Perspective

How do you know if the way that you see things is the way that they really are?

What if u see something- a situation, let's say- in a certain way, but in reality, it's not really like that?

I didn't really know how to write this blog post when I first thought about it a couple of months ago and saved the idea on my phone. I think now is the right time to write about it. My situation is a bit extreme, but maybe some of you will be able to relate. And if you can't, maybe you will find this helpful in some other way. 

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Growing up, I was a very shy kid and had a lot of anxiety. (I have written a lot more about this in my other blog posts, so if you want to read up more about that and advice on overcoming shyness/anxiety, this blog offers tons):
2 Quick Fixes to Anxiety
How I Overcame Social Anxiety 

Besides experiencing the regular side effects of shyness/anxiety- fear of socializing, not understanding how to confront others, constantly feeling unsure of oneself- I was extremely paranoid. 

I constantly felt that people were out to get me. If I was in a crowded place, I felt like people were talking about me and judging me negatively. I felt like random people simply had something against me as if I had done something wrong. Most of the time I didn't question these thoughts. They were simply true to me- I just accepted them. As I got older and started questioning them, I would really try to understand the situation that was causing me to feel paranoid. 

Let me give you a few examples of the types of situations that I spent time trying to understand/ the situations that forced me to reevaluate my perspective on different scenarios:

• 4th grade started at a new school, didn't socialize with anybody because I felt they all automatically didn't like me. This made no sense though because they were all friendly. However, I still felt that it couldn't possibly be that they liked me. 

• Middle School, constantly felt paranoid about how people viewed me, always thought that they thought that I was weak, quiet, not very bright (because I was quiet and socially awkward (at least I thought that everyone else thought that)), got into an argument with 2 friends because I thought they had something against specifically me, took to heart every comment everybody made and came home from school upset every single day (literally) because of all the "mean things people said/did". 

• The first 2 years of high school, constantly felt that even my close friends didn't really like me, believed that others thought I was weak, quiet, not very bright. 

Tips for keeping a healthy perspective:

• Write in a journal about how you feel about a situation. This helps to get you thinking about details from a logical perspective. 

• Talk to somebody you trust about your situation and your perspective. I have to do this a lot because I miss little details and know that I often view things in a skewed manner. This way, I can get someone else's view and understanding of the situation. 

• Give yourself time. A few days at least. This way, you give yourself time to authentically evaluate the situation and a proper way to respond. I recommend reading my other blog post, 

• Stop thinking like a victim. Realize that no one is out to get you. It's all in your head. 

• Know that you are not the only one who does this. You're not always right. 

• Get busy. Stop thinking so much about other people and their opinions. You are your own person who has things to get done. You don't have time to waste thinking about nonsense. 

• Speak regularly with someone you trust. Don't complain, rather just explain how you feel and get another person's perspective. Make sure you choose someone who is right for this position. 

• Make a list of statements to repeat to yourself every morning to start your day off on a positive note and to remind yourself to not get caught up in your thoughts. 

All of these scenarios were absolutely screwed up in my mind. 

Today, it is hard for me to believe I was that person. I was stuck in my own head. I couldn't form relationships with others. I couldn't make friends. My feelings were constantly being hurt. I was always confused about why people didn't like me.

IT WAS ALL IN MY HEAD.

I thought about all the situations I struggled with, and came to realize none of them were true.

As I started overcoming my shyness/anxiety, everything became clearer to me. 

The people I thought were against me, I realized, simply never had an opinion towards me. 

I was reading all of the signs upside down, out of order, in different colors, and in different directions. 

I was so paranoid, I made up stories in my head. 

I was so bad- as a kid, I would often have temper tantrums, claiming to my parents that my sister (who I am very close with now) was instigating fights with me on purpose. When my parents didn't side with me, I believed that they simply didn't care. I was constantly angry and unhappy. 

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Today, I am so free of this mindset. Even writing this required a jogging of my memory and a feeling of shock at how crazy I was. 

The point of this blog- even though this is a very extreme case- is to always check your perspective. 

I had wasted so much time trying to understand people's actions and worrying about other people's views on me. 

And in the end, I learned that it was me. I was making these assumptions. 

How do you know if the way that you see things is the way that they really are?

What if u see something- a situation, let's say- in a certain way, but in reality it's not really like that?

Tips for dealing with paranoia:

Good luck!

Negative Experience? Maybe you needed it . . .

Sometimes we have negative experiences and feel upset about them. 
Have you ever realized after such an experience, that maybe you needed it?
Say what?
I know that this sounds strange, but it's not really all that crazy. 

As I have mentioned previously on this blog, I have dealt with a lot of anxiety in the past. It was something I really needed to work on, and I was able to get rid of the constant fear enough that I could function on a daily basis. But as people who suffer from major anxiety know, anxiety can pop up at other points in our lives and affect us in different ways in the future. 

I knew that this was happening to me. I was in another country for 2 months, traveling, working, and taking self-development seminars. Although I was really enjoying myself, I often felt anxious about being completely independent. For example, after 6 weeks of being in the country, I knew my way around the city pretty well- so well, that I could give another person directions to the city's most popular sites. However, I was nervous to go to those places alone. 

I know this sounds really strange. I knew my way around the city, but was nervous to go anywhere on my own:/ 
This was extremely aggravating for me, especially because I know that I am an independent person. I have had many instances in my life when I have had to do new things on my own. I made sure in the past, that I would do these things head-on, not allowing myself to back-down. And here I was, constantly nervous and reliant on other people. I hated it, but didn't know how to let it go this time. 

Well, I got a nice wake-up call. Sure I was upset at first- at my friend (who, by the way, is a nice person and actually a good friend of mine still) and at the situation. But more importantly, I was upset at myself for letting my anxiety get so much into the way. 

In short, basically what happened was that I didn't want to stay out, but my friends did. I couldn't lie to myself- I had thought about what went down. Was I being rude also? Did I act selfish?

My friend ended up telling me (in a nasty tone of voice)- "Look, if you want to go, you can go." 
I ended up leaving a few minutes later with a couple of other friends without telling that friend and the other girls I was with (WRONG). 

I called up my sister and she told me I was right in not going home alone at 12am. But that wasn't what bothered me. 

That night after I spoke to my sister and went to bed, I retraced everything that had happened. I remembered that I had been really rude, telling my friends that if they were going to take a taxi, I wouldn't stay because I didn't want to pay for one. Where did that even come from? Why was I so unbelievably rude? That wasn't even like me! 

Even if my friend had been rude by saying what she said- I still did something wrong and knew I had to apologize for that. 

Even more important, I realized that I needed her to say what she said. I needed somebody to tell me that it wasn't OK to be reliant on others, and that the anxiety needed to stop getting in my way. I needed to see how the anxiety directly affected my relationships. 

So I ended up apologizing and my friends appreciated it. All turned out really well and it's all great now! Yes, it really does have a happy ending! My friends even wrote me a very sweet letter at the end of the program. It just goes to show that if you do the right thing, at the end of the day all will work out. And even if all doesn't work out, at least you know for yourself that you did the right thing. 

So next time you have such a situation: retrace steps, see from the other person's point of view, let go of your ego, and do what you will be proud of in the future. Most importantly, don't be afraid to apologize. Don't be afraid to let go of your ego. Only of you need to, of course. Don't be that person that always apologizes. Just know when you're wrong and be able to admit it. 

I know that if I had not apologized, not only would I have lost some good friends, but I also would've felt uncomfortable because I knew that I did something wrong. 

The end.