Making the Most of Our Why

Yesterday marked a year since I moved to NYC. Over the last several weeks I’ve had some encounters and experiences that have shed some light on this journey and the way it has all unfolded. 

I found myself on the UWS the other day doing an IV drip in an apartment looking out onto New Jersey. I realized I was right across the exact location where I used to sit in Jersey when I would come up north. I would sit between these huge pillars (I spotted that landmark) and just stare out at the city. I always felt drawn to it- that the city was where I belonged. It was always my happy place. When I decided to make this move, I looked out onto the city one last time and wondered how it would go. 

As I sat there looking back at that place- and looking back at myself- my client put on the Netflix documentary “Moses.” She started to talk about the Bible, G-d, faith, how Moses was chosen and didn’t even believe in himself, how he never got to see the Promised Land, how people experience pain, and what that means. Where does it take us? She told me that she felt G-d wasn’t present in her life the way He used to be. I told her I know exactly how that feels. I told her that I’m Jewish and that although I don’t have all the answers, I do believe that everything in life is a test that is meant to make us greater and that G-d wants a relationship with us. Everything we experience is a conversation with Him- the blessings and the challenges. Respond to them with prayer, reflection, and faith. I truly believe this because I see it in my life and I think if you think about it you’ll see that truth in your life as well.

I realized that every experience I had sitting by those pillars in Jersey has led me to this moment and every other moment when I have had these connections where I look back on my personal experiences which have allowed me this understanding. Just as someone had told me something the other week that I needed to hear and that they felt they were meant to tell me- this time I shared what someone else needed to hear and I was meant to be there to tell her. This year was about learning this lesson and here I was passing it on.

God constantly slowly shows us why He plans things out the way He does. Every experience we have is G-d communicating with us, and that understanding finally clicked for me. We just have to be open to that conversation. We have to involve ourselves. 

As I walked out the door, I felt the close of a chapter. This last chapter was about understanding WHY. Now that I know the why, this next chapter is about understanding HOW. How do I make the most of the why? 

How do you make the most of your why?

There Is Good To Come

Two weeks on Shabbat before going to sleep I asked G-d to give me a sign that I am on the right path in life and that He is guiding me in the right direction even when it may not seem so. With all the craziness in the world and uncertainty these days, others are also starting to think more about their choices and actions. Although I believe that G-d communicates with us through every occurrence in our lives, it’s easy to forget that even the seemingly small messages hold weight.

The next day someone gave a speech in synagogue. He touched on the idea that there is so much good to come that we don’t even know about. Life leads us to wonderful things we can’t even imagine. Then the rabbi started talking about how G-d does everything with purpose and love and looks out for us every step of the way. We shouldn’t worry but rather should have trust and faith- emunah and bitachon.

When I got home, I decided to read a book I had last read months ago. I left off randomly in the middle of that chapter. The exact spot I began to read said the following: Majority of the defining events in Abraham’s life occured when he was over 70. When we read the Torah we don’t even focus on many of the events that occurred in his younger years. Some of the most monumental and defining experiences happened later on his life. G-d doesn’t forget you and you’re not running behind. Just because you might not be where you believe you are meant to be at this point in time, it doesn’t mean you’re not on the right path. We have to get to where we are ready and meant to be, to experience everything else that is yet to come. The text literally said, “don’t worry…you are where you need to be.”

As we head into Shabbat, during which we refrain from creating and planning so that we can devote time to our relationship with Hashem, this is an important reminder that I want to share: there is a greater plan and purpose. Even when things seem confusing, they’re not. We just can’t see the bigger picture. We are where we need to be. There is good to come. We just have to be able to see it.

My Most Monumental Year Yet

 Well, it's been a year since I last wrote a blog post and let's just say there has been hell of a lot of content that I never got to write out and process because everything was utter chaos. 

The funny thing is how much I actually love chaos. I've learned that I actually function well in chaos. 

As a kid, I always had two major fears: change and the unknown. You might be thinking that everyone has those fears. However, when you struggle with chronic anxiety, absolutely everything is dramatically augmented. So when I say "fears," I mean chronic panic, stress, and fight or flight response modes. 

That's the first point I want to make. I went from living with chronic anxiety that made me physically sick and unable to function- to appreciating and mastering those things that fermented my anxiety in the first place. As I have gotten older, I have seen the bigger picture of my life and why things have had to happen the way they did. All of those challenges and hardships have led to my being able to conquer the very next thing. If not for those previous challenges, I wouldn't be able to proudly stand here today and say I made it. 

The way that life seems to work (oftentimes) is that once you overcome one challenge, the next one pops up. Often the next challenge is even harder than the previous. If not, then we are even better equipped to handle those issues that make their way in our direction. We don't always understand why we must face these things. It's frustrating. 

For me, I have seen how each challenge has better prepared me for the next and made me into the person I know I must be if I want to lead the life I desire. I am sure that if you pan out all the things you had to overcome throughout your lifetime, you will come to the same conclusion about your life experience. 

This year was the hardest year of my life. 

The crazy thing is that in the end, I have come to realize that while everything seemed to be falling apart... everything was actually coming together in the most amazing and beautiful way possible. 

I was actually blessed to experience those challenges because the alternatives would have been way worse. And half the time I didn't even have to do the work. I just had to step back, have faith in G-d and the journey He had paved for me, and follow my gut.

I have always known what I wanted in life. Usually, I can tackle hurdles head-on. I am not afraid to keep trying something repeatedly when I have my eye on the prize and I can see it so clearly even if it's not already present in my life. 

However, I got to a place where I was settling for less than I knew I deserved. I was setting for less out of those around me, my day-to-day experiences, environments, and energy. I was willing to accept people and things that didn't serve me or allow me to reach my full potential. And when I was unsure of how to let those people and things go, G-d made it easy and freed me from that which I didn't know how to walk away from. 

The crazy thing is that G-d gave me the exact amount of time I had prayed for. When that time was up, He opened up a pathway for me that was greater than I could have ever imagined. 

Imagine being so upset about something, only to then realize that it was the greatest blessing and you got what you actually wanted all along. You were holding onto something that you thought was the answer when all along you had to let that thing go so that you can actually have what you want. It's just on the other side of taking a leap of faith, demanding better for yourself, and following your intuition.

This part of my life taught me to stop fighting the currents of life. I am so stubborn (a true Taurus) and sometimes it hinders me. Be patient. I didn't let G-d finish His sentence and I was already frustrated and throwing tantrums. 

I have had the opportunity to be and see places and things I thought I would only get to experience many years from now, if ever. G-d literally plucked me out of a place where I wasn't happy anyway and put me exactly where I wanted to be all along- with the very people, opportunities, and experiences I had been praying for. I am still in shock about how perfectly my life came together after what seemed and felt like the worst storm. 

I write this now because it took me this long to realize all of this. 

I don't blame myself. This year was literally nonstop for me. 

Then I found myself sitting in my apartment today, not able to sit still because I have gotten so used to having something that I need to do. I finally let myself shut everything off- the phone, the iPad, the laptop... and just be. Process. The craziest year of my life has come to a close. It feels refreshing. Even better, I got to end off this year around people I love, in my favorite city, while working my dream jobs, and being everything I ever desired. While speaking to a friend right after the clock struck 12, he asked me if I felt like I had bounced back from the challenges I experienced throughout the year. At that moment, processing everything around me and feeling the immense joy and gratitude I felt for it all, I was so happy to finally be able to say yes. 

I am in awe of how things work in life. Like how does so much pain and sadness lead to so much happiness and fulfillment? I might not have the full answer right now, but I am so grateful I have had the opportunity to learn this now, at such a young age. Now I can move forward in life with more confidence and trust, knowing that even when things seem unbearable, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will be more beautiful and freeing than where I was coming from. 

If I ask for something and work towards it, I will find a way to it. The journey might not be easy, but it's absolutely worth it when you find what; 's on the other end of it. 

It's funny because when 2023 came, I really thought it was going to be my year. I was so excited. I couldn't understand how my positivity and effort towards growth and happiness led to such unhappiness. Then I realized that this really was my year. 

It was the year I fell in love with myself. It was the year I became the most confident I have ever been. It was the year I learned and grew tremendously in every aspect- academically, in my career, personally, in my relationships, and even spiritually. I have done so many things I wanted to do but was too scared to do.  It was the year I met some of the most impactful and healing people- people with whom I needed to cross paths for a reason. It was the year I loved my coworkers and my friends, and every moment was filled with excitement and mystery. Running into celebrities and getting to meet some of the most inspiring people whom I've been following for years. Getting to be in what feels like the center of the world to me. 

Thank You G-d. 

Everyone is posting their ins and outs for 2024 and here are some of mine:

Out: jumping to conclusions, being impatient, tolerating people and things that hinder my growth and happiness, negativity and bad energy

In: trusting G-d, daily prayer, expressing more gratitude, time with people I love and appreciate, following my gut and listening to my intuition, being kind to myself 

Here is to another year filled with magic, success, and growth.