Earlier today I related my life to the train I was riding.
Say what?
Yes, I know. Strange.
Let me back up a little bit and explain what that has to do with the title of this blog post.
The lead-up to my main point is somewhat long, but it is necessary in order to understand the emotions that have led to me to realize what I am sharing with you. My goal is not to share with you my life story and personal achievements, but rather to fully explain where I am coming from with my dramatic comparison (which I will share with you shortly).
As I mentioned in my previous blog post, I recently started a new school. This transition has been very hard for me- leaving my friends, adjusting yet again to a new school (this is my fourth school in six years), and adapting to a new lifestyle.
Yes, I will and already have made new friends, I have adjusted to the school and adapted to the lifestyle (for the most part, at least).
But there is a greater significance to my switching schools.
You see, I had been in two elementary schools, two high schools, and now in two colleges. It wasn't until my first year of college where I actually felt that I belonged, that I felt happy with where I was and who I was. My elementary school years were split in half between two schools. I went from a local public school to a private school in another town. At the time I was awfully shy and had a hard time making friends. I had a hard time transitioning to the private school- I got bullied for a short period of time (funny because we ended up becoming friends), didn't understand what was being said half the time (half the school day was spent learning in Hebrew), and so, therefore, felt extremely out of place. My middle school was connected to my elementary school so it was basically one and the same. Still the same people, school and awkward me.
High school came around and it did not exactly go as planned. I started off at an out-of-state private school that was a struggle in itself to just adjust to. My life went from getting home at 5 pm every day to getting home at 7 pm. I was the first and last stop on the bus, and didn't even get picked up or dropped off at home- I had to drive 10 minutes to my bus stop every morning and have somebody pick me up from the community center where the bus dropped me off. I begged my parents to let me transfer to the local public school (even though I was afraid of that too since I hadn't been in public school since 3rd grade and was used to small schools (I graduated middle school with only 11 people)), but the only other choice they gave me was my sister's boarding school. I was miserable. My life was a mess and in the most positive way possible- it was awful.
Eventually, of course, things got better. But I was never really happy. I was just constantly on the run, never having time for myself. There wasn't really anything to make me want to stay, which is what was so upsetting. Again (but even more strongly), I felt SO out of place. I was the only student from my town, so nobody even knew what it was. I was friendly with basically the few kids from my middle school and several others, but besides for that people didn't even know my name (and this was a school with less than 200 kids so everyone typically knew each other). I felt so awkward and unwelcome. Even now, being as social and talkative as I am, I wouldn't want to socialize with many of those people. And with such a small school, you're either in it or you're not- there is no in-between like in public school. There were just so many reasons why I wasn't happy there.
Summer entering junior year, I decided I was switching to public school. At this point, I wasn't even afraid. I just wanted to get the hell out of my reality.
My two years in public school were great! They really were. It was a major breakthrough for me because I really had to jump into the unknown. I know now that I needed those experiences to make me strong and capable of dealing with life (if you have read my blog posts about overcoming anxiety, then you know that it was so bad that I literally was scared of life).
But still- it was just a stopover for me. I was just a random. And understandably so- I was a new kid, still more on the quiet side.
I made friends, reconnected with people from my first elementary school- and survived. I literally thought I would see kids being stuffed into lockers and such (private school kids are afraid of public school kids- at least where I came from. People from my private school literally asked me how I wasn't scared to go to public school). I had in a sense crossed to the other side- the world where people look and act older, and do things private school kids don't know about. Me out of all people. How could I survive that- you know, being all meek and stuff?
This stage was amazing because I had officially become me- the person I had been working towards. Graduation wasn't just me leaving high school and home- it was the end of my gruesome self-training. I wrote more about this in my other blog posts (
How I Overcame Social Anxiety,
Enjoying the Journey,
Tell Your Story, and several others). I had reached the goals I had set for myself such as being able to start a conversation, not feeling fear for no reason, being able to call someone on the phone comfortably . . . basically, I had become a functional person driven by goals and dreams rather than by fear.
Came college- the absolute best two years of my life thus far. I couldn't ask for a better environment, better people, better experiences, or better me (no pun intended). I had never felt so right in my entire life.
One might say this was the case because I had come to terms with myself. But I don't think that was the reason. It definitely helped make it possible, but all the other factors that go into someone's life had to be present- the group of people, the community, the opportunities, and experiences . . .
For the first time ever in my life, I had a group of friends. Prior, I was a floater. I had a friend here, a friend there- but was a lone soldier for the most part. My friends are the best part. They are still the best part because I am still friends with them even though I am not there. I went back to visit this past weekend and was enwrapped in the same warmth they had given me when I was there all the time. Not getting to be with my favorite people is something that is still a struggle.
Even though I don't get to experience the last 2 years with them, I am so happy I had the privilege to experience the first two. I am so incredibly grateful for those two years.
But this is exactly why I am so upset. For the first time ever, I was comfortable and happy and stable and felt secure . . . and then it came to an end. You see, I had applied to the nursing program at my previous school. It is a very competitive program, but I felt confident in my chances of getting accepted. I received a call in the middle of the summer and was told that I was one of the few students who had received neither an acceptance letter nor a rejection letter- the reason being because there were no more seats and they wanted to offer me a seat in the same exact program that is in another location.
It was and still is difficult to accept the fact that the only reason my life had to change so drastically is because of a lack of room. If I wasn't competitive enough, then fine- I wasn't good enough.
But I was. I was good enough and capable and . . . But it doesn't matter.
So now that you see where exactly I'm coming from, you can understand my frustration. On the one hand, I am proud that I got accepted, but on the other hand, I am so upset about the fact that the acceptance doesn't actually mean much.
So, the train.
I now take the train to school every day. It's a nice ride- perfect for downtime, not too long . . .
Today on my way home from school, I randomly had an interesting thought. While it was playing through my head, I was asking myself- where is this coming from? It didn't feel like I was thinking the thought- but rather like it was being said to me from a corner of my mind that I didn't know exists. And as I was thinking the thought, I was asking myself- what is this leading to???
The train runs some portions in a tunnel and the rest of the tracks are in the open. There is a short period of time during which we ride over the Delaware River. Looking out the window and over the water, it feels sort of like you're flying because you can't see the bridge rails.
And then you go down into the darkness, into the tunnel.
It's like one second you're soaring and then the next, it's over. No more view, just the black tunnel wall. And in those moments, you see your reflection and the inside of the train. In the reflection, I see the other people on the train and a glimpse of their realities- their tired faces that have under-eye bags seemingly molded into them, their ID's, etc.
And everything seems to be flying by (especially if you're sitting backwards as I was)- you are looking towards where you're coming from and you have a clear view of it while on the bridge (the most exciting part), and then you're sucked into the tunnel. Darkness surrounds you and you know that you are no longer where you were before (officially in New Jersey and not Pennsylvania anymore when you cross the bridge). You can't even see that view anymore.
And I thought to myself, that I can't complain. Both directions are taking me to a place where I am blessed to be going. One direction takes me to school- one of the most competitive in the area. To be able to receive such an education is a privilege. To be there is a gift. The other direction takes me home. Even though I miss living with my friends and being at my previous school, I now get to go home and see my family every day. Thank God for my family and my home. I have somewhere to go at the end of the day. Going to school at Philly, I am constantly reminded that this is not the case for everyone.
First I thought all of those thoughts. And then I thought:
This is literally my life (and life, the human experience, in general).
I was out in the open, all happy flying and enjoying a beautiful view- and then suddenly sucked into what seems to me like darkness. We can't always see where things are leading us, but that doesn't mean that they aren't leading us anywhere good. The thoughts and emotions fly by because ain't nobody got time to dwell.
In those moments of darkness, I see a different reality (the inside of the train)- which isn't as exciting as my view of the River. And in the meantime, I'm moving further away from the bridge- the beautiful view. And just because I want to go towards the bridge- doesn't mean that's where I necessarily belong. If the train were to stop and change directions, it would be taking me back towards Philly and away from where I am supposed to be going- home.
I certainly can't say that I feel at home at my new school as much as I did in my previous school, but I do strongly believe that this change had to be made for a reason. Several reasons have been discovered already (stories for a different time).
It is in the darkest times of life that we must reflect on ourselves and that we do reflect on ourselves and the world around us. I felt like by entering the tunnel and seeing my reflection and everyone else on the train- the universe was telling me to look around, notice just how much things have changed-
and embrace it. I first saw the beautiful view and was flying high, but I need to stop looking at that constantly. Look at where you are NOW.
Give all of these new things opportunities. This is your new reality.
This applies not just to me, not just to those who take trains or to those who are starting a new school. Hell no. This applies to all people and everyone's life.
Stop dwelling on the past, and look towards the future.
Having a hard time? Hate that things had to change?
Well, it's life. So
stop dwelling and start seeing, appreciating, opening up your mind, experiencing and most importantly- NOTICING. Notice the little things and the big things, the long-lasting and short-lasting, the good and the bad. Notice it all, because this is your reality. And unless you have a time machine (which you don't) . . . hehehe sorry just had to remind you . . .
Let go of the past and move towards the future.
Move with assurance, excitement, and passion.
It's OK to be upset. Be upset --> let go.
Best of luck.
