It's OK to Be Different. In fact, I Prefer It.

Ever allow the world or the media or people to make you feel guilty or wrong for not wanting something or being a certain way or not liking something?
Or worse- have you ever beaten yourself up for these reasons?

I was just thinking the other night and came to an awfully obvious and simple realization that I berate myself all the time for not being or doing things that I wouldn't want to be or do anyway. 

Everyone does this. Most people just don't realize it. Think about it. The things we wear, the way we spend our time, the information we put out into the world...
Like for example- how many of us actually enjoy parties? A lot of people do, and a lot of people don't. I never did. And for a long time-like when I was in high school and earlier in college- I thought that was a problem. I thought it was a problem that I didn't want to party or drink. I thought it was something to fix. So I would go to some parties and convince myself to drink (not a lot, but that's not the point). I would go to bars and clubs when the opportunities arose and though it was fun, I can't say it was something I loved.

But I kept telling myself that that wasn't OK. I kept thinking that there was something wrong with the fact that I wasn't into it. Why wasn't I into it? Why couldn't I be the type that was?

Or with how people act. Why am I not as good at gossiping as other people are? Socializing would be a lot easier with most people if I knew how to gossip like they could.

I know this sounds absolutely absurd (to some, at least). Who wants to be the type who gossips a lot or who is good at gossiping (whatever that means)? But I think most of you would know what that means. And as I am getting older, I am learning that even as I grow older- I will always be surrounded by people who are okay with being gossipers, or with being dishonest. The scary thing is that the more I see and hear it- the more alright it seems to become even though I don't want to be this kind of person or be surrounded by them.

Note: In this blog post, I am not referring to people who like to party or drink. Everyone is different and I think people should do what they want to do. I don't judge that way. I am referring to people who are mean just to be mean, or judgmental because it's easy to be. I am referring to people who are your friends sometimes- one minute they're there for you and the next they aren't. They won't save you a seat, but they'll ask you to share your notes. That kind of thing. I'm referring to people who are fake to your face and they're OK with it.

This isn't to say that there are the good and the bad. I don't think that anyone I am referring to is inherently bad. These people aren't bad people (well most of them, at least I believe)- they just don't know how to act. And a lot of times they aren't bold enough to try to find another way to accept themselves. They act the way they do because of insecurities and because they are immature. That's sad.

Anyway...
For some time, I felt like maybe I should be more like that. More fake, more judgmental, more standoffish (although these people have no reason to be standoffish because there is nothing about them that should make them think they are in the position to be). But I didn't want to be this way. If I don't like someone, I won't pretend to like them. I won't be nice or mean. I'll just be friendly. Nice. Normal.

I've been in many circles. I've met people from all backgrounds. And though I know what I want and that there is better- being around toxic people is...well... toxic. And the wrong slowly but surely starts to seem right. I've been in private schools and public schools, religious and non-religious groups, in circles that include the smart and wealthy, and in groups with some of the most classless and emotionally unintelligent people I've ever met. Even when you know there is better, it is hard to act accordingly when you're not surrounded by it. I've realized that there are people who are above all this. They decide for themselves. They act with integrity.

As I'm getting older, I'm beginning to become impatient with people like this: They can follow you on Instagram but completely ignore you even in situations when it's awkward to ignore you. I don't care about these people. I don't even know them because they won't let me. These things don't hurt my feelings because if someone can't socialize with me in person but cares to follow me to see what's up with my life- then they're missing out, not me. I just don't appreciate the thin air that they make of themselves.
There are those who can look in a person's eyes as if they are cool with them, when just a couple of seconds ago they were talking behind that person's back. I don't get it. And it's not like these are dramatic things. These people will get upset about the smallest things. What someone didn't say, or how what they said was "weird." The amount of times I've heard the word "weird" lately, makes me want to scream. Aren't we all adults? Aren't we all people? I get middle school and high school. But past that? Grow up. Why do you think everything is weird? That's weird. 

Why am I writing this?
Because this is the thing that I have been battling with. Somewhere along the way, this type of treatment towards each other became normal to me. There was a point when I tried to be more like that. So that I could get by. Because at a certain point I felt like everyone else was being dishonest with me too. If they are talking about their close friends the way they do, I'm sure they talk about me that way too. If they talk about each other, why wouldn't they talk about me? If they get upset about such minor things- then they're noticing everything I'm doing wrong and judging me. I thought it would be easier to just be like everyone else. The majority of people seem to follow whatever is lying around.

But I can't fake things. I can't say something nasty about somebody for doing or saying something minor. I don't want to be the type of person who finds everything weird or as something that needs to be commented on. If I am friends with somebody, I would never half-ass my friendship with him/her. I would never talk behind my friend's back. Especially not nonchalantly.

And I don't want to be like that.

And I think it's because I'm real with people. I think it's because I have been lucky to have real friends and to know people who aren't like this- who aren't mean and nasty just for the sake of being.  I don't understand why so many of these things are OK. I think it may be because these people are surrounded by people who act this way. Perhaps they themselves have never had real friends.

***************************

If you find yourself in a similar predicament or if you have come to realize that you need to be more honest with yourself... realize that it's okay to be different. It's okay to choose an unpopular path. Just because it's less commonly chosen, doesn't mean it's wrong. Perhaps everyone else is wrong and you're right.

If you don't go down the right path, perhaps you'll never know.

How To Make a Decision

I am awful at making decisions. Not even just the big ones.
Not only does it take me forever to decide what I'm going to order at a restaurant, but I also slip up on long-term goals that I make for myself because I tend to cave into decisions that give me the easier way out.

I am writing on this topic because I think this is something many people can relate to. For a while, I have been wondering how I can get myself to stick to my goals and plans. The more challenging ones, that is. The ones that make the difference between who I am and who I would like to be more of.

I think it is safe to say that we all have things we would like to change about ourselves. Maybe they are small things- but they are important nonetheless. The problem is that even when it is so easy to decide what we would rather have, sometimes taking the steps toward those changes are so hard. We know we should do or not do something, but we just can't control ourselves.

I'll use the best example in my case.

Food.

For a while now, I have been trying to change my eating habits. Though I have improved a lot, I am still not where I would like to be. I am not where I know I could be. I know that if I just follow a healthier diet along with my workout regimen, I would be so much closer to my goals. I work out so much, but it doesn't really matter if I can't eat the way one needs to if they want the results that I want. I'm not asking myself to do anything impossible- but rather just to make the right decisions. I am asking myself to not half-ass my goals. I am asking myself to take things more seriously and to be more disciplined. It's been a while now since I set these goals and all I see is my efforts going to waste because I can't ignore my desire to eat foods I shouldn't be eating (at least most of the time). But still- with this type of goal, you have to be consistent and follow the science. I know that I just have to follow the rules.

But for some reason, when I have the choice between short-term satisfaction and long-term pride, I usually cave into short-term satisfaction. I don't have this problem in other aspects of my life. I can get myself to study for hours without a problem. I can control myself when I'm angry about something. But I can't resist this issue that I know would make me a happier, healthier person.

I have been able to make many changes in my life though. Because I realized something.

I realized that everything was just a cycle. I make a mistake, feel upset, tell myself it's OK to make a mistake, I make the mistake again, I feel the same way.... and feel like I'll never be able to break my cycle.

I was tired of feeling unhappy with the fact that I couldn't take the reigns of my own happiness (in this context). I was tired of thinking that I couldn't control my own fate. I wanted to feel and look a certain way... and when would this actually happen? If I can't make it happen now, when will I ever be able to make it happen?

I realized that this made me really unhappy.

So the next time I came to the same fork in the road... I asked myself what would make me feel good.
How will you feel after you make the decision you know you shouldn't? 
How will you feel after you make the decision you know you should?

And I made the right decision. And I felt good about it. And then I continued using this tactic to make my decisions. I started using this in every aspect of my life.

What will make me feel good?
And I go with whatever will make me feel good.

I'm not talking about short-term "good".
I am referring to the type of feel good that we will look back on and be happy we made that decision. What will make me feel good in three minutes or three hours or one year from now? What do I honestly think will make me a happier, better person?

I believe we all truly know what makes us feel good. Sometimes we make decisions because we want something to make us feel good- we want to believe it will. But what's even better than that is being honest with ourselves and allowing ourselves to follow the truth even if it's hard. That says a lot about your character.

So next time you need to make a decision, ask yourself-

What will make you feel good?

Commitment

I've written previously about my current goals and how I've been slacking at keeping up with them. I don't know what it has been- perhaps I've gotten burnt out. So many years of working towards things- so maybe my brain just needs a break from all the pressure I put on myself-which is fine as long as I get my head back into the game.

I was watching a video on Facebook (I'm sorry that I can't recall the name of the page on which I saw it- I will update this post when I remember) in which David Beckham was speaking about his success.

The one thing that he said contributed to his success the most was commitment. He spoke of how his friends used to go out on Saturday nights and hang out, but he would have to stay home and prepare for the next day's soccer games- and would spend his time watching soccer videos to better perfect his techniques.

And I thought to myself: it's not easy for anyone. Everyone who has gotten somewhere in life had to work towards their achievements. Every successful person has had to make major decisions in his or her life, or lose something in turn for reaching their dreams. And this doesn't end when one becomes successful.

I then began to think of some of the most successful people. Let me use Beyonce as an example. She is highly respected, talented, wealthy, etc. But think of what her life entails. Hours of rehearsals, traveling all over the world (for work purposes, not exactly vacations), less time spent with her family, etc.

Selena Gomez, who became successful at a very young age- although I'm sure she was happy to land shows and sign on to a record label, etc... there were certain parts of her life that were more challenging than an average person's her age. Being in the public eye, having to look a certain way for the entertainment industry, having to live up to others' expectations and requirements, having to grow up quickly, etc. She had to be mature and capable of handling what essentially is a job (it's her career).

Though these people live rather unique lives- ones which seem glamorous and exciting from the outside...they also come with major sacrifices.

I wondered if I would be able to do what they do. When I was younger, I dreamed of being an actress and singer. But now that I realize what it means to be those things- I don't think being those things would make me happy. I don't even think I would be capable of living such structured, intense, fast-paced and demanding lifestyle.

I would rather live a life for myself and not for others (sometimes average people can get caught up in the wrong meaning of this too- *Instagram and Facebook/ social media in general*), and put my time towards my family rather than towards an image I have to build.

And this is not to say that fame and certain careers are wrong to strive for. Definitely not. But rather, that dreams come with commitment and one should realize that commitment is worth it if it will lead to genuine happiness. If it does, then go for it. And if you don't know if it will, then still go for it. Just make sure you don't lose yourself in the process.

The main reason I decided to write this blog post is because it made me realize that I haven't been hard enough on myself. I have a goal weight and so decided I will cut back on calories. Yet I snack extra throughout the day, I allow myself to skip workouts, I give myself excuses saying my siblings are going out for ice cream so I will too . . .

If I want to reach my goal, then I have to commit to certain things. Not having what everyone else has, not always doing what I want, not slacking on my workout routine . . .

David Beckham would not have gotten to where he is today if he went out with his friends instead of focusing on soccer. Beyonce would not be so successful if she didn't rehearse as much as she did, which I'm sure gets in the way of the rest of her life and plans she may want to make. Selena Gomez would not be where she is today if she decided to go hang out with friends at 12 years old instead of practicing for auditions or preparing for concerts.

Have a goal?
Commitment.
Keep this in mind.

How to Break Bad Habits

How I Get Myself Back On Track (How to Outsmart Yourself)

The last time I wrote a blog post was about a month ago, and so much has happened since then.

Well, maybe not that much.
But I feel like it was forever ago that I had come back from Israel. Perhaps this is because I have gone through so many ups and downs emotionally.

Now, I'm not an emotional person. I mean, I guess all people are emotional- but I what I mean is that I don't like being emotional. I don't like feeling a certain way when I know feeling that way is illogical. I prefer to be levelheaded and to do what is rational. So when I'm trying to focus and busy myself and get my mind back on track with school and fitness and whatever else it is that makes me feel like I'm moving along in my desired direction with goals I pan out for myself (sometimes because they provide me with the illusion that I am doing what is "right" and so, therefore, things will work out the way I want them to or the way I would, therefore, expect them to)- and I am physically unable to get myself to do those things because my mind and thoughts are so clouded . . . I get really frustrated with myself.

Perhaps that was a run-on sentence. Anyhow . . .

This has happened and continues to happen (because this is one of those things you encounter throughout your life) in so many ways in my life. When it comes to eating healthy (don't grab for the unnecessary slice of pizza PLEASE), getting myself motivated to do schoolwork (this was just a phase, as I have now had my first exam in my second semester of nursing school and my anxiety had slapped me back into the swing of things rather quickly once that exam came into view), or even just getting myself to be a better, more productive person (getting up at a time that allows me to hit the gym in the morning so that I can be more energized for the rest of the day, or reading a book instead of scrolling thoughtlessly through Facebook).

There are so many things that I want to stop doing and replace them with things that I know I should start doing . . . yet it's been so hard for me lately. Especially after coming back from Israel on a major high. I came back a week before school started and for some reason had the most difficult time getting myself to do even just some of the things I had felt so inspired to do while I was on the two-week learning program abroad. And I'm referring to simple things- praying for just ten minutes in the morning (literally only ten minutes), watching what and how much I eat (this has sort of been a long-time goal), and putting more effort into how I dress on a regular basis (I'm trying to drop the sweatpants-sweatshirt look and go for a more presentable style. It was Paris that did this to me).

So every time I would overeat or get to lazy to change out of my sweatpants or say I would pray a bit later and then not . . . I would berate myself in my head. I would feel horrible and get so angry with my lack of willpower. Until I stopped.

I decided that I was done rebuking myself. If I was going to make the wrong decisions, then I would feel the consequences and deal with them until I was tired of dealing with them. I would allow myself to drop to the ultimate low in order to get myself to fully understand that changing was the only way I would and could make myself happy. I would allow myself to overeat and then feel sick and then use that dreadful feeling to stop myself from overeating next time. I would just think back to how awful l felt the last time I made that mistake, and use that as my impetus to not overeat again. Or I would not pray and then deal with the sour feeling that came with skipping out on my personal meeting with G-d (as I would like to put it).

As in, I knew what were the right things to do and what would ultimately make me a happier person at the end of the day- but for some reason making the right decisions was the hardest thing to do. And this isn't to say that this doesn't still happen. I write this in the past tense because previously I did not know how to deal with this issue. But now I have started utilizing this tactic and I am noticing results.

I've learned an important psychological fact (or at least this is how my brain seems to work). The more you tell yourself not to do something, the more you will subconsciously want to do it. Next time you are trying to abstain from doing something you KNOW is going to leave with you a negative outcome and that you know is wrong, tell yourself to do it. Grab that extra pizza, don't change your outfit, continue to procrastinate. Because then your brain says, "Wait, what? You're supposed to tell me the right thing to do." It's like an unruly teenager who just wants to say no because they don't want to feel like someone else is in control of them, but in reality, they know their parents are right and they truly do want their parents' guidance. But if their parents all of a sudden tell them to do all the wrong things, the teenager will no longer want to fight against what the parents were originally saying. Because they want that guidance- they just don't want you to know. We all in a sense do this. We don't like being told what to do, and would much rather do things on our own terms and because we made the decision for ourselves.

Try it next time you encounter this struggle. I'm doing it right this minute. I know I should go to the gym tonight, but my brain is making excuses as to why I don't really need to. So, I'm now telling myself, "OK, don't go to the gym." And then my brain goes, "No, but I really do need to, and now I have anxiety about not going to the gym because I'm now thinking about how I won't reach my fitness goals if I don't commit commit to working out everyday. Since you're not telling me, I really need to tell myself".

Outsmart your brain. It (or rather- you) will thank you for it later.

Some More Of Realizing Stuff

          I write this blog post as I sit on a plane from Barcelona to Miami. I am coming from Israel, where I spent a week and a half on a religious learning program. I don’t really know how to organize all of my thoughts and experiences so that they can be presented as coherent ideas, so I’m going to write them all in this single blog post. I honestly don’t think I can do my thoughts and feelings justice through writing, but I will try my best to convey them as best I can.

         Though I have only been gone for a week and a half, I feel like I was in some kind of alternate universe for a much longer period of time. I’ll explain:

         This program I had the privilege to be a part of was based in Jerusalem, Israel. We were a group of 8 girls from all over the United States- Georgia, New York, Miami, New Jersey, D.C., etc. I was looking forward to this program for two reasons:

• To come back to Israel.
• To grow as a person, which is the overall aim of this program- to take driven young adults and give them the tools to use their full potential.

         I had done the pre-req to this program a year and a half ago (the last time I was in Israel). A lot has changed (as you know if you have read my previous posts) since the last time I was on such a program. My mindset, knowledge, environment, and friend group have evolved tremendously.

         But there was one aspect that I had not known would have such an effect on me. The people that I have met on this program have been an experience in and of itself. In a week and a half I have met and become close with people who I would like to call my long-term friends. What was so special about these people? Their commitment to growing and evolving as people, their drive to stand out even when their goals and ambitions are not supported by the people who should be supporting them the most- Not to mention their genuine outlook towards life and just simply being genuine people.

         I tend to be really hard on myself and often feel like I’m not doing enough in life and that I don’t really have anything to be truly proud of. But during one of our morning classes, as I sat at a table with these wonderful people, I realized that I must be somewhat of their caliber if I am on this program with them.  I don’t write this to brag or just to say that I’m cool or smart or etc. I’m writing this because this realization deeply affected me and I think there is a deeper implication that others can learn from as well. Well actually there are several things:

•  Surround yourself with people who hold character traits you would like to possess. We tend to grow off of the people we spend the most amount of time with.
• Look around yourself. Who are your friends? What are they like? The people whom you surround yourself with and choose as your friends say a lot about you and tell others a lot about you.
• Put things into perspective. As in, don't be so hard on yourself if have your head in the right direction and are setting goals for yourself. Just because you’re not doing something in relation to your goals every minute or even day of your life, that does not mean that you aren’t worthy of feeling proud of yourself and comfortable with where you are at this point in your life.
• Sometimes it takes a completely new environment and set of people to make you realize where and who you are, and what you stand for. For example, being removed from my regular group of friends and people who I usually hang out with, and into an environment of completely new people whose goals and values resonate with mine… reminded me of what I truly value and how I really would like to be. Like I mentioned in my previous blog post, this semester was my first at a new school and basically, everything from the environment to the people is really different from that of my old school. This is really a very nonspecific example because I don’t want to go into too many details, but the point is it isn’t exactly the environment that is conducive to the values I have always stood by.

         There is another major thought/realization I had about people on this trip. Basically, Israeli people intimidate me. They’re really tough and could be really rude. So to mask my intimidation and (I’ll admit it- fear) I put on a serious, straight face and treated them with the same rude and impatient demeanor. But I hated doing this. I know they don’t feel a hatred towards me and that they would be of help if I needed it (people in Israel won’t hold the bus for you and will shove you without an apology if you’re in their way, but if you get lost and ask someone for directions or if you get hurt and are in need of assistance- they’ll stop everything for you). People really do take care of each other- but just throw in some tough love as well.  

         And ESPECIALLY, it is important to treat every person kindly. This may seem obvious and sound childish, but I understand this now more than ever before. Just yesterday, there was a terrorist attack in Jerusalem. 4 people were murdered. People my age. They were standing at a popular tourist attraction when a truck driver ran them over as they were standing by their bus. I was just in Fort Lauderdale, where there was a shooting. I had three friends going through that airport that day. My best friend’s cousin, several of my family members and I were leaving the next day as well. My friend’s cousin was there when it occurred, my friend’s flight was delayed an hour thank G-d because otherwise she would have been at the airport when the shooting occurred. I was supposed to be at the airport that day, but my sister and I had decided to leave the next day. Point is- anything can happen to anybody at any time. We don’t know. Those 20 year olds murdered yesterday in Israel were people I know. Yes, I have friends that age who live in Israel. I KNOW those people. They're every other person I know. Just people like me, thinking about what 20 year olds think about. One of the people hit by the truck (who survived, thank G-d) I actually had met last summer. He was my tour guide for a day. Nobody would think that a year and a half later, he would almost lose his life. Everyone is in the same boat- trying to get by and live life. Let’s treat each other kindly.

         Furthermore, this time around in Israel I really made sure to make it my own. If you keep up with my blog, then you know that I started it to share how I had overcome anxiety (specifically social anxiety). However, anxiety is something everyone has in one form or another. And it’s totally normal (A Response To A Friend Regarding Overcoming Anxiety). I actually wrote about how my anxiety had gotten in my way last time I visited Israel (Negative Experience? Maybe You Needed It). Well, it was getting in my way again. All of my friends were going out on their own to see their friends or just to do whatever they wanted. Meanwhile, I was too afraid to step out the apartment on my own. I had been in Israel for two months last summer and travelled alone to my internship everyday. I knew the area around where I was staying. I could get to the supermarket and center of town. I could even get to Tel Aviv if I wanted to. Why was I so afraid? I love this country so much, yet I’m afraid of it? I couldn’t stand it. I so badly wanted to let it go and escape my fear, but I always made some excuse in my head.

         One of my best friends was coming to the Western Wall and so I told her I would meet her there. I made sure I had enough money for the bus and light rail, and left without giving myself time to make excuses. I hopped onto the bus, bought myself some more rides (conversation with the bus driver was a bit of a fix, but it worked out), jumped onto the light rail right before it left and walked the 15 minutes from my stop through the Old City of Jerusalem and to the wall. Let me tell you, it was the most liberating feeling EVER.

         I felt like I had freed myself from my captive (which is myself, really). I felt like I was in my favorite movie. It felt like everything was 3D, or animated . . . surreal almost. And I was so damn happy. I loved not being part of a group. I loved the independence. Up until then I was sitting on buses looking out the window, wondering about what these people were like and what it was like to be one of them. And here I was being one of them (almost). When I spoke to or made eye contact with someone else, it was my interaction. It was I and not my group or my friends. I only came to love the country and the people even more.

         Point is- get out of your comfort zone. Don’t tell yourself it will be easy or that it will go well. Just do it. The universe was telling me this. One of the people I met on my trip and who I have become friends with, had travelled all over Europe by herself. She is my age. It is so inspiring to me. Then in Florida, while I was making the decision whether or not to go parasailing, I met another woman who had travelled the entire world by herself. She said you can live a life of safety and have it be boring, or go out there and live a life of excitement and make the most out of it. I then went parasailing 😊.

         Once you free yourself of your own chains, life becomes so much more beautiful and REAL. I only want to go back to Israel and be even more independent and I can’t wait for the opportunity to do it!

         What else have I learned??

         So much.

•  Learn, learn, learn. There is so much to learn. About the world, about people, different ways of life, etc. So much.
• The American life is truly a life of luxury and you don’t realize it until you leave the country.
• There are people who know how to think and those who don’t. Simply put. Open up your mind. Do things that other people aren’t. Question whether there might be something more or different. Then find those things.
• People are an experience. Get to know others. They will surprise you. People are not always open books. Almost never, actually.
• Delve into the negative and repeat that which you want to stop doing- until you become so tired and hateful of it that you don’t even have to try to overcome it because you just will. Example: I was afraid of being alone and so I let myself have this fear and let the frustration grow on me, until it came to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and did that which I was afraid to do in order to keep my sanity. I know- weird example. But not forcing myself or making myself feel bad for not being independent, actually led to me forcing myself out of it without trying because I was just so tired of being scared. Same with social media- I was getting obsessed with it. So much so that wherever I went all I thought about was what picture I was going to post onto Instagram. I knew I was being immature, but all I wanted was another picture to post on to my account. So I let myself be obsessed… and I naturally came to the point where I had enough and got tired of it on my own. I don't know if this would work in every case, but it sure does for many.

         And lastly (though most definitely not least)- being grateful.

Being grateful for the experience, the opportunity, the people, the place, the good and the bad. I thank G-d and my parents for this experience. I have grown tremendously and couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my winter break.

         To learning and opening up our minds.

When You "Like, Start Realizing Stuff"

Everybody made fun of Kylie Jenner for saying that 2016 would be the year of realizing stuff (I have to throw in an LOL here because it really was hilarious).

Although it did sound silly and people are realizing things all the time... and I guess specifically 2016 could've been the year, though I think (and many people would agree) that this year has been rather confusing in many ways.

Anyhow...

This post is about realizing things....
but on a deeper level.

If you read my last post, then you've been updated on my major life change (though the major life change isn't really the important part).

The important point for me to make is what I now know- how I went from being so confused, lost, and thinking that one of the best things that had ever happened to me had slipped right out of my hands - to living out a dream of mine and being given a wonderful opportunity. The important point for me to make is realizing that seemingly bad things at times occur in order for better things to take their place.

Have you ever thought about your life and the things that happen to you, as a story? Just how in movies and books, the little events (the minor mentioning of a seemingly random person or something or other) lead to major occurrences. When watching and reading movies and books, you know that the plot starts and ends somewhere and that there is a purpose and a mission and that everything leads to something major. However, during our lifetimes we are unaware of where things are going. It's not like there is a synopsis we can read over. We are not given a choice to pick which life we would like to live.
------ -------- -------- -------- ---------
I wrote the previous several paragraphs several days ago. I had a mental block when trying to finish it- probably because I was trying to cope with an almost 24-hour journey to Israel. I am now here in Israel on a learning program. We discuss religious topics, but also focus a lot on self-growth and life in general. My tutor and I began to discuss faith.

Now, this isn't really about faith. This is more about patience. This is about letting the universe finish its sentences. What do I mean by this?

How many times have you drawn conclusions or freaked out over an occurrence or situation in your life? Something didn't go your way, or something negative happened. We naturally begin to think things are falling apart, I am not going to be happy, this is bad, this can't be good . . .

So some time goes by and something else happens and you realize that that something you were upset over, needed to happen for a reason. If not for that occurrence, X wouldn't have occurred and this X has changed your life for the better.

It has always been a dream of mine to record my music and have it produced. I always imagined I would somehow bump into somebody (in a coffee shop or mall) who could help me do this. I know this is strange. All I knew was that that would (probably) be the only way this dream of mine would come true. I usually have very vivid scenarios play over and over in my head- extremely random and illogical. It's really weird- all I can think to myself is that I am being ridiculous, but then say to myself that I have no idea where those thoughts come from so it's not my fault I'm being ridiculous. I truly am extremely logical. I don't allow my emotions to guide my decision, but rather try to ignore them because I hate having to deal with them. I base my decisions off of logic. If something makes sense to me, I'll choose it and won't allow my emotions to sway me from doing the logical thing.

So I had to switch schools and I was heartbroken- leaving my best friends and the place where I had become the person I had always wanted to be. I had grown so much and was so happy there. I couldn't understand how it could ever turn out for my betterment. And then things got even harder. My school had assigned me Saturday/Sunday clinical dates even though I had told them Saturday I observe the Sabbath and to please give me a religious consideration. Saturday was also the only day I could go to my old school to spend the Sabbath with my friends, and so this meant that I would lose the opportunities to do that. I was so upset the night I found out, I couldn't even focus on my work. I couldn't get myself to do anything.

Long story short- My mother recommended I go to Starbucks with her that afternoon- to get my mind off of things for a bit. It was almost closing time, but there was one other group of people there and they for some reason decided to sit right next to us. These people ended up being the family members of the manager of an up and coming singer. I asked them if I could maybe send some of my songs, and they got me in touch with the manager. Nothing major has happened and nothing more probably will. But in the process of trying to figure out what exactly to send this manager, my best friend referred me to one of her good friends who produces music.

The really crazy part though is that my concern had always been how producing my music would fit in with the rest of my life- school, being with my family . . .
But both the manager and producer are right in my town. And they were around the whole time- I had gone to high school with the producer and the manager lives right down the street from the high school. I didn't have to move or make any major life change that would conflict with my life . . . on the other hand, I had to stay- to be at home. If I was at my old school, I wouldn't have been living at home (would've been up north) and so wouldn't have been able to record my music. I probably would've never met the manager, and if not for meeting the manager I would've never had the issue of needing to get my music professionally recorded and so would've never been referred to the producer (who I have now become friends with)!

But none of this is the point.
I was freaking out. I was so upset about this life change. And although I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and ultimately is for the best (and deep down inside believed this was the case for this occurrence), I was uninspired by it all. I didn't want to deal with it and didn't trust G-d's plan (which of course is better than mine, at least I believe).

I didn't let G-d finish His sentence. "Your life is going to change"... and I start freaking out.... "and something you've been waiting for will happen for you."

This is not a goal... this is a mindset. 
Change your mindset.

By the way, there were several other things that happened that showed me why I had to switch. I had to come to this new school for several reasons- some of which I now know. Although things have changed drastically, I now realize that I was ready for it. I didn't want to let go because I just didn't want things to change and have to deal with it. But then what good would that be if things had not changed? I wouldn't have had much room for growth- which I have been able to do more of. Previously Sabbath was a lot easier to keep because I was always surrounded by my friends. Not being able to keep the Sabbath with them- and having to do it by myself- strengthened my connection to it all because it became hard. I started keeping the Sabbath because I knew it was the right thing to do, more so than because it was the normal thing to do (all of my friends were keeping it too). And so this way I have learned a lot about myself and what it all means to me on a more personal level. I have experienced a tremendous amount of personal growth. After the two years of being satisfied with where I was, G-d was telling me it was time to grow some more. Comfort is not what we should aim for, but rather we should strive for constant growth. 

I've said a lot here.
Grow from what I have shared. Apply it to your own life.
Good luck.