What Music Do You Need To Remember? (On Being Reinspired)

 The last several weeks have been quite intense. For the first time in the 8 months that I have been working as a registered nurse, I felt overwhelmed by the idea of going to work. Working as a new nurse in the midst of a global pandemic wasn't even the challenge. 

The last several weeks at work saw one of my patients having to be flown out to another hospital because her case was too complicated (blood leaking out into her lungs from her aorta), the first time having a patient have a stroke, my first time having a patient die on me, having to do CPR and postmortem care and several rapid responses...

For me, medicine has always been about my purpose, my mission, and my passion. I know I'm meant to be in this field and to eventually become a doctor. I love what I do and I'm so grateful I get to do it. 

But the other morning I couldn't see any of that. 

I felt overwhelmed with it all. And even though every nurse waits for her turn to face the inevitable of being in this field and knows that this is what we have chosen... facing people die, having to tell their loved ones, dealing with emergencies... it doesn't make it any easier. 

As I was driving to work that morning, feeling sad and dreading the next 14 hours.... listening to music... a specific song came on that changed everything for me. 

"You never know you crossed the line till you get to the other side... The only way out is to face it... cause no one ever taught us to hide... the hardest walls to fight are the ones we wage inside."

It took me back to my junior year of high school when I had just started at a new school and was having a hard time adjusting. It was a very challenging time in my life so much so that I did something I had never done before (being that I was way too studious and always concerned about doing well in school). 

I totally blanked while taking my chemistry exam. I literally looked at the exam that I had spent hours studying for and for some unknown reason absolutely nothing made any sense to me. I couldn't do simple math or understand simple instructions. It was like my brain shut off. 

I was so overwhelmed at that point that I even tried to turn in the exam right then and there, incomplete, and tell my teacher that I had to go home because I didn't feel well. He told me I could leave once I turned it in. I left school that day right after that class (which was my very first and it was only 7:45am) and spent the rest of the day incapable of doing anything but lying in my bed. I couldn't eat, study, get up, or talk to anyone.

The only thing that comforted me at that moment was this song. I spent hours listening to it. I have no idea why. 

I don't remember what I got on the test... but fast forward 3 years and I got an A in my college chemistry course which was on probation for failing too many students... and 7 years later I'm in a medical program attaining my doctorate in my dream profession. 

I hadn't listened to this song in a very long time, and it had come on so randomly and unexpectedly. I started to cry on my way to work (and it wasn't yet 7am). 

It reminded me of that challenge I had experienced and how horrible I felt at that time. It reminded me of everything I had been able to achieve despite it. It reminded me that I was where I was because I got through so many obstacles. It reminded me of how afraid I was and how I felt so stuck and incapable of succeeding. 

And yet there I was on my chosen trajectory. I was doing everything I had set out to do. And even though it was scary and HARD, I was doing it. 

I decided to see the positive in everything I had experienced in the previous weeks. How I officially felt like a real nurse. How much more confident I am because I've had to deal with these emergencies. How I feel like I can face anything now. How grateful my patients are and all the times I have people tell me they're proud of me or respect me for what I do and for helping their family members. How it is really cool to be part of a team of people who have the skillset to save others. 

At that moment I decided that I was going to have a great day. 

And I did. The first good day at work in a very long time. 

Lesson learned: remember the music. 

What is the music that you need to remember?

The Only Way To Grow

Pressure. Intensity. 

I love and hate them at the same time. 

Last week was my first time getting floated to the ICU. In the midst of the second wave of a global pandemic🦠. Without ever having had an introduction or orientation to the unit. Still a relatively new nurse👩🏻‍⚕️. Every patient on quarantine isolation. Not even sure how to use the monitors to take a blood pressure or how to print a telemetry strip. Not to mention I had a higher acuity of patients than I usually have. 😥
Then yesterday I was sent to the ICU again, which at that point was still overwhelming for me. With still needing to adjust and being slower than usual, and balancing that with five patients... I felt more pressure than ever before. 

What started out as something I feared... going out of my comfort zone, something happening to a patient and not knowing how to properly deal with it... became something I actually enjoyed and appreciated. 
On my way home from work last night, I realized that I felt no fear like I had previously. Because those two days forced me to make it like a fish out of water... I felt like I could really handle anything that came my way. 

It’s through the intense moments when we have to pull ourselves together and figure things out on the spot while pulling together the resources that you have... when you 1️⃣realize how strong you can be and 2️⃣understand that you can truly only grow and improve when you’re out of your comfort zone. 
Being on the medical-surgical floors has been a great experience, but the thrill and intensity of figuring things out and breaking through those challenges is one of the most exhilarating and profound I’ve ever had. 

✅Lessons learned: don’t fear the unknown, embrace it. Think of new challenges as being spontaneous in a good way and not as you being totally crazy and out of your mind (though I thought I might get to that point🙈), let the challenge make you not break you, give things time, you may end up being good at something you may not have thought otherwise, new challenges breed experience and knowledge which lead to confidence and mastery. 🧠