Or worse- have you ever beaten yourself up for these reasons?
I was just thinking the other night and came to an awfully obvious and simple realization that I berate myself all the time for not being or doing things that I wouldn't want to be or do anyway.
Everyone does this. Most people just don't realize it. Think about it. The things we wear, the way we spend our time, the information we put out into the world...
Like for example- how many of us actually enjoy parties? A lot of people do, and a lot of people don't. I never did. And for a long time-like when I was in high school and earlier in college- I thought that was a problem. I thought it was a problem that I didn't want to party or drink. I thought it was something to fix. So I would go to some parties and convince myself to drink (not a lot, but that's not the point). I would go to bars and clubs when the opportunities arose and though it was fun, I can't say it was something I loved.
But I kept telling myself that that wasn't OK. I kept thinking that there was something wrong with the fact that I wasn't into it. Why wasn't I into it? Why couldn't I be the type that was?
Or with how people act. Why am I not as good at gossiping as other people are? Socializing would be a lot easier with most people if I knew how to gossip like they could.
I know this sounds absolutely absurd (to some, at least). Who wants to be the type who gossips a lot or who is good at gossiping (whatever that means)? But I think most of you would know what that means. And as I am getting older, I am learning that even as I grow older- I will always be surrounded by people who are okay with being gossipers, or with being dishonest. The scary thing is that the more I see and hear it- the more alright it seems to become even though I don't want to be this kind of person or be surrounded by them.
Note: In this blog post, I am not referring to people who like to party or drink. Everyone is different and I think people should do what they want to do. I don't judge that way. I am referring to people who are mean just to be mean, or judgmental because it's easy to be. I am referring to people who are your friends sometimes- one minute they're there for you and the next they aren't. They won't save you a seat, but they'll ask you to share your notes. That kind of thing. I'm referring to people who are fake to your face and they're OK with it.
This isn't to say that there are the good and the bad. I don't think that anyone I am referring to is inherently bad. These people aren't bad people (well most of them, at least I believe)- they just don't know how to act. And a lot of times they aren't bold enough to try to find another way to accept themselves. They act the way they do because of insecurities and because they are immature. That's sad.
Anyway...
For some time, I felt like maybe I should be more like that. More fake, more judgmental, more standoffish (although these people have no reason to be standoffish because there is nothing about them that should make them think they are in the position to be). But I didn't want to be this way. If I don't like someone, I won't pretend to like them. I won't be nice or mean. I'll just be friendly. Nice. Normal.
I've been in many circles. I've met people from all backgrounds. And though I know what I want and that there is better- being around toxic people is...well... toxic. And the wrong slowly but surely starts to seem right. I've been in private schools and public schools, religious and non-religious groups, in circles that include the smart and wealthy, and in groups with some of the most classless and emotionally unintelligent people I've ever met. Even when you know there is better, it is hard to act accordingly when you're not surrounded by it. I've realized that there are people who are above all this. They decide for themselves. They act with integrity.
There are those who can look in a person's eyes as if they are cool with them, when just a couple of seconds ago they were talking behind that person's back. I don't get it. And it's not like these are dramatic things. These people will get upset about the smallest things. What someone didn't say, or how what they said was "weird." The amount of times I've heard the word "weird" lately, makes me want to scream. Aren't we all adults? Aren't we all people? I get middle school and high school. But past that? Grow up. Why do you think everything is weird? That's weird.
Why am I writing this?
Because this is the thing that I have been battling with. Somewhere along the way, this type of treatment towards each other became normal to me. There was a point when I tried to be more like that. So that I could get by. Because at a certain point I felt like everyone else was being dishonest with me too. If they are talking about their close friends the way they do, I'm sure they talk about me that way too. If they talk about each other, why wouldn't they talk about me? If they get upset about such minor things- then they're noticing everything I'm doing wrong and judging me. I thought it would be easier to just be like everyone else. The majority of people seem to follow whatever is lying around.
But I can't fake things. I can't say something nasty about somebody for doing or saying something minor. I don't want to be the type of person who finds everything weird or as something that needs to be commented on. If I am friends with somebody, I would never half-ass my friendship with him/her. I would never talk behind my friend's back. Especially not nonchalantly.
And I don't want to be like that.
And I think it's because I'm real with people. I think it's because I have been lucky to have real friends and to know people who aren't like this- who aren't mean and nasty just for the sake of being. I don't understand why so many of these things are OK. I think it may be because these people are surrounded by people who act this way. Perhaps they themselves have never had real friends.
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If you find yourself in a similar predicament or if you have come to realize that you need to be more honest with yourself... realize that it's okay to be different. It's okay to choose an unpopular path. Just because it's less commonly chosen, doesn't mean it's wrong. Perhaps everyone else is wrong and you're right.
If you don't go down the right path, perhaps you'll never know.