Living as the Highest Versions of Ourselves

Well, it's been 3 months since I've written a blog post. That's how I know I've been truly busy. 

There are so many experiences I've had in such a short period of time. Where to begin?

So much I have learned- things I have realized, accepted, changed, applied to my life, let go of...

I want to share one realization/experience. 

The other week, I experienced a moment of intense truth. Perhaps an epiphany. Not quite sure. 

I was exhausted.
Exhausted from all the noise. Noise from thoughts playing over and over in my head, focusing on external things, social media, other people, trying to figure out if I'm doing well, trying to find myself in various settings of my life that are all so contrasting. I feel like 3 different people. I can't be the same person in all the settings in which I exist. Or at least I don't know how to be. That's something I'm still trying to figure out. 

Through all the chaos, I lost my clarity. 

I couldn't hear myself trying to pipe through all the static that was everything around me. 

As I took a moment to say Maariv (evening prayer), I paused to share some of my thoughts with G-d. Except I couldn't find words. And even if I could, I didn't want to speak them. Because words couldn't express what I was feeling. 

I felt stuck. 

And what I suddenly thought to myself was: I want to find myself. 

Not find myself in what I do or how I spend my time, my career, job, friends or religion. 

No. I wanted to find who I am at my core. 

So I got very quiet and let everything else go. I let go of what I was feeling on the outside, who I was with, where I was before, and where I was going afterward. 

I suddenly found myself so in tune with the reality of who I really am- my true desires, goals, and aspirations... my clarity, internal compass... the voice that had been trying so hard to be heard. 

My energy healer once told me that the voice we need to listen to is often the one that is quieter. 

I was finally able to hear that voice. 

I knew it was that voice because for the first time in a long time I felt free. I felt happy and grateful. Even things that had upset me... I was just so grateful they happened because I understood they helped me to grow. I suddenly felt full. Full of joy, pride, and happiness. What had been pain suddenly became inspirational. What had been sadness suddenly became happiness. I felt honesty, forgiveness, truth, and self-love. 

I was so happy, I began to cry. I just thought, "Oh my gosh, this is what I have been looking and waiting for. This is the truth. This is where I want to stay." 

I cried mostly because I realized just how much I truly loved that person. 

Just how truly I loved myself. 

When I was finally able to reach and meet her... and be her for a moment, I wanted to continue to exist as her. Rather than existing as a version of myself molded by falsity. Rather than exiting as the version who needed to fit into other people's definitions of "normal" or "acceptable."

As I came back to grounding myself to where I was in that moment- surrounded by other people and not in the right environment to cry hysterically (and either way how could I explain all this to someone who could've asked me why I was seemingly upset)- I had to disconnect myself from that highest version of myself. 

At that moment, I couldn't embrace her without being emotional. 

But I was so happy to know that she would be there (just as she had been there all along), for when I could reconnect and grow closer and closer to her until I would be her. 

That brought me to today. I saw a journal prompt that asked: how can I love myself even deeper?

And my response came to me suddenly: I can love myself more deeply by genuinely embracing who and what I am by turning inwards to inquire what my true and highest self would do, how she would react, what she would say and choose... because I love who I truly am and I can actively continue to love myself by embracing life (with its loves and losses) through her. If I am the highest version of myself who I love, how could I not love myself?  If anything, I will love myself more than I ever have. 

As the highest version of myself, I will not chase. I will attract. I will be kind, giving, understanding, and genuine. I will follow my own lead, instead of following another's. I will do what is right for me, instead of seeking direction and guidance from others who cannot offer it to me. I will live by truth and clarity. 

Every choice will be made by me as the highest version of myself. 

I want this, not that. 

This is right for me. That is not right for me. 

This person belongs in my life. That person does not belong in my life. 

I embrace this. I let go of that. 

These thoughts serve me. Those thoughts are being released from my mind's soundtrack. 

Be still. Be quiet. Disconnect to reconnect. 

It may take more than one try. 

But sooner or later, you will meet yourself and it will be evident. 

Your truth will be self-evident.