There is a woman yelling in my ear. She is trying to communicate with someone over the phone while simultaneously not lose her kid in the crowd of thousands.
I am standing on a chair and I think I may fall any minute though the rush of excitement and energy in the air makes me want to ignore any ounce of fear I have at the thought of possibly getting injured.
I hear mumbles coming from the crowd of strangers and also personal interactions.
My feet ache and I want to go to sleep, though I feel like I could also run a mile. I want to run past every person and place.
I feel like a contradiction in every sense of the word. I’m awake and exhausted. Ecstatic and sad. So sure of everything, yet confused. I’ve got it all figured out and I’m so painfully overwhelmed.
I am a contradiction.
Everything is a contradiction and I want the world to freeze, but everyone is moving so fast. Everything is a blur and my thoughts are racing. My emotions are running.
 |
| Jerusalem, Israel |
I want everyone to stop so I can stare at them and see the answers written in their eyes.
Or maybe guess the answers and hope that they’re right so maybe I can feel less guilty. I can feel less guilty because we are all guilty. We are all longing for the same things yet we feel so disconnected. We are all confused in our own and the same ways. We all fall prey to that which we wish we could just let go of and let disappear into non-existence.
I want to make everything quiet and still with a single word. I want to be able to hear a pin drop in this crowd of people. I want to see every detail of every interaction in slow motion.
And I don’t know why.
I don’t care about all these details, but my curiosity drives me towards them. I don’t care but I want everyone else to. I want everyone else to see something deeper and brighter and greater.
I want everyone to see me.
But I am a shadow in the light.
I absorb it and hold onto it as tight as I can. Until it slips away, hopefully to someone else. To inspire someone else. To drive someone else. Perhaps that force will cause them to feel the way I feel and see what I see and think what I’m thinking.
Perhaps we all share this light.
This light sends a message to this town, this city, this state, country, continent, world, planet.
Perhaps this light is not just meant for us here. Perhaps it is meant for everyone.
It sends a ring in my ears and a peace in my mind. A warmth in my heart and a shiver in my spine.
Then we all dissipate and scatter. We all go our separate ways, but the light is still shining in the place it was lit. I feel it leaving me, throwing me into an alternate universe. A universe of normalcy. I feel myself slowing down and aching spiritually.
Like me, this light is a contradiction. It is a story. Waiting to be heard and trying to find a place in every heart, mind, and soul.
Perhaps this light is a reflection of me. Perhaps it is a reflection of all of us. A reflection of who we want to be and the visions we have in our minds of who we are becoming.
And so I conclude in my mind as I lay down to bed: Tell the others. The answers have been found. Share the never-ending wonder and perhaps it will live in you.