Living as the Highest Versions of Ourselves

Well, it's been 3 months since I've written a blog post. That's how I know I've been truly busy. 

There are so many experiences I've had in such a short period of time. Where to begin?

So much I have learned- things I have realized, accepted, changed, applied to my life, let go of...

I want to share one realization/experience. 

The other week, I experienced a moment of intense truth. Perhaps an epiphany. Not quite sure. 

I was exhausted.
Exhausted from all the noise. Noise from thoughts playing over and over in my head, focusing on external things, social media, other people, trying to figure out if I'm doing well, trying to find myself in various settings of my life that are all so contrasting. I feel like 3 different people. I can't be the same person in all the settings in which I exist. Or at least I don't know how to be. That's something I'm still trying to figure out. 

Through all the chaos, I lost my clarity. 

I couldn't hear myself trying to pipe through all the static that was everything around me. 

As I took a moment to say Maariv (evening prayer), I paused to share some of my thoughts with G-d. Except I couldn't find words. And even if I could, I didn't want to speak them. Because words couldn't express what I was feeling. 

I felt stuck. 

And what I suddenly thought to myself was: I want to find myself. 

Not find myself in what I do or how I spend my time, my career, job, friends or religion. 

No. I wanted to find who I am at my core. 

So I got very quiet and let everything else go. I let go of what I was feeling on the outside, who I was with, where I was before, and where I was going afterward. 

I suddenly found myself so in tune with the reality of who I really am- my true desires, goals, and aspirations... my clarity, internal compass... the voice that had been trying so hard to be heard. 

My energy healer once told me that the voice we need to listen to is often the one that is quieter. 

I was finally able to hear that voice. 

I knew it was that voice because for the first time in a long time I felt free. I felt happy and grateful. Even things that had upset me... I was just so grateful they happened because I understood they helped me to grow. I suddenly felt full. Full of joy, pride, and happiness. What had been pain suddenly became inspirational. What had been sadness suddenly became happiness. I felt honesty, forgiveness, truth, and self-love. 

I was so happy, I began to cry. I just thought, "Oh my gosh, this is what I have been looking and waiting for. This is the truth. This is where I want to stay." 

I cried mostly because I realized just how much I truly loved that person. 

Just how truly I loved myself. 

When I was finally able to reach and meet her... and be her for a moment, I wanted to continue to exist as her. Rather than existing as a version of myself molded by falsity. Rather than exiting as the version who needed to fit into other people's definitions of "normal" or "acceptable."

As I came back to grounding myself to where I was in that moment- surrounded by other people and not in the right environment to cry hysterically (and either way how could I explain all this to someone who could've asked me why I was seemingly upset)- I had to disconnect myself from that highest version of myself. 

At that moment, I couldn't embrace her without being emotional. 

But I was so happy to know that she would be there (just as she had been there all along), for when I could reconnect and grow closer and closer to her until I would be her. 

That brought me to today. I saw a journal prompt that asked: how can I love myself even deeper?

And my response came to me suddenly: I can love myself more deeply by genuinely embracing who and what I am by turning inwards to inquire what my true and highest self would do, how she would react, what she would say and choose... because I love who I truly am and I can actively continue to love myself by embracing life (with its loves and losses) through her. If I am the highest version of myself who I love, how could I not love myself?  If anything, I will love myself more than I ever have. 

As the highest version of myself, I will not chase. I will attract. I will be kind, giving, understanding, and genuine. I will follow my own lead, instead of following another's. I will do what is right for me, instead of seeking direction and guidance from others who cannot offer it to me. I will live by truth and clarity. 

Every choice will be made by me as the highest version of myself. 

I want this, not that. 

This is right for me. That is not right for me. 

This person belongs in my life. That person does not belong in my life. 

I embrace this. I let go of that. 

These thoughts serve me. Those thoughts are being released from my mind's soundtrack. 

Be still. Be quiet. Disconnect to reconnect. 

It may take more than one try. 

But sooner or later, you will meet yourself and it will be evident. 

Your truth will be self-evident. 

My Grandfather

My grandfather. An intellectual, physician, historian, Refusenik. A quiet man who had very strong and firm beliefs, and a lot to say. The person who believed in me most, always encouraged me to reach my full potential, and instilled so much pride in me for where I come from and who I am.

My favorite photo of him, which I unfortunately do not have, was in New York after he came here as a refugee from the former Soviet Union. He attended a gathering in support of Soviet Jews, who had still been stuck in Russia. My other favorite photo of him was taken in Israel, which was his biggest dream. He actually had every intention of going to Israel when leaving Russia, and not the USA, but my family was given permission to go only to the USA.

I think that if he had the opportunity to be in my position- having freedom, growing up in the USA, receiving an education not censored by a communist government, opportunities to speak up for important matters- he would have. Everything he was and everything he wanted me to be, I have encompassed. Intentionally and unintentionally. And I think he knew I would. He saw himself in me. 

My grandfather in medical school, in Russia. 

Everything I do comes from a place of passion. But more importantly, it comes from understanding my responsibility. To those before me and those who couldn’t and still can’t do what I have the privilege to do. 

He had Alzheimer’s and couldn’t remember who I was for the last 2 years of his life. I spent all the time I could with him knowing we didn’t have long. I wrote him a song. I made him a photo album which he kept looking at with the same excitement each time because he would forget he had already looked through it. The very last time I saw him he had remembered who I was, for the first time since he had initially forgotten me 2 years prior. Actually, I was the only person in the room he could name. He passed 3 days later. 

Several years later I volunteered at an Alzheimer’s center in Israel, where I worked particularly with older Russian speaking individuals who had also left the former Soviet Union. My grandfather was quite literally one of them. My being there was very fitting. It was another way for me to give back. It was bringing everything full circle.

I carry his photo with me everywhere I go. As a reminder and as inspiration. When I think of him, I think of all the things I could do right. 

“When I die
If you need to weep
Cry for someone
Walking the street beside you.
You can love me most by letting 
Hands touch hands, and
Souls touch souls.
You can love me most by
Sharing your goodness and
Multiplying your acts of kindness.
You can love me most by
Letting me live in your eyes
And not on your mind.
Love doesn’t die
People do.
So when all that’s left of me is love
Give me away.”

- When All That's Left Is Love, Rabbi Allen S. Maller

Two Year Work Anniversary

Today is my two year anniversary working as a registered nurse 👩🏻‍⚕️ Also the week when COVID became a thing back in 2020 😪 Meaning I was working as a brand new float nurse (which already was the position that new and even seasoned nurses stayed away from because of how challenging it is) while also dealing with constantly changing standards for a pandemic that no one knew anything about. I don’t think there will ever be anything that can compare to starting my nursing career during the first global pandemic since… I’m not even sure 😑 Or those times when I was sent to the ICU with no formal introduction… that was interesting to say the least 😳

There are many things that challenging experience taught me, but probably the most important is to simply keep moving forward and that hard times don’t last forever even though sometimes they feel like they will. I knew I wanted to work in the field of aesthetic medicine, and had even written out a whole plan when I graduated for how I was going to achieve that goal. But the beginning of the journey… well, it sucked. And it came with other challenges too. But it makes it all the more worthwhile to know that one could start in the last place they could have ever wanted or imagined, and end up (with guts and hard work and help from God lol) where they alway wanted to be🙏🏻

Oh, and this is my first headshot since like high school so yeah 🤓

Let Go Let God

Earlier this week I had an opportunity to attend another amazing @NeveYerushalaim class. We discussed making decisions and dealing with fear of the unknown. 

If nothing is pulling us towards one choice or the other… how are we to know which direction to take? 

The thing though is that we aren’t always meant or expected to know. 

After all, we do not have the ability to know the future or the outcome of everything. 

If something is out of your control or out of range of the tools with which humans are gifted (which does not include telling the future), then it’s not your issue to oversee the outcome. Only to make the best choice possible considering what you know and are capable of in that moment. 

“Let go and let G-d.” 

Funny enough, I first heard this line years ago on the Oprah show. I don’t remember who the guest speaker was and it was kind of random because I didn’t really watching Oprah all that much. But it resonated.

We might think this is limiting. I used to think that it was just making excuses for ourselves. But the more we experience, the more we realize how many things just aren’t up to us. This isn’t about giving up. This is about creating healthy boundaries for ourselves. Not driving ourselves into the ground or living in fear. It’s about facing reality in the most practical way, actually.

We can try our best to stay healthy, but we can’t change our genetics which happen to have a major impact on if we get sick or develop a certain condition. We can work out night and day but our bodies will only change so much depending on how they’re built. We can study as hard as we want, but if we aren’t born geniuses we most likely won’t become that no matter how much we pour ourselves over books. And there is absolutely no way that we will ever be able to know which decisions to make with 100% certainty every time. 

But then again that’s not why we are here… to know everything and have all the answers. Then life wouldn’t be… life. 

And if you do make the wrong decision (which we are all bound to make), then trust that that too will lead you to where you are meant to be. 

What Do We Do In the Face of Evil?

Reading the Aryeh Kaplan Anthology. He touched on some points that are very relevant and got me thinking. This won’t resonate with everyone.

“People must learn how to use knowledge for the good. We have the knowledge to create great societies and make great technological strides, but don’t always have the moral strength to use them for good.”

But why doesn't God intervene?

“As long as He is hidden, we can strive toward Him, and attain the Godly. But we do this as a matter of free choice. If God were to reveal Himself, then people would no longer be able to exist as a free entity.”

What are we to do?

There are people who choose evil, and this is part of the human experience in this world. But you too have the choice to use your free will to choose between right or wrong.

Use your free will, and the blessings that come with that, for good. Choose the righteous path. Stand up against evil. Help others. Do kind deeds. Assist where and when you can. 

At the end of the day we will never be able to entirely eradicate evil or bring on perfect world peace… but we can choose for ourselves how to respond and what energy and values we want to create and share. We can bring more positivity, kindness and good into the world if we so choose. In big and small ways. On personal levels and broader areas of our lives. 

And that is the beauty, despite the times of darkness, of being human. We can choose, with our free will, right over wrong and good over evil. 

You Are Not Perfect

I hate when people say things like, ”You’re perfect just the way you are. Don’t change.” 

Well, you’re not. 

I’m not saying that to hurt anyone’s feeling, to be rude, or to sound negative…

I’m not saying that you aren’t amazing. I’m sure you’re all wonderful people. 

However, we as humans are not perfect, are not meant to be, and never will be. 

Imperfection, actually, is a beautiful thing because it gives us opportunity to grow and develop ourselves.

That doesn’t mean you need to change how you look, your hobbies, your sense of humor. 

It simply means you should seek to develop yourself on a regular basis. 

How can you be kinder, more giving, more confident in yourself and your values?

We need to stop talking about perfection as if it exists. As if it’s something we should strive for.

No. That should not be the goal. And that’s not healthy anyway.

We are here to evolve, grow and CHANGE for the better. 

We are here to improve ourselves and overcome our challenges through knowledge and wisdom. 

Instead of telling each other that we’re perfect and don’t need to change (these are empty words anyway and really don’t actually mean anything), let’s say something more impactful like, “You’re a valuable human being with a lot to offer the world and those around you. You’re focusing on being the best version of yourself and that is a beautiful thing. Keep going.”

The Scary Thing About Reaching Your Dreams

The scary thing about reaching your dreams is reaching your dreams.

It’s no longer, “When I get there, it will be like this or I will be like that…”

Because you’re living the reality of what you alway once could have only imagined.

Will you still sometimes falter? Look like an idiot? Question yourself?

Hell yeah.

Soak it all up, pause to smell the roses… but don’t stop there. 

This isn’t the end.

It’s just the beginning. 

Things To Remember

 Thanks to being quarantined (this from 2 weeks ago), I’ve had the opportunity to listen to tons of awesome podcasts from @impacttheory @womenofimpact and @melrobbins. These are some pointers I wrote down for myself that I think are worth sharing ☺️

🔅 Everything happens for us to help us evolve. We are meant to go through challenges in order to change for the better and grow into the next best versions of ourselves. Stop holding on to who you think you are or who you were before. We are not the same people we were a year ago or five years ago, and that just might be a good thing.
🔅 Just because we see ourselves a certain way, it doesn’t mean others see us that way as well. Our insecurities are magnified in our own minds. 
🔅 Imposter syndrome is something that even some of the most successful people experience.
🔅 Resiliency is a skill that must be l
earned and practiced on a regular basis. 
🔅 Never fail to support and cheer for yourself. You will be more empowered and everything will be easier, faster and more fun