), and adapting to a new lifestyle.
Yes, I will and already have made new friends, I have adjusted to the school and adapted to the lifestyle (for the most part, at least).

But there is a greater significance to my switching schools.

You see, I had been in two elementary schools, two high schools, and now in two colleges. It wasn't until my first year of college where I actually felt that I belonged, that I felt happy with where I was and who I was. My elementary school years were split in half between two schools. I went from a local public school to a private school in another town. At the time I was awfully shy and had a hard time making friends. I had a hard time transitioning to the private school- I got bullied for a short period of time (funny because we ended up becoming friends), didn't understand what was being said half the time (half the school day was spent learning in Hebrew), and so, therefore, felt extremely out of place. My middle school was connected to my elementary school so it was basically one and the same. Still the same people, school and awkward me.

High school came around and it did not exactly go as planned. I started off at an out-of-state private school that was a struggle in itself to just adjust to. My life went from getting home at 5 pm every day to getting home at 7 pm. I was the first and last stop on the bus, and didn't even get picked up or dropped off at home- I had to drive 10 minutes to my bus stop every morning and have somebody pick me up from the community center where the bus dropped me off. I begged my parents to let me transfer to the local public school (even though I was afraid of that too since I hadn't been in public school since 3rd grade and was used to small schools (I graduated middle school with only 11 people)), but the only other choice they gave me was my sister's boarding school. I was miserable. My life was a mess and in the most positive way possible- it was awful.

Eventually, of course, things got better. But I was never really happy. I was just constantly on the run, never having time for myself. There wasn't really anything to make me want to stay, which is what was so upsetting. Again (but even more strongly), I felt SO out of place. I was the only student from my town, so nobody even knew what it was. I was friendly with basically the few kids from my middle school and several others, but besides for that people didn't even know my name (and this was a school with less than 200 kids so everyone typically knew each other). I felt so awkward and unwelcome. Even now, being as social and talkative as I am, I wouldn't want to socialize with many of those people. And with such a small school, you're either in it or you're not- there is no in-between like in public school. There were just so many reasons why I wasn't happy there.

Summer entering junior year, I decided I was switching to public school. At this point, I wasn't even afraid. I just wanted to get the hell out of my reality.

My two years in public school were great! They really were. It was a major breakthrough for me because I really had to jump into the unknown. I know now that I needed those experiences to make me strong and capable of dealing with life (if you have read my blog posts about overcoming anxiety, then you know that it was so bad that I literally was scared of life).
But still- it was just a stopover for me. I was just a random. And understandably so- I was a new kid, still more on the quiet side.
I made friends, reconnected with people from my first elementary school- and survived. I literally thought I would see kids being stuffed into lockers and such (private school kids are afraid of public school kids- at least where I came from. People from my private school literally asked me how I wasn't scared to go to public school). I had in a sense crossed to the other side- the world where people look and act older, and do things private school kids don't know about. Me out of all people. How could I survive that- you know, being all meek and stuff?

This stage was amazing because I had officially become me- the person I had been working towards. Graduation wasn't just me leaving high school and home- it was the end of my gruesome self-training. I wrote more about this in my other blog posts (How I Overcame Social Anxiety, Enjoying the Journey, Tell Your Story, and several others). I had reached the goals I had set for myself such as being able to start a conversation, not feeling fear for no reason, being able to call someone on the phone comfortably . . . basically, I had become a functional person driven by goals and dreams rather than by fear.

Came college- the absolute best two years of my life thus far. I couldn't ask for a better environment, better people, better experiences, or better me (no pun intended). I had never felt so right in my entire life.
One might say this was the case because I had come to terms with myself. But I don't think that was the reason. It definitely helped make it possible, but all the other factors that go into someone's life had to be present- the group of people, the community, the opportunities, and experiences . . .

For the first time ever in my life, I had a group of friends. Prior, I was a floater. I had a friend here, a friend there- but was a lone soldier for the most part. My friends are the best part. They are still the best part because I am still friends with them even though I am not there. I went back to visit this past weekend and was enwrapped in the same warmth they had given me when I was there all the time. Not getting to be with my favorite people is something that is still a struggle.

Even though I don't get to experience the last 2 years with them, I am so happy I had the privilege to experience the first two. I am so incredibly grateful for those two years.

But this is exactly why I am so upset. For the first time ever, I was comfortable and happy and stable and felt secure . . . and then it came to an end. You see, I had applied to the nursing program at my previous school. It is a very competitive program, but I felt confident in my chances of getting accepted. I received a call in the middle of the summer and was told that I was one of the few students who had received neither an acceptance letter nor a rejection letter- the reason being because there were no more seats and they wanted to offer me a seat in the same exact program that is in another location.

It was and still is difficult to accept the fact that the only reason my life had to change so drastically is because of a lack of room. If I wasn't competitive enough, then fine- I wasn't good enough.

But I was. I was good enough and capable and . . . But it doesn't matter.

So now that you see where exactly I'm coming from, you can understand my frustration. On the one hand, I am proud that I got accepted, but on the other hand, I am so upset about the fact that the acceptance doesn't actually mean much.

So, the train.

I now take the train to school every day. It's a nice ride- perfect for downtime, not too long . . .
Today on my way home from school, I randomly had an interesting thought. While it was playing through my head, I was asking myself- where is this coming from? It didn't feel like I was thinking the thought- but rather like it was being said to me from a corner of my mind that I didn't know exists. And as I was thinking the thought, I was asking myself- what is this leading to???

The train runs some portions in a tunnel and the rest of the tracks are in the open. There is a short period of time during which we ride over the Delaware River. Looking out the window and over the water, it feels sort of like you're flying because you can't see the bridge rails.

And then you go down into the darkness, into the tunnel.
It's like one second you're soaring and then the next, it's over. No more view, just the black tunnel wall. And in those moments, you see your reflection and the inside of the train. In the reflection, I see the other people on the train and a glimpse of their realities- their tired faces that have under-eye bags seemingly molded into them, their ID's, etc.

And everything seems to be flying by (especially if you're sitting backwards as I was)- you are looking towards where you're coming from and you have a clear view of it while on the bridge (the most exciting part), and then you're sucked into the tunnel. Darkness surrounds you and you know that you are no longer where you were before (officially in New Jersey and not Pennsylvania anymore when you cross the bridge). You can't even see that view anymore.

And I thought to myself, that I can't complain. Both directions are taking me to a place where I am blessed to be going. One direction takes me to school- one of the most competitive in the area. To be able to receive such an education is a privilege. To be there is a gift. The other direction takes me home. Even though I miss living with my friends and being at my previous school, I now get to go home and see my family every day. Thank God for my family and my home. I have somewhere to go at the end of the day. Going to school at Philly, I am constantly reminded that this is not the case for everyone.

First I thought all of those thoughts. And then I thought:

This is literally my life (and life, the human experience, in general).
I was out in the open, all happy flying and enjoying a beautiful view- and then suddenly sucked into what seems to me like darkness. We can't always see where things are leading us, but that doesn't mean that they aren't leading us anywhere good. The thoughts and emotions fly by because ain't nobody got time to dwell.
In those moments of darkness, I see a different reality (the inside of the train)- which isn't as exciting as my view of the River. And in the meantime, I'm moving further away from the bridge- the beautiful view. And just because I want to go towards the bridge- doesn't mean that's where I necessarily belong. If the train were to stop and change directions, it would be taking me back towards Philly and away from where I am supposed to be going- home.

I certainly can't say that I feel at home at my new school as much as I did in my previous school, but I do strongly believe that this change had to be made for a reason. Several reasons have been discovered already (stories for a different time).

It is in the darkest times of life that we must reflect on ourselves and that we do reflect on ourselves and the world around us. I felt like by entering the tunnel and seeing my reflection and everyone else on the train- the universe was telling me to look around, notice just how much things have changed- and embrace it. I first saw the beautiful view and was flying high, but I need to stop looking at that constantly. Look at where you are NOW. Give all of these new things opportunities. This is your new reality.

This applies not just to me, not just to those who take trains or to those who are starting a new school. Hell no. This applies to all people and everyone's life.

Stop dwelling on the past, and look towards the future.

Having a hard time? Hate that things had to change?
Well, it's life. So stop dwelling and start seeing, appreciating, opening up your mind, experiencing and most importantly- NOTICING. Notice the little things and the big things, the long-lasting and short-lasting, the good and the bad. Notice it all, because this is your reality. And unless you have a time machine (which you don't) . . . hehehe sorry just had to remind you . . .

Let go of the past and move towards the future.
Move with assurance, excitement, and passion.
It's OK to be upset. Be upset --> let go.

Best of luck.

Reflections on a Moment

I wasn't sure what to name this post because it is so short and not on any single idea. This is really just a thought I have about something that I saw a while ago (and I still remember it because it affected me that much).

Maybe I take little things too seriously or too much to heart. This had absolutely nothing to do with me- it was simply someone's treatment towards another person that I noticed and thought was very interesting. I am unintentionally making this sound dramatic (when it absolutely isn't)!

This is such a small, should-be-insignificant moment.

It was during finals of last semester (I have been that busy that I haven't had time to write this short post since school ended in May).

Anyway, finals time is a very stressful time of the school year. The only comforting thing about this stressful period is that all of your peers are going through the same stress and you all go through it together.

I was standing outside my classroom one day, waiting for the previous class to end. A girl from my class was standing next to me and there were students standing/sitting all along the walls of the hallway.

Suddenly, a random boy started talking to the girl next to me. He was telling her about how stressed he was, and how he wasn't sure how he could get through it.

This was a completely random boy randomly telling a completely random girl he didn't know how he would get through the stressful week.

I stood there confused. It didn't seem like they knew each other, but on the other hand there he was all of a sudden telling her how stressed he was.

The girl just listened to what he had to say. She didn't look at him like he was weird, or confused about why he was telling her this or talking to her. She just listened to him vent to her for a minute before assuring him that he would be OK. He proceeded telling her that he was just very stressed and just wanted the week to be over. She nodded and smiled and then he walked away.

I don't know why this blew me away- maybe because I'm not used to people acting so nonchalantly, or maybe because I myself don't usually randomly talk to strangers. But I don't think that girl did either.

It was just how she was so nice about it- listening to him even though she didn't know him and not acting weirded out- just listening.

I thought how I might have reacted had I had a random person talk to me like that- I probably would've acted confused or somewhat weirded-out.

But I liked how she reacted and that she reacted the way she did- and would like to be that accepting of others.

It would be cool if people would be that chill more often.

And that's it- really nothing major. That just really hit me for some reason.

The Girl From Italy

Have you ever seen or met somebody and instantly (for no particular reason) felt a deep desire to know more about them? Simple things like what their hobbies are, what music they listen to, why they always sit a certain way, their fears, how many siblings they have . . .

And sometimes you form your own conclusions about that person (maybe because you assume that you will simply never know the answers to those questions, or because you feel that must be the case for that person) based on the (very) little you know about him or her.

I don't often experience this, but when I do --> I get really curious.

This past semester I was taking a writing course called Research in the Disciplines: Exploring Asia. My class had only 10 students including myself. This was one of those classes where every single person-

EVERY.
Including the teacher . . .
Was interesting.

Not in a weird way.
Just . . . interesting.

But this has nothing to do with the point I am trying to get to . . .

There was one girl in particular who for some reason sparked my curiosity. It was her quiet nature- the kind that hinted intellect. It always seemed to me like she was somehow ahead of the game, understanding and noticing things about the world and life that everybody else couldn't grasp- and she couldn't understand why she was the only one able to comprehend seemingly simple things. But it wasn't in a cocky way- it was more so in a disappointed manner as if waiting for somebody to see what she sees.

She intimidated me.
A lot.
And I hated it.

Not simply because I hate feeling intimidated (who does?), but rather because that view of her made me consider that maybe there was indeed something I was missing. I felt intimidated by the fact that she was so much wiser than me (this was all in my head. All I knew about her was that she was majoring in Chinese. She could've been the biggest idiot and how would I know?) and that I couldn't see what she saw.

The only interactions we had were me passing the sign-in sheet to her, for which she would turn her head slightly (she sat directly in front of me) and proofreading each other's papers. She would write her comments on my paper in a very neat and small print. She used the word "perhaps" a lot and I decided to start using that word more often (it makes one sound proper and smart).

Oh, and I couldn't pronounce her first name. Her last name clearly was Italian though.
Cool beans.
Still not the point.

My assumption that she was very smart, was verified by my reading her papers- they were always well-written. This increased my intimidation. Not the point though.

Throughout the majority of the semester, my view of her was such: she was much too smart and mature for the average person. She was nice and friendly, simple and straightforward. She had set viewpoints and equally intellectual friends. Not the type of girl I would be friends with though (I am much too quirky and probably on a drastically different emotional wavelength than her- I am a spaz while she just would (just simply would) do things properly the first time and wonder why other people can't just get their act together).

Last week, on one of the last days of class- we had to get into pairs of two to discuss our presentations for our papers. Through facial expression, she asked if I wanted to work with her and I responded in the same manner.

She sat down next to me and asked with wide eyes, "do you know how you're presenting your paper? She (the teacher) makes it sound as if it's so simple, but it's not," she continued. "I'm not good at public speaking."

It was interesting to me that she would reveal her weakness. I had created her personality so much in my head. I knew I needed to stop doing this.

As we finished our discussion and she shifted her body away from me, I wanted to continue the conversation.

I don't remember exactly what I said, but we ended up getting to the topic of school almost being over. She was so excited, it was almost as if she was a different person. She never showed emotions like that before.

I learned so much about her in the next several minutes during our conversation. She was talking so much.

She was only a junior but was graduating a year early. She was in the middle of applying to graduate programs. She was so excited to go home . . . she spent her past two summers working in New York while living on campus . . . she hadn't been home in three years . . .

She was from  . . .

Italy.

"I'm sorry- what? You're from Italy did you say?" I asked confused. "As in, like, you were born and raised there? As in, you were in the states for just three years and your real life (family and home) are in Italy?"

This hit me hard and I couldn't understand why.
I was so enthralled by the fact she was from Italy- a different world I know nothing about- that I actually continued to sit in my seat after class and everyone else had left, and sort of just thought about it- about the fact that her life is so different from mine, her childhood was so different, the place she calls home, the culture she was raised in . . .

And I began to think about all the ways she must view life, people, and basically everything differently than how I view those things. I began to think about how in several weeks she will return to Italy and I will remain in New Jersey. I began to think about everything she mentioned in those past several minutes- how in Italy families eat dinner together always, how she feels guilty when not eating dinner with her family, specifically on Sunday nights . . . and I began to think about all the things that I truly must not know and understand that she knows and understands because she lives in Italy. Maybe there are many things that the culture there does right, that the people do correctly, that I am missing out on because my American life and culture do not care for those things that maybe they should . . .

I came back to my dorm room in a haze, still enwrapped in this idea. I told my roommate about these thoughts- and even the next day to my other best friend. I was obsessed with the idea of actually looking up different cultural practices in different countries, and trying them out- just to see what I was missing (or if I was missing anything at all). Maybe those practices and perspectives and beliefs of other places, resulting in a better quality of life.

So this is what I have decided to do.

 . . .

Maybe it seems that it was pointless for me to go through the details of my encounter with the girl from Italy, but if not for that 3-month long thought process, I do not think I would've come to such a major realization (or at least felt the same way about it).

She will never know the effect that she has had on me (and will continue to have). I do not think I will ever forget her. I will be 70 years old and wonder what happened to the girl from Italy.

10 Situations That Anybody And Everybody Can Relate To (View For Proof)

Today I wrote a post on Buzzfeed!!

You can’t be human if you haven’t experienced at least one, if not all, of these things. No worries, gifs are included!

View it HERE!

The Secret to Balancing Your Crazy Life

Stop driving yourself crazy by constantly thinking about all the things you have to do.

There.

You've probably heard this before, but as a recovering control freak, I can assure you- this is it.

Please read on- I can prove this to you!

If you are wondering what I mean- I mean exactly what I said (or wrote, in this case).
Stop driving yourself crazy by constantly thinking about all the things you have to do. 

Right now you are in class, at work, driving, etc . . .

Chill.

I learned this a couple of weeks ago when I was so stressed that the only option I had was to tell myself that I would get to those things when I would get to those things. Instead of stressing the whole weekend while at home, about school-related matters, I simply let all of those stress-inducing thoughts go.

Let me explain to you further. After understanding my situation, I don't think that you will feel the need to question whether this method is valid.

School gives me the most anxiety/stress out of all the facets that comprise my life. So much so, that I would spend vast amounts of time planning my week. I would schedule every minute of every day, numbering what I planned to get done first, second . . . (Realize just how absurd this was- I would both write down the times I would be working on each task, and then number them. Why number each task if they are already organized by time of day?)

I would waste so much time doing this, that I could've gotten a single task done in that amount of time.

I finally came to the realization that this was anxiety infiltrating my life.
Planning your day is one thing. Giving each task a set start and end time (knowing that you most probably won't end up doing those things according to those times), on top of numbering each task and getting OCD about even naming each task- that's not normal.

A lot of times when one overcomes anxiety (this is referring to people who have some serious form of anxiety and not just normal anxiety about stress-inducing factors), that anxiety can infiltrate your life in another form. As a kid, I had to overcome a lot of anxiety (I write a lot more about this in my other blog posts, so I won't go into detail here). Now as an adult, I don't have that anxiety that I had before. I don't feel nervous on a regular basis.

However, I realized that that anxiety was developing itself in another form- obsessively planning. In the back of my mind, I knew that this approach to life was unhealthy and crazy, but I was afraid to stop because I felt that it gave me control. I believed that if I stopped meticulously planning everything I planned to do, that I would lose control of the path that I was building for myself. This makes sense- people with anxiety are afraid and want to feel some sort of control over what will happen to them. This was my way of "taking control," when in reality it was controlling me.

Going back to my realization, it was when I was on my way home from college when I didn't have my planner open in front of me. My nagging thoughts were giving me a headache, but at that moment there was nothing I could do about the upcoming assignment or the event I had been working on (which by the way was a while away, and I was still stressing about it).

And so I stopped thinking about all of it. I just let it go. I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing- had already started the assignment, answered emails pertaining to the event and already set the logistics of the event in place. And anything else that needed to get done, would get done when I would get around to it.

I have been using this tactic ever since. I started feeling the same anxiety before writing this post. Stat homework and assignment due Wednesday. I'm fine. I have so much time. I simply stopped thinking about it.

And the best thing about it is that when I let it go, the stress dissipates. It melts. Because you consciously make the decision that you are not doing whatever you are stressing about at the moment and that you will do it later. It might not get done at this exact second, but it will get done.

I don't think that I did this tactic justice with this blog post. Try it out for yourself. Just simply stop trying so hard to balance everything. You will get to it. Just stop nagging yourself.

Brain Overdrive

My phone.

I hate it sometimes.

The anticipation of a Facebook notification or a new Instagram like... Sometimes I wish I could just
throw it all away.

It's like there is a constant unnecessary inflow of crap into my brain. What she wore, what he did today, what she thinks about... Because I don't care and I don't need to. These insignificant facts don't change my world for the better or improve my life in any way.

I have deleted certain apps from my cell phone before- multiple times, actually. I would look down too often, even when I had not received a text or a notification. I would look at my phone while eating, on the bus while on my way to classes, and even when I was with friends (who I enjoy being with). I would do this because it was so natural. 

I don't want that to be natural or normal for me.

I said "multiple times" because I get these apps back when I realize how much easier it is to just have them on my phone. However, I know that having them on my phone isn't necessarily good for me.

This is not my diary.

I write about things that affect others as well as myself, and I know that I'm not the only one with this headache.

So I'm not going to make this long because this is a simple statement: sometimes it's important to give ourselves a break- our egos, (at times) unrealistic expectations, and the constant thrill that we naturally desire.

It's unhealthy and exhausting, and our time and lives are worth more.

It is 1:30 am and I am exhausted, but I can't help but write this down while lying in my bed, head on 
pillow, phone light setting on low, and my phone on silent so that my roommate won't wake up.

I'm a college student with back to back classes tomorrow and I can't sleep because this is more 
exhausting.

I don't want this anymore.
It's not what life is all about. I only have one chance to make the best of it and since this isn't the best... changes are going to be made

Some tips:

• This is hard at times. Only use your apps when you have a notification or want to post something. It's like binging on food. you're not really hungry, but eat anyway because you have the time or are bored. 
• Put all of the distracting apps into one section (I know you can do this on an iPhone, though I am not sure about other phones). This way, these apps stand out less on your screen and you are less likely to give in to viewing them. 
• GET BUSY!!! Whenever I spend time on Facebook or Instagram just scrolling through, I honestly feel horrible about myself. It is a known fact that social media makes people feel unhappy. This makes sense because we are constantly focusing on other people. We have our own lives. Don't waste it away by comparing it to others'. Why do you have so much free time on your hands anyway. Or maybe you don't- you just really don't want to write that paper or study for that test... but the way that I think about it is that I will feel more accomplished and happier in the long run if I do what I need to get done. This is not easy, but is worth the time that it saves and the feeling of accomplishing more. 
• Make a list of things you want and need to get done, so that you are more aware of the fact that you can use your time in a more productive way. Plan something to do in your free time that is rewarding- I usually like to practice guitar in between my study sessions. I feel happier doign this over scrolling through my newsfeed. 

If you have better tips, implement them. 

Write yourself notes if you need to. Make your home screen picture a positive quote of staying offline if you need to. 

As time goes on, it gets easier and you feel happier overall. 

Good luck!

The Secret to Getting Rid of Fear (and why you need to get rid of it NOW)

This is a quick post- something that I thought about the other day. I was thinking about my music and what I want to do with it.
However, every time I imagine myself performing in front of people, I get nervous and feel like there is no possible way that I will be able to overcome my fear of performing in front of a crowd.

Being that I was in the middle of studying and couldn't write a blog post right away, I wrote myself a little side note:

"Never be afraid
Just have confidence
Because when you screw up, nobody will know what you really have
Nobody will care"

I realized that if I don't just force myself to ignore my fear (I will post tips for this below) and won't act with confidence, I will never get anywhere with my music. Psht, I will never get anything done that makes me intimidated in the slightest bit.

If I don't have confidence when singing (or doing anything- apply this to your situation), then my voice will not come off as very strong and the quality of my music won't be all that great. Nobody will ever know what I'm actually capable of. I will never be able to give them my best. My real ability will go to waste because nobody will know about it BECAUSE I was too nervous while singing. And in the end, nobody will care because nobody will KNOW.

I don't want my possible success to be cut short because of fear.

I often think about the quote. "There is nothing to fear but fear itself"- Franklin Roosevelt

It is so true.
Unless of course, one is afraid of jumping off of a building or is afraid of petting a bear- that kind of fear is obviously good. Everything in moderation. I'm referring to the kind of fear that holds us back from achieving our dreams and from taking constructive risks, because in those cases we are missing out and possibly even losing great opportunities.

So I am telling you to ignore your fear that is holding you back from socializing, from joining that club, or from following your dream- because in the end either you go after it or you don't- and the outcome will affect nobody but you. Nobody will ever know.

And one or two or several failures will not stop you from being successful.
There have been so many times that success stories were first failure stories. Starbucks was denied from banks like 200 something times, J.K Rowling was turned down by multiple publishing companies before Harry Potter was even just considered, Usher turned down Justing Bieber's offer to sing for him the first time Justin met Usher, etc.

How to stop being afraid:
Ignore the negative thoughts, Just stop thinking them. This takes time and practice and determination and perseverance and will sometimes drive you crazy but you DONT. GIVE. UP!!!! (Meet the Robinsons reference!!)

Every time a negative thought starts creapin' up on you, you do your kung-fu-slash move on that crap (false language included for seriousness purposes) and move on with your life. Seriously though, sing a song or say a prayer or whatever and move on with your shit.

And that's it.

You just get rid of the negative thoughts and focus on what you need to do. Pretty soon, the negative thoughts go away . . . and without negative thoughts, we get good shit done.

So good luck with all of that and don't forget that at the end of the day- either it happens or it doesn't. It's your life- take it into your own hands.
Good luck!