Well, maybe not that much.
But I feel like it was forever ago that I had come back from Israel. Perhaps this is because I have gone through so many ups and downs emotionally.
Now, I'm not an emotional person. I mean, I guess all people are emotional- but I what I mean is that I don't like being emotional. I don't like feeling a certain way when I know feeling that way is illogical. I prefer to be levelheaded and to do what is rational. So when I'm trying to focus and busy myself and get my mind back on track with school and fitness and whatever else it is that makes me feel like I'm moving along in my desired direction with goals I pan out for myself (sometimes because they provide me with the illusion that I am doing what is "right" and so, therefore, things will work out the way I want them to or the way I would, therefore, expect them to)- and I am physically unable to get myself to do those things because my mind and thoughts are so clouded . . . I get really frustrated with myself.
Perhaps that was a run-on sentence. Anyhow . . .
This has happened and continues to happen (because this is one of those things you encounter throughout your life) in so many ways in my life. When it comes to eating healthy (don't grab for the unnecessary slice of pizza PLEASE), getting myself motivated to do schoolwork (this was just a phase, as I have now had my first exam in my second semester of nursing school and my anxiety had slapped me back into the swing of things rather quickly once that exam came into view), or even just getting myself to be a better, more productive person (getting up at a time that allows me to hit the gym in the morning so that I can be more energized for the rest of the day, or reading a book instead of scrolling thoughtlessly through Facebook).
There are so many things that I want to stop doing and replace them with things that I know I should start doing . . . yet it's been so hard for me lately. Especially after coming back from Israel on a major high. I came back a week before school started and for some reason had the most difficult time getting myself to do even just some of the things I had felt so inspired to do while I was on the two-week learning program abroad. And I'm referring to simple things- praying for just ten minutes in the morning (literally only ten minutes), watching what and how much I eat (this has sort of been a long-time goal), and putting more effort into how I dress on a regular basis (I'm trying to drop the sweatpants-sweatshirt look and go for a more presentable style. It was Paris that did this to me).
So every time I would overeat or get to lazy to change out of my sweatpants or say I would pray a bit later and then not . . . I would berate myself in my head. I would feel horrible and get so angry with my lack of willpower. Until I stopped.
I decided that I was done rebuking myself. If I was going to make the wrong decisions, then I would feel the consequences and deal with them until I was tired of dealing with them. I would allow myself to drop to the ultimate low in order to get myself to fully understand that changing was the only way I would and could make myself happy. I would allow myself to overeat and then feel sick and then use that dreadful feeling to stop myself from overeating next time. I would just think back to how awful l felt the last time I made that mistake, and use that as my impetus to not overeat again. Or I would not pray and then deal with the sour feeling that came with skipping out on my personal meeting with G-d (as I would like to put it).
As in, I knew what were the right things to do and what would ultimately make me a happier person at the end of the day- but for some reason making the right decisions was the hardest thing to do. And this isn't to say that this doesn't still happen. I write this in the past tense because previously I did not know how to deal with this issue. But now I have started utilizing this tactic and I am noticing results.
I've learned an important psychological fact (or at least this is how my brain seems to work). The more you tell yourself not to do something, the more you will subconsciously want to do it. Next time you are trying to abstain from doing something you KNOW is going to leave with you a negative outcome and that you know is wrong, tell yourself to do it. Grab that extra pizza, don't change your outfit, continue to procrastinate. Because then your brain says, "Wait, what? You're supposed to tell me the right thing to do." It's like an unruly teenager who just wants to say no because they don't want to feel like someone else is in control of them, but in reality, they know their parents are right and they truly do want their parents' guidance. But if their parents all of a sudden tell them to do all the wrong things, the teenager will no longer want to fight against what the parents were originally saying. Because they want that guidance- they just don't want you to know. We all in a sense do this. We don't like being told what to do, and would much rather do things on our own terms and because we made the decision for ourselves.
Try it next time you encounter this struggle. I'm doing it right this minute. I know I should go to the gym tonight, but my brain is making excuses as to why I don't really need to. So, I'm now telling myself, "OK, don't go to the gym." And then my brain goes, "No, but I really do need to, and now I have anxiety about not going to the gym because I'm now thinking about how I won't reach my fitness goals if I don't commit commit to working out everyday. Since you're not telling me, I really need to tell myself".
Outsmart your brain. It (or rather- you) will thank you for it later.