How to Break Bad Habits

How I Get Myself Back On Track (How to Outsmart Yourself)

The last time I wrote a blog post was about a month ago, and so much has happened since then.

Well, maybe not that much.
But I feel like it was forever ago that I had come back from Israel. Perhaps this is because I have gone through so many ups and downs emotionally.

Now, I'm not an emotional person. I mean, I guess all people are emotional- but I what I mean is that I don't like being emotional. I don't like feeling a certain way when I know feeling that way is illogical. I prefer to be levelheaded and to do what is rational. So when I'm trying to focus and busy myself and get my mind back on track with school and fitness and whatever else it is that makes me feel like I'm moving along in my desired direction with goals I pan out for myself (sometimes because they provide me with the illusion that I am doing what is "right" and so, therefore, things will work out the way I want them to or the way I would, therefore, expect them to)- and I am physically unable to get myself to do those things because my mind and thoughts are so clouded . . . I get really frustrated with myself.

Perhaps that was a run-on sentence. Anyhow . . .

This has happened and continues to happen (because this is one of those things you encounter throughout your life) in so many ways in my life. When it comes to eating healthy (don't grab for the unnecessary slice of pizza PLEASE), getting myself motivated to do schoolwork (this was just a phase, as I have now had my first exam in my second semester of nursing school and my anxiety had slapped me back into the swing of things rather quickly once that exam came into view), or even just getting myself to be a better, more productive person (getting up at a time that allows me to hit the gym in the morning so that I can be more energized for the rest of the day, or reading a book instead of scrolling thoughtlessly through Facebook).

There are so many things that I want to stop doing and replace them with things that I know I should start doing . . . yet it's been so hard for me lately. Especially after coming back from Israel on a major high. I came back a week before school started and for some reason had the most difficult time getting myself to do even just some of the things I had felt so inspired to do while I was on the two-week learning program abroad. And I'm referring to simple things- praying for just ten minutes in the morning (literally only ten minutes), watching what and how much I eat (this has sort of been a long-time goal), and putting more effort into how I dress on a regular basis (I'm trying to drop the sweatpants-sweatshirt look and go for a more presentable style. It was Paris that did this to me).

So every time I would overeat or get to lazy to change out of my sweatpants or say I would pray a bit later and then not . . . I would berate myself in my head. I would feel horrible and get so angry with my lack of willpower. Until I stopped.

I decided that I was done rebuking myself. If I was going to make the wrong decisions, then I would feel the consequences and deal with them until I was tired of dealing with them. I would allow myself to drop to the ultimate low in order to get myself to fully understand that changing was the only way I would and could make myself happy. I would allow myself to overeat and then feel sick and then use that dreadful feeling to stop myself from overeating next time. I would just think back to how awful l felt the last time I made that mistake, and use that as my impetus to not overeat again. Or I would not pray and then deal with the sour feeling that came with skipping out on my personal meeting with G-d (as I would like to put it).

As in, I knew what were the right things to do and what would ultimately make me a happier person at the end of the day- but for some reason making the right decisions was the hardest thing to do. And this isn't to say that this doesn't still happen. I write this in the past tense because previously I did not know how to deal with this issue. But now I have started utilizing this tactic and I am noticing results.

I've learned an important psychological fact (or at least this is how my brain seems to work). The more you tell yourself not to do something, the more you will subconsciously want to do it. Next time you are trying to abstain from doing something you KNOW is going to leave with you a negative outcome and that you know is wrong, tell yourself to do it. Grab that extra pizza, don't change your outfit, continue to procrastinate. Because then your brain says, "Wait, what? You're supposed to tell me the right thing to do." It's like an unruly teenager who just wants to say no because they don't want to feel like someone else is in control of them, but in reality, they know their parents are right and they truly do want their parents' guidance. But if their parents all of a sudden tell them to do all the wrong things, the teenager will no longer want to fight against what the parents were originally saying. Because they want that guidance- they just don't want you to know. We all in a sense do this. We don't like being told what to do, and would much rather do things on our own terms and because we made the decision for ourselves.

Try it next time you encounter this struggle. I'm doing it right this minute. I know I should go to the gym tonight, but my brain is making excuses as to why I don't really need to. So, I'm now telling myself, "OK, don't go to the gym." And then my brain goes, "No, but I really do need to, and now I have anxiety about not going to the gym because I'm now thinking about how I won't reach my fitness goals if I don't commit commit to working out everyday. Since you're not telling me, I really need to tell myself".

Outsmart your brain. It (or rather- you) will thank you for it later.

Some More Of Realizing Stuff

          I write this blog post as I sit on a plane from Barcelona to Miami. I am coming from Israel, where I spent a week and a half on a religious learning program. I don’t really know how to organize all of my thoughts and experiences so that they can be presented as coherent ideas, so I’m going to write them all in this single blog post. I honestly don’t think I can do my thoughts and feelings justice through writing, but I will try my best to convey them as best I can.

         Though I have only been gone for a week and a half, I feel like I was in some kind of alternate universe for a much longer period of time. I’ll explain:

         This program I had the privilege to be a part of was based in Jerusalem, Israel. We were a group of 8 girls from all over the United States- Georgia, New York, Miami, New Jersey, D.C., etc. I was looking forward to this program for two reasons:

• To come back to Israel.
• To grow as a person, which is the overall aim of this program- to take driven young adults and give them the tools to use their full potential.

         I had done the pre-req to this program a year and a half ago (the last time I was in Israel). A lot has changed (as you know if you have read my previous posts) since the last time I was on such a program. My mindset, knowledge, environment, and friend group have evolved tremendously.

         But there was one aspect that I had not known would have such an effect on me. The people that I have met on this program have been an experience in and of itself. In a week and a half I have met and become close with people who I would like to call my long-term friends. What was so special about these people? Their commitment to growing and evolving as people, their drive to stand out even when their goals and ambitions are not supported by the people who should be supporting them the most- Not to mention their genuine outlook towards life and just simply being genuine people.

         I tend to be really hard on myself and often feel like I’m not doing enough in life and that I don’t really have anything to be truly proud of. But during one of our morning classes, as I sat at a table with these wonderful people, I realized that I must be somewhat of their caliber if I am on this program with them.  I don’t write this to brag or just to say that I’m cool or smart or etc. I’m writing this because this realization deeply affected me and I think there is a deeper implication that others can learn from as well. Well actually there are several things:

•  Surround yourself with people who hold character traits you would like to possess. We tend to grow off of the people we spend the most amount of time with.
• Look around yourself. Who are your friends? What are they like? The people whom you surround yourself with and choose as your friends say a lot about you and tell others a lot about you.
• Put things into perspective. As in, don't be so hard on yourself if have your head in the right direction and are setting goals for yourself. Just because you’re not doing something in relation to your goals every minute or even day of your life, that does not mean that you aren’t worthy of feeling proud of yourself and comfortable with where you are at this point in your life.
• Sometimes it takes a completely new environment and set of people to make you realize where and who you are, and what you stand for. For example, being removed from my regular group of friends and people who I usually hang out with, and into an environment of completely new people whose goals and values resonate with mine… reminded me of what I truly value and how I really would like to be. Like I mentioned in my previous blog post, this semester was my first at a new school and basically, everything from the environment to the people is really different from that of my old school. This is really a very nonspecific example because I don’t want to go into too many details, but the point is it isn’t exactly the environment that is conducive to the values I have always stood by.

         There is another major thought/realization I had about people on this trip. Basically, Israeli people intimidate me. They’re really tough and could be really rude. So to mask my intimidation and (I’ll admit it- fear) I put on a serious, straight face and treated them with the same rude and impatient demeanor. But I hated doing this. I know they don’t feel a hatred towards me and that they would be of help if I needed it (people in Israel won’t hold the bus for you and will shove you without an apology if you’re in their way, but if you get lost and ask someone for directions or if you get hurt and are in need of assistance- they’ll stop everything for you). People really do take care of each other- but just throw in some tough love as well.  

         And ESPECIALLY, it is important to treat every person kindly. This may seem obvious and sound childish, but I understand this now more than ever before. Just yesterday, there was a terrorist attack in Jerusalem. 4 people were murdered. People my age. They were standing at a popular tourist attraction when a truck driver ran them over as they were standing by their bus. I was just in Fort Lauderdale, where there was a shooting. I had three friends going through that airport that day. My best friend’s cousin, several of my family members and I were leaving the next day as well. My friend’s cousin was there when it occurred, my friend’s flight was delayed an hour thank G-d because otherwise she would have been at the airport when the shooting occurred. I was supposed to be at the airport that day, but my sister and I had decided to leave the next day. Point is- anything can happen to anybody at any time. We don’t know. Those 20 year olds murdered yesterday in Israel were people I know. Yes, I have friends that age who live in Israel. I KNOW those people. They're every other person I know. Just people like me, thinking about what 20 year olds think about. One of the people hit by the truck (who survived, thank G-d) I actually had met last summer. He was my tour guide for a day. Nobody would think that a year and a half later, he would almost lose his life. Everyone is in the same boat- trying to get by and live life. Let’s treat each other kindly.

         Furthermore, this time around in Israel I really made sure to make it my own. If you keep up with my blog, then you know that I started it to share how I had overcome anxiety (specifically social anxiety). However, anxiety is something everyone has in one form or another. And it’s totally normal (A Response To A Friend Regarding Overcoming Anxiety). I actually wrote about how my anxiety had gotten in my way last time I visited Israel (Negative Experience? Maybe You Needed It). Well, it was getting in my way again. All of my friends were going out on their own to see their friends or just to do whatever they wanted. Meanwhile, I was too afraid to step out the apartment on my own. I had been in Israel for two months last summer and travelled alone to my internship everyday. I knew the area around where I was staying. I could get to the supermarket and center of town. I could even get to Tel Aviv if I wanted to. Why was I so afraid? I love this country so much, yet I’m afraid of it? I couldn’t stand it. I so badly wanted to let it go and escape my fear, but I always made some excuse in my head.

         One of my best friends was coming to the Western Wall and so I told her I would meet her there. I made sure I had enough money for the bus and light rail, and left without giving myself time to make excuses. I hopped onto the bus, bought myself some more rides (conversation with the bus driver was a bit of a fix, but it worked out), jumped onto the light rail right before it left and walked the 15 minutes from my stop through the Old City of Jerusalem and to the wall. Let me tell you, it was the most liberating feeling EVER.

         I felt like I had freed myself from my captive (which is myself, really). I felt like I was in my favorite movie. It felt like everything was 3D, or animated . . . surreal almost. And I was so damn happy. I loved not being part of a group. I loved the independence. Up until then I was sitting on buses looking out the window, wondering about what these people were like and what it was like to be one of them. And here I was being one of them (almost). When I spoke to or made eye contact with someone else, it was my interaction. It was I and not my group or my friends. I only came to love the country and the people even more.

         Point is- get out of your comfort zone. Don’t tell yourself it will be easy or that it will go well. Just do it. The universe was telling me this. One of the people I met on my trip and who I have become friends with, had travelled all over Europe by herself. She is my age. It is so inspiring to me. Then in Florida, while I was making the decision whether or not to go parasailing, I met another woman who had travelled the entire world by herself. She said you can live a life of safety and have it be boring, or go out there and live a life of excitement and make the most out of it. I then went parasailing 😊.

         Once you free yourself of your own chains, life becomes so much more beautiful and REAL. I only want to go back to Israel and be even more independent and I can’t wait for the opportunity to do it!

         What else have I learned??

         So much.

•  Learn, learn, learn. There is so much to learn. About the world, about people, different ways of life, etc. So much.
• The American life is truly a life of luxury and you don’t realize it until you leave the country.
• There are people who know how to think and those who don’t. Simply put. Open up your mind. Do things that other people aren’t. Question whether there might be something more or different. Then find those things.
• People are an experience. Get to know others. They will surprise you. People are not always open books. Almost never, actually.
• Delve into the negative and repeat that which you want to stop doing- until you become so tired and hateful of it that you don’t even have to try to overcome it because you just will. Example: I was afraid of being alone and so I let myself have this fear and let the frustration grow on me, until it came to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and did that which I was afraid to do in order to keep my sanity. I know- weird example. But not forcing myself or making myself feel bad for not being independent, actually led to me forcing myself out of it without trying because I was just so tired of being scared. Same with social media- I was getting obsessed with it. So much so that wherever I went all I thought about was what picture I was going to post onto Instagram. I knew I was being immature, but all I wanted was another picture to post on to my account. So I let myself be obsessed… and I naturally came to the point where I had enough and got tired of it on my own. I don't know if this would work in every case, but it sure does for many.

         And lastly (though most definitely not least)- being grateful.

Being grateful for the experience, the opportunity, the people, the place, the good and the bad. I thank G-d and my parents for this experience. I have grown tremendously and couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my winter break.

         To learning and opening up our minds.

When You "Like, Start Realizing Stuff"

Everybody made fun of Kylie Jenner for saying that 2016 would be the year of realizing stuff (I have to throw in an LOL here because it really was hilarious).

Although it did sound silly and people are realizing things all the time... and I guess specifically 2016 could've been the year, though I think (and many people would agree) that this year has been rather confusing in many ways.

Anyhow...

This post is about realizing things....
but on a deeper level.

If you read my last post, then you've been updated on my major life change (though the major life change isn't really the important part).

The important point for me to make is what I now know- how I went from being so confused, lost, and thinking that one of the best things that had ever happened to me had slipped right out of my hands - to living out a dream of mine and being given a wonderful opportunity. The important point for me to make is realizing that seemingly bad things at times occur in order for better things to take their place.

Have you ever thought about your life and the things that happen to you, as a story? Just how in movies and books, the little events (the minor mentioning of a seemingly random person or something or other) lead to major occurrences. When watching and reading movies and books, you know that the plot starts and ends somewhere and that there is a purpose and a mission and that everything leads to something major. However, during our lifetimes we are unaware of where things are going. It's not like there is a synopsis we can read over. We are not given a choice to pick which life we would like to live.
------ -------- -------- -------- ---------
I wrote the previous several paragraphs several days ago. I had a mental block when trying to finish it- probably because I was trying to cope with an almost 24-hour journey to Israel. I am now here in Israel on a learning program. We discuss religious topics, but also focus a lot on self-growth and life in general. My tutor and I began to discuss faith.

Now, this isn't really about faith. This is more about patience. This is about letting the universe finish its sentences. What do I mean by this?

How many times have you drawn conclusions or freaked out over an occurrence or situation in your life? Something didn't go your way, or something negative happened. We naturally begin to think things are falling apart, I am not going to be happy, this is bad, this can't be good . . .

So some time goes by and something else happens and you realize that that something you were upset over, needed to happen for a reason. If not for that occurrence, X wouldn't have occurred and this X has changed your life for the better.

It has always been a dream of mine to record my music and have it produced. I always imagined I would somehow bump into somebody (in a coffee shop or mall) who could help me do this. I know this is strange. All I knew was that that would (probably) be the only way this dream of mine would come true. I usually have very vivid scenarios play over and over in my head- extremely random and illogical. It's really weird- all I can think to myself is that I am being ridiculous, but then say to myself that I have no idea where those thoughts come from so it's not my fault I'm being ridiculous. I truly am extremely logical. I don't allow my emotions to guide my decision, but rather try to ignore them because I hate having to deal with them. I base my decisions off of logic. If something makes sense to me, I'll choose it and won't allow my emotions to sway me from doing the logical thing.

So I had to switch schools and I was heartbroken- leaving my best friends and the place where I had become the person I had always wanted to be. I had grown so much and was so happy there. I couldn't understand how it could ever turn out for my betterment. And then things got even harder. My school had assigned me Saturday/Sunday clinical dates even though I had told them Saturday I observe the Sabbath and to please give me a religious consideration. Saturday was also the only day I could go to my old school to spend the Sabbath with my friends, and so this meant that I would lose the opportunities to do that. I was so upset the night I found out, I couldn't even focus on my work. I couldn't get myself to do anything.

Long story short- My mother recommended I go to Starbucks with her that afternoon- to get my mind off of things for a bit. It was almost closing time, but there was one other group of people there and they for some reason decided to sit right next to us. These people ended up being the family members of the manager of an up and coming singer. I asked them if I could maybe send some of my songs, and they got me in touch with the manager. Nothing major has happened and nothing more probably will. But in the process of trying to figure out what exactly to send this manager, my best friend referred me to one of her good friends who produces music.

The really crazy part though is that my concern had always been how producing my music would fit in with the rest of my life- school, being with my family . . .
But both the manager and producer are right in my town. And they were around the whole time- I had gone to high school with the producer and the manager lives right down the street from the high school. I didn't have to move or make any major life change that would conflict with my life . . . on the other hand, I had to stay- to be at home. If I was at my old school, I wouldn't have been living at home (would've been up north) and so wouldn't have been able to record my music. I probably would've never met the manager, and if not for meeting the manager I would've never had the issue of needing to get my music professionally recorded and so would've never been referred to the producer (who I have now become friends with)!

But none of this is the point.
I was freaking out. I was so upset about this life change. And although I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and ultimately is for the best (and deep down inside believed this was the case for this occurrence), I was uninspired by it all. I didn't want to deal with it and didn't trust G-d's plan (which of course is better than mine, at least I believe).

I didn't let G-d finish His sentence. "Your life is going to change"... and I start freaking out.... "and something you've been waiting for will happen for you."

This is not a goal... this is a mindset. 
Change your mindset.

By the way, there were several other things that happened that showed me why I had to switch. I had to come to this new school for several reasons- some of which I now know. Although things have changed drastically, I now realize that I was ready for it. I didn't want to let go because I just didn't want things to change and have to deal with it. But then what good would that be if things had not changed? I wouldn't have had much room for growth- which I have been able to do more of. Previously Sabbath was a lot easier to keep because I was always surrounded by my friends. Not being able to keep the Sabbath with them- and having to do it by myself- strengthened my connection to it all because it became hard. I started keeping the Sabbath because I knew it was the right thing to do, more so than because it was the normal thing to do (all of my friends were keeping it too). And so this way I have learned a lot about myself and what it all means to me on a more personal level. I have experienced a tremendous amount of personal growth. After the two years of being satisfied with where I was, G-d was telling me it was time to grow some more. Comfort is not what we should aim for, but rather we should strive for constant growth. 

I've said a lot here.
Grow from what I have shared. Apply it to your own life.
Good luck.

Life is a TRAIN (On Dealing With Unwelcome Change)

Earlier today I related my life to the train I was riding.

Say what?

Yes, I know. Strange.

Let me back up a little bit and explain what that has to do with the title of this blog post.

The lead-up to my main point is somewhat long, but it is necessary in order to understand the emotions that have led to me to realize what I am sharing with you. My goal is not to share with you my life story and personal achievements, but rather to fully explain where I am coming from with my dramatic comparison (which I will share with you shortly).

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, I recently started a new school. This transition has been very hard for me- leaving my friends, adjusting yet again to a new school (this is my fourth school in six years), and adapting to a new lifestyle.
Yes, I will and already have made new friends, I have adjusted to the school and adapted to the lifestyle (for the most part, at least).

But there is a greater significance to my switching schools.

You see, I had been in two elementary schools, two high schools, and now in two colleges. It wasn't until my first year of college where I actually felt that I belonged, that I felt happy with where I was and who I was. My elementary school years were split in half between two schools. I went from a local public school to a private school in another town. At the time I was awfully shy and had a hard time making friends. I had a hard time transitioning to the private school- I got bullied for a short period of time (funny because we ended up becoming friends), didn't understand what was being said half the time (half the school day was spent learning in Hebrew), and so, therefore, felt extremely out of place. My middle school was connected to my elementary school so it was basically one and the same. Still the same people, school and awkward me.

High school came around and it did not exactly go as planned. I started off at an out-of-state private school that was a struggle in itself to just adjust to. My life went from getting home at 5 pm every day to getting home at 7 pm. I was the first and last stop on the bus, and didn't even get picked up or dropped off at home- I had to drive 10 minutes to my bus stop every morning and have somebody pick me up from the community center where the bus dropped me off. I begged my parents to let me transfer to the local public school (even though I was afraid of that too since I hadn't been in public school since 3rd grade and was used to small schools (I graduated middle school with only 11 people)), but the only other choice they gave me was my sister's boarding school. I was miserable. My life was a mess and in the most positive way possible- it was awful.

Eventually, of course, things got better. But I was never really happy. I was just constantly on the run, never having time for myself. There wasn't really anything to make me want to stay, which is what was so upsetting. Again (but even more strongly), I felt SO out of place. I was the only student from my town, so nobody even knew what it was. I was friendly with basically the few kids from my middle school and several others, but besides for that people didn't even know my name (and this was a school with less than 200 kids so everyone typically knew each other). I felt so awkward and unwelcome. Even now, being as social and talkative as I am, I wouldn't want to socialize with many of those people. And with such a small school, you're either in it or you're not- there is no in-between like in public school. There were just so many reasons why I wasn't happy there.

Summer entering junior year, I decided I was switching to public school. At this point, I wasn't even afraid. I just wanted to get the hell out of my reality.

My two years in public school were great! They really were. It was a major breakthrough for me because I really had to jump into the unknown. I know now that I needed those experiences to make me strong and capable of dealing with life (if you have read my blog posts about overcoming anxiety, then you know that it was so bad that I literally was scared of life).
But still- it was just a stopover for me. I was just a random. And understandably so- I was a new kid, still more on the quiet side.
I made friends, reconnected with people from my first elementary school- and survived. I literally thought I would see kids being stuffed into lockers and such (private school kids are afraid of public school kids- at least where I came from. People from my private school literally asked me how I wasn't scared to go to public school). I had in a sense crossed to the other side- the world where people look and act older, and do things private school kids don't know about. Me out of all people. How could I survive that- you know, being all meek and stuff?

This stage was amazing because I had officially become me- the person I had been working towards. Graduation wasn't just me leaving high school and home- it was the end of my gruesome self-training. I wrote more about this in my other blog posts (How I Overcame Social Anxiety, Enjoying the Journey, Tell Your Story, and several others). I had reached the goals I had set for myself such as being able to start a conversation, not feeling fear for no reason, being able to call someone on the phone comfortably . . . basically, I had become a functional person driven by goals and dreams rather than by fear.

Came college- the absolute best two years of my life thus far. I couldn't ask for a better environment, better people, better experiences, or better me (no pun intended). I had never felt so right in my entire life.
One might say this was the case because I had come to terms with myself. But I don't think that was the reason. It definitely helped make it possible, but all the other factors that go into someone's life had to be present- the group of people, the community, the opportunities, and experiences . . .

For the first time ever in my life, I had a group of friends. Prior, I was a floater. I had a friend here, a friend there- but was a lone soldier for the most part. My friends are the best part. They are still the best part because I am still friends with them even though I am not there. I went back to visit this past weekend and was enwrapped in the same warmth they had given me when I was there all the time. Not getting to be with my favorite people is something that is still a struggle.

Even though I don't get to experience the last 2 years with them, I am so happy I had the privilege to experience the first two. I am so incredibly grateful for those two years.

But this is exactly why I am so upset. For the first time ever, I was comfortable and happy and stable and felt secure . . . and then it came to an end. You see, I had applied to the nursing program at my previous school. It is a very competitive program, but I felt confident in my chances of getting accepted. I received a call in the middle of the summer and was told that I was one of the few students who had received neither an acceptance letter nor a rejection letter- the reason being because there were no more seats and they wanted to offer me a seat in the same exact program that is in another location.

It was and still is difficult to accept the fact that the only reason my life had to change so drastically is because of a lack of room. If I wasn't competitive enough, then fine- I wasn't good enough.

But I was. I was good enough and capable and . . . But it doesn't matter.

So now that you see where exactly I'm coming from, you can understand my frustration. On the one hand, I am proud that I got accepted, but on the other hand, I am so upset about the fact that the acceptance doesn't actually mean much.

So, the train.

I now take the train to school every day. It's a nice ride- perfect for downtime, not too long . . .
Today on my way home from school, I randomly had an interesting thought. While it was playing through my head, I was asking myself- where is this coming from? It didn't feel like I was thinking the thought- but rather like it was being said to me from a corner of my mind that I didn't know exists. And as I was thinking the thought, I was asking myself- what is this leading to???

The train runs some portions in a tunnel and the rest of the tracks are in the open. There is a short period of time during which we ride over the Delaware River. Looking out the window and over the water, it feels sort of like you're flying because you can't see the bridge rails.

And then you go down into the darkness, into the tunnel.
It's like one second you're soaring and then the next, it's over. No more view, just the black tunnel wall. And in those moments, you see your reflection and the inside of the train. In the reflection, I see the other people on the train and a glimpse of their realities- their tired faces that have under-eye bags seemingly molded into them, their ID's, etc.

And everything seems to be flying by (especially if you're sitting backwards as I was)- you are looking towards where you're coming from and you have a clear view of it while on the bridge (the most exciting part), and then you're sucked into the tunnel. Darkness surrounds you and you know that you are no longer where you were before (officially in New Jersey and not Pennsylvania anymore when you cross the bridge). You can't even see that view anymore.

And I thought to myself, that I can't complain. Both directions are taking me to a place where I am blessed to be going. One direction takes me to school- one of the most competitive in the area. To be able to receive such an education is a privilege. To be there is a gift. The other direction takes me home. Even though I miss living with my friends and being at my previous school, I now get to go home and see my family every day. Thank God for my family and my home. I have somewhere to go at the end of the day. Going to school at Philly, I am constantly reminded that this is not the case for everyone.

First I thought all of those thoughts. And then I thought:

This is literally my life (and life, the human experience, in general).
I was out in the open, all happy flying and enjoying a beautiful view- and then suddenly sucked into what seems to me like darkness. We can't always see where things are leading us, but that doesn't mean that they aren't leading us anywhere good. The thoughts and emotions fly by because ain't nobody got time to dwell.
In those moments of darkness, I see a different reality (the inside of the train)- which isn't as exciting as my view of the River. And in the meantime, I'm moving further away from the bridge- the beautiful view. And just because I want to go towards the bridge- doesn't mean that's where I necessarily belong. If the train were to stop and change directions, it would be taking me back towards Philly and away from where I am supposed to be going- home.

I certainly can't say that I feel at home at my new school as much as I did in my previous school, but I do strongly believe that this change had to be made for a reason. Several reasons have been discovered already (stories for a different time).

It is in the darkest times of life that we must reflect on ourselves and that we do reflect on ourselves and the world around us. I felt like by entering the tunnel and seeing my reflection and everyone else on the train- the universe was telling me to look around, notice just how much things have changed- and embrace it. I first saw the beautiful view and was flying high, but I need to stop looking at that constantly. Look at where you are NOW. Give all of these new things opportunities. This is your new reality.

This applies not just to me, not just to those who take trains or to those who are starting a new school. Hell no. This applies to all people and everyone's life.

Stop dwelling on the past, and look towards the future.

Having a hard time? Hate that things had to change?
Well, it's life. So stop dwelling and start seeing, appreciating, opening up your mind, experiencing and most importantly- NOTICING. Notice the little things and the big things, the long-lasting and short-lasting, the good and the bad. Notice it all, because this is your reality. And unless you have a time machine (which you don't) . . . hehehe sorry just had to remind you . . .

Let go of the past and move towards the future.
Move with assurance, excitement, and passion.
It's OK to be upset. Be upset --> let go.

Best of luck.

Save Yourself From Your Future Regrets!!!

It has been exactly 2 months since I last wrote a blog post, and absolutely nothing is the same. In this short span of time, I have taken 6 courses (most people don't even take this many during a three-month period) and completed a very time-consuming and rather stressful list of pre-reqs for nursing school. This includes immunization shots and a hell of a lot of blood work. The nurse asked me which shoulder she should use for the shot, and I actually had to go over which would be the best option (my upper left arm has already suffered pain from last week's shot and my right antecubital has experienced bruising from blood work). Yes, I did indeed use the anatomical term for the front of my elbow. Thank you summer anatomy physiology course.

This hectic life of mine got me thinking (of course after it was all over with- there was absolutely no time to think/ponder about anything unrelated to nutrition, anatomy physiology or microbiology)- what does all of this mean? The stress, the hours spent studying, all of the many times I had to turn down opportunities to do something fun with my friends (during the freaking summer, which wasn't really much of a break so I won't call it exactly that). I know I need all this stuff for nursing school, and of course I have to go to nursing school because that is the career I chose... yada yada yada...

But when it's all said and done and I'm a nurse and 30 years old or whatever... how will I view all of this? Yes, I will be happy I have a job and obviously that is a major deal, but this commitment means I can't fully commit to other things in my life. It means I'm spending majority of my time doing nursing-related stuff... which means I'll be missing out on other things.

And that scares me.

I have been reading a lot of articles about what 30-year-olds would like to say to their 20-year-old selves, and what things people will regret tremendously in 10 years from now- not because I'm delving into this fear and trying to save myself, but because they've sort of been popping up in emails and on Facebook (is this the universe trying to tell me something?)

The two that I read that I enjoyed:
This and That!

I always love these kinds of reads because they provide a lot of valuable information from people of other walks of life. They provide information that I would not know otherwise. How would I, as a 20-year-old, know what I can do over the next 10 years to lessen the chances of my regretting something major? How could I even know or predict what I may possibly regret? Like letting fear control my decisions, or not giving enough credit to my failures (I wouldn't want only to realize when I am older that failures could've been viewed in a more positive way, or realize that they did indeed end up making me a stronger person). Or maybe not giving enough attention to my friends and not cultivating my friendships (not looking at the busy times in my life- but rather when I actually do have the time and don't take the opportunity to inquire about them). Or that I may regret not reading more? Or that maybe it is actually better to trust people and give them all the trust you got until they give you a reason not to.

Being that I am trying to be a more proactive person, this is one of the major aspects of my life that I am trying to focus more attention towards- making the right decisions AT THE RIGHT TIME.

With the small things too. After reading the part about cultivating relationships, I texted some of my closest friends and wished them good luck with school (or I just texted them something really random/silly, because who wouldn't appreciate that?). I realized that being that friend is important and I should make sure I let them know that I'm thinking of them. Because isn't that how people fall out of friendship? Time apart and not making enough of an effort to get together or see how they're doing? And then people regret not putting in more effort or wish they were still friends with those people? Na, I ain't going that path.

I decided to make a list of things that I want to start doing. Cultivating my relationships is one of them. Spending more time doing things that I KNOW for a FACT I will one day regret not putting more time towards (Youtube videos, blogging). And especially things that I would not have thought of beforehand (the little things that make life simply nicer) like going on more early-morning walks (when the sun just came up and there is fog on the ground and the air is cool and crisp), giving my younger siblings more attention (not that they need it, but I should give them more attention and offer to help with homework even if they won't end up needing it because one day I may look back and feel that maybe I should've spent more time with them when we all lived in the same house. And what better way is there to spend with someone you love, than by helping them?)

I think of all the little things I enjoy now that I might not be able to enjoy in the future. I think of all the things I KNOW I should spend more time towards, but that I don't because "life gets in the way" and "I get caught up doing other things." Well, nothing is worth the place of saving yourself from potentially feeling regretful. Nothing. Because other things can change/be mended, but the past cannot be altered. And time is of the essence. I constantly think this to myself. One can have tons of money, smarts, friends, etc. But if you don't consider the time that you have with all of those things/people, then simply having those things doesn't mean much. If you have the money to go on vacation and friends to hang out with, and don't make time for that vacation or your friends- then what good are they? With time - things come and go. Time is a measurement- a measurement of how much you've grown, how much you've accomplished, etc. Time is also a continuum- once the time is passed or over, there is no getting it back. Take it seriously and don't take it for granted. 

Imagine yourself ten years from now. What do you see?
What have you accomplished?
What do you miss about your past (which is now, because you are just imagining)?
What do you wish you spent more time doing?

Really consider all of these questions. Write down your thoughts. Make your own list.

To a future of much success and happiness.

Reflections on a Moment

I wasn't sure what to name this post because it is so short and not on any single idea. This is really just a thought I have about something that I saw a while ago (and I still remember it because it affected me that much).

Maybe I take little things too seriously or too much to heart. This had absolutely nothing to do with me- it was simply someone's treatment towards another person that I noticed and thought was very interesting. I am unintentionally making this sound dramatic (when it absolutely isn't)!

This is such a small, should-be-insignificant moment.

It was during finals of last semester (I have been that busy that I haven't had time to write this short post since school ended in May).

Anyway, finals time is a very stressful time of the school year. The only comforting thing about this stressful period is that all of your peers are going through the same stress and you all go through it together.

I was standing outside my classroom one day, waiting for the previous class to end. A girl from my class was standing next to me and there were students standing/sitting all along the walls of the hallway.

Suddenly, a random boy started talking to the girl next to me. He was telling her about how stressed he was, and how he wasn't sure how he could get through it.

This was a completely random boy randomly telling a completely random girl he didn't know how he would get through the stressful week.

I stood there confused. It didn't seem like they knew each other, but on the other hand there he was all of a sudden telling her how stressed he was.

The girl just listened to what he had to say. She didn't look at him like he was weird, or confused about why he was telling her this or talking to her. She just listened to him vent to her for a minute before assuring him that he would be OK. He proceeded telling her that he was just very stressed and just wanted the week to be over. She nodded and smiled and then he walked away.

I don't know why this blew me away- maybe because I'm not used to people acting so nonchalantly, or maybe because I myself don't usually randomly talk to strangers. But I don't think that girl did either.

It was just how she was so nice about it- listening to him even though she didn't know him and not acting weirded out- just listening.

I thought how I might have reacted had I had a random person talk to me like that- I probably would've acted confused or somewhat weirded-out.

But I liked how she reacted and that she reacted the way she did- and would like to be that accepting of others.

It would be cool if people would be that chill more often.

And that's it- really nothing major. That just really hit me for some reason.