(Why You Should Want to) Be Busy and Stay Busy

Wow, I haven't written a blog post in a little bit over a month.
And being that writing for this blog is one of my most important weekly goals, that really tells you guys about just how busy I have been.

From getting onto student government, to attending a policy conference as a student delegate in Washington D.C., to writing for the community newspaper, to keeping up with my other extracurricular activities, to applying for and having interviews for internships, to organizing a major event at my college campus, to keeping up with my workout routine, and to staying up late hours getting school work done- it is an extremely hectic time for me.

But I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm not going to give off the idea that I'm always motivated and excited to be busy.
I had grappled with this aspect of my life for some time.

Some nights (more like mornings), I quietly walk into my room and get ready for bed. My roommate is sleeping. She has been sleeping for the past hour or so. The whole floor is sleeping. I am the only one up. It's a sour feeling being the last one to go to bed. What makes the feeling all the more sour is being the last one to go to bed every night.

Other nights, as I sit and study, I could hear my friends in the other room laughing about something stupid that I would totally laugh about if I were with them, and playing music that tempts me to jump out of my chair and sing along with them.

Sometimes I think to myself: Oh, why do I have to want everything so very strongly?
I want to be active in my community and on campus. I also want to get back the almost-six pack stomach I had before starting college (this requires not eating late at night) and fit all of my scheduled goals into one day (this requires staying up late at night). I also want to get straight A's and work on Youtube videos and finish the weight loss workshop I started in the summer and work on my music (it's crazy how ideas just come to me. I had a dream the other night about a beautiful song. I woke up in the middle of it, remembered the tune, and made sure to record it on my phone. I now have 4 recordings on my cellphone, of songs that I need to finish writing.) and . . . I'm at a loss.

I know that these expectations are unrealistic, but I can't let these desires go. I want each and every one of them equally. Each is just as important as the next. I do so much, yet when I am missing one of these aspects- either I haven't made a Youtube video in 2 weeks, or I haven't picked up my guitar in a month, or I haven't gone to the gym all week- I feel that I am missing something.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I think to myself that maybe I would be better off as not being so goal-oriented and motivated to do so many things. I say motivated because, honestly, motivation is my strongest asset.

One prime aspect of my life that motivation pulls me through, is school. I have always had to work hard for my grades. Having an auditory processing problem has definitely been a contributing factor to the fact that everything takes me so much damn time. Everybody I know tells me that I spend too much time studying. People ask me how I sit for so long and tell me that if I am still studying for the same exam that I  was studying for 5 hours ago, then I will break the class average. I don't usually tell people that my brain takes more time to process information. What an average student can get done in an hour, it will take me two. My brain processes things slower, I need to read over instructions multiple times (I have always been that kid in class to ask question after question. My lab TA must think I'm crazy), and I need to write down notes during lectures if there are no slides because otherwise the information goes into one ear and out the other (literally). Technically, I'm not even supposed to take notes and listen to a lecture at the same time. With my "disability", I am supposed to have notes given to me.

However, despite this setback, my motivation had gotten me to the top of my graduating 8th grade class, and I had received the most prestigious award. This motivation allowed me to graduate from high school with honors. It had allowed me to overcome my anxiety, which ultimately allowed me to switch from a small private school to a big public school junior year. I didn't die. And, it is the driving force behind everything that I am currently doing. My motivation has been ignoring this disability for the past 5 years, during which my workload has increased tremendously. All I can think to myself is that I don't have the time for this "disability". There is too much that I want and need to do.

But this is where I get down to it. 
On the left side of my blog, there is a note that says:

 . . . I'm combing my love for learning and my passion for the beauty that is existence... In an attempt to live the most remarkable and exciting life that I can bestow upon myself . . . As far as an end ... I used to think that there was only one... but then I learned that our lives are comprised of many beginnings and ends... and that the more there are, the better.

One of my emails is Live4life@.
I came up with this email when I was in 7th grade. I just wanted an email that sounded "cute". At that time in my life, I was still in that anxious- everything has to be stable- no going to bed past 10pm or else you're going to fail your life-  getting all A's because otherwise, the world is ending- phase of my life. Now you know what I mean when I say that I used to have anxiety. It wasn't only social- it was life. I feared things that weren't realistic. I imagined the worst-case scenarios. I didn't take chances because I was afraid they would mess up my constant state of stability and security. I was blinded by my fears and built myself a fortress. 

So I guess this normally-insignificant spark in my mind-this creative email address- was a foreshadow. My current life is full of instabilities and I'm merely floating the currents. I'm building my foundation, but who says it won't collapse? Nobody. And that's college. And that's life. And I was afraid of it because I was afraid of failure because failure would lead me to instability, which would lead to me to losing my security blanket.

I eventually had to come to terms with life. It taught me to be tough and how to tread through rough waters. And it prepared me for this life that I lead now- one of getting many things done, and ultimately making changes in this world and in other people's lives (hopefully).

So now I'm actually living for life. 
And isn't that what life is all about?
Grasping opportunities. Giving yourself a wide range of experiences. Being active and vocal about the movements and ideas that you are passionate about. Feeling accomplished.
This is what life is. And I want to take advantage of all that it has to offer. 

I had a (short) phase during which I cut down my average hours of sleep. I wanted to do more. I wanted to accomplish more. I just wanted to do everything! Why sleep when there is so much I can do with that time?

I quickly learned that wasn't the right mind-set. Something about falling asleep during classes and processing information even slower than usual told me that the plan was a no-go.

I eventually came to the realization and conclusion (and I have written about this before in another post) that life is a journey (sometimes rough and painful, but wonderful nonetheless). The greatest parts of life are attaining our goals. On my Youtube page, I have written:

"Devote yourself to an idea. Go make it happen. Struggle on it. Overcome your fears. Smile. Don't you forget: this is your dream." - Unknown 

If you want to learn more about this topic, read my blog post Enjoying the Journey, here!

So, (finally) in conclusion, why be busy and stay busy?

• Life is all about getting things done. This includes family and free time of course. What I am referring to is not wasting time on my laptop or phone. I feel dull when I do this for long periods of time.
• You get more done when you have more things to do. 
• It feels . . . so so so good. "Good" is a flat word, but it is the right one. 
• You have potential. Be active. Be vocal. Get in. Get involved. 
• The most important point for you to take away from this post: Appreciation. It skyrockets. You begin to appreciate your bed and pillow-like never before. You begin to appreciate time with your friends and family. You know what it means to work hard, and everything is like a gift in return for your being active. I eat fewer sweets now. I limit sugar intake to special occasions. I enjoy sweets SO much more now. I appreciate sweets so much more! At times, my brain functionality is so slow, that I feel ecstatic- ECSTATIC-when I finally process the concept. It's an accomplishment. When I get that A- I feel on top of the world. I feel this happiness so often, I don't even know if it's healthy. I undergo stress and happiness so often, I feel like I really know what it means to feel happy. 
• Self-fulfillment. Satisfaction. 

I cannot stress enough how wonderful it feels to have a full schedule. 

Don't be afraid t step out of your comfort zone. Try new things. Sign up for a few stuff, try them out, drop them if they don't satisfy you. 

I have applied for 2 internships. Both require me to put in some time during the summer. I'm hoping they don't overlap so that I can do both. For the past 3 summers, I stayed home and did whatever I wanted with my time. It was nice to have that phase where I had nothing scheduled- a complete break. I can say that I know how it feels to have nothing to do. It's nice, for a bit. Then I feel like DOING something. My friends often encourage me to give myself a break and do nothing for a bit. But the truth is that I don't enjoy doing nothing. I don't enjoy watching TV for longer than 30 minutes, unless its a movie or show that I feel is worth my time. I don't want to watch other people create things and do cool stuff. I want to create and do cool stuff. 

Don't get me wrong. You can find me hanging out with my friends during the weekends and watching movies on Saturday nights every once in a while. But for the most part, I just want to do what makes me feel good at the end of the day.  

And you can have your breaks too. For the past 5 days, I haven't done much school work. I have been taking naps (I can't randomly fall asleep wherever I want when I'm at school, so this was a special treat). I haven't even worked on a Youtube video. Just totally chilled :) 

So there you go. 

Now go live for life!